My own army
by MorbidPet17
Summary: Amanda loses the only person she's ever cared about. Her sister is dead, she's convinced it wasn't just an accident but no one believes her. She finds herself going to such lengths to find who's responsible that she loses herself in the process. Will the squad be able to bring her back around or has she gone too far? Does she even care if she herself becomes a victim?
1. Genesis

Okay I think I'm ready to start a new fanfic. Need something to do during this hiatus and with the holiday coming up. This one's centered around detective Amanda Rollins, no surprise. It's far from a lovestory though. I am however a Finanda shipper so it's leaning that way if any. But this one will be dark, I'm warning you. I'm taking Amanda very much OC but I'm trying to work in Fin as well as Olivia, Nick and Cragen. Not sure about Munch yet though, I adore him but I find him so hard to write for.

It's going to be a group/squad effort to get Amanda out of the jam she'll get herself in. Amanda will spiral a whole lot out of character but I think we've already seen on the actual show that she goes to great lengths when it comes to her family, especially her sister, so I'm taking her even further.

It's set like somewhere in-between the episodes with Kim (& Jeff) visiting so Jeff is **not** dead, Amanda hasn't shot him and another very important thing; I'm leaving out her gambling addiction. Not that I don't like it and all but I do think that Cragen in a way meant what he told her - he'd give her one more chance. And with what Amanda does in this fic, well Cragen would have to fire her. Leaving the gambling issues out at least there's a chance she'll be able to rejoin the squad (but just a chance, you have to keep reading to know the outcome *lol*)

Oh and "my" killer have religious undertones. Undertones may be an understatement. He's a religious nut frankly. I have nothing against religion though, it just fitted this fic so I apologize if I step on any toes. He's sick, pure evil and just uses religion as an excuse. The first segment of this chapter is his POV in case that's not obvious enough. I'm keeping his identity hidden though to keep a bit of suspense for later.

English isn't my first language (I suck at grammar even in my own language & rely heavily on my spell check) and I know nothing more than what I've seen on the show and others like it about the US law & justice system. I've only been to NY twice so my knowledge of the city is limited too but thankfully there's Google. I try to do research but at times I'm sure I'll be at fault.

I don't own any of the characters in the actual squad but the killer is all mine (not that I should be proud of creating such a beast though, I must be a bit sick).

That's it I guess. I hope you like it and that you will let me know if you do. I wanna wish you happy reading but I'm afraid this fic won't be that happy so let's just leave it at that and get this thing rolling...

* * *

**Chapter 1: Genesis**

* * *

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (Peter 5:8)

* * *

He was doing good in this world. He knew that he one day would stand face to face with God, the Earths creator, and be rewarded for his good deeds. Earth wasn't ready for him though. God's people had been corrupted, spoiled, rotten as they tried to take control of their own way of life and forgotten that God had them protected if they just surrendered. He was doing his part of God's plans, trying to correct what was wrong with this place. Mankind just couldn't see it yet.

He wasn't without fault. He had doubts too in the beginning. He had doubted his own actions. Wondered if what he was doing truly was the right way to go about it. But God had proven over and over to him that it was. He was a God sent. His mom had known it. She had told him that so many times. As he grew older God also told him. His mom had told him though that he'd been in contact with God from a very early age. The very first time God contacted him he'd been in church with his mother. She'd told him the story often. He'd been barely two years old as he suddenly started talking gibberish. Almost like he talked in tongues. Then a ray of light had come through the large church window and a cross had landed on his forehead. He'd moved his head but the cross had followed. She'd painted it, the cross, for him on a piece of paper many years ago and he had it with him in his wallet anywhere he went as a reminder of what he was. A God sent, placed here on earth to correct the wrongs.

He remembered the next time God had appeared to him. He was five and later at the hospital the doctors had tried to tell him and his mom that he had an epileptic seizure caused by the infection he had and the high fever. He knew though, his mom knew the truth too. God had appeared, again through a ray of light through the window even though it was the middle of winter. God had talked to him this time. Save me. That's what he'd said; "Save me."

It had taken many years for him to figure out what God had meant. But now he knew. God had asked him to save his creation, to save his Earth and his people from destruction. And that's what he'd set out to do.  
He did question himself in the beginning. Surely everyone had to ransack themselves at one point. He'd done that and now he was secure in his beliefs and his actions. He was doing good, taking lost souls and surrendering them back to God so he could give them the final salvation.

These days he could spot a lost soul like others could spot a green apple in a pile of red ones. They were so many though so God had given him a chance to choose which one he would save. He'd chosen the one who burnt the brightest to him. They happened to be blonde women with blue eyes. The light poured through them almost like they were transparence, their blonde hair almost vanishing in the light and the blue eyes glowing through the light as they tried to seduce him. These eyes tried to lure him, tried to deceive him to spare them. It wasn't the women's fault though, they didn't know any better. Something had happen to them somewhere along the way, they'd been hurt so badly it was no turning back. They'd been forced down the wrong path and it wasn't really their fault. They were scorn. Turned bad. His job was to save them.

In order to save them he needed to take them back to that initial pain though. Needed to make them realize they needed to be saved. That he was doing them a favor. That he hurt them only to set them free.

He'd refined his method over the years, knew what would make them surrender the fastest. Finding their Achilles heel was part of the method so once he finally had them in his possession he could break them down within a day or two. Some took longer though but he was committed to his task. He wouldn't let the lost soul slip out of his grasp. They would surrender before he freed them. They would be rewarded in the end once they finally broke down and confessed to their sins.

The very first vessel he had helped to cross over had been one very close to him. His own sister. She had never confessed to her sins though and he feared he would not meet her in God's kingdom once his time finally came. He hoped though that her last thoughts had been of retribution. It had looked like it all those years ago as his hands held her under the surface in the river in their home town. Her blue eyes had stared up at him and they had looked like they were pleading for something. Pleading to be forgiven for her missteps surely.

God had taken his mother though and he couldn't get his head around that in moments when his fate wobbled. She'd been the carrier and birthmother of one of Gods own and he couldn't understand why God hadn't spared her life like he spared Maria Magdalene. Cancer was one of those mankind made illnesses, a sickness occurring only as mankind spiraled out of God's control. Mankind had killed his mother. Not God. But he knew God could spare lives and he sometimes wondered why his mom's hadn't been. God always had a plan though. He figured maybe it was so he would work harder to stop the disease to spread further. His mother had in a way kept him on a leash. Now that she was gone there was no one that held him back.

He did work as fast as he could. It took time though. He needed to find the right souls. Or rather the wrong souls. There had been times when he perhaps had been too fast in his decision making, the souls he had set free were always bad but perhaps he should have made sure they were so bad they deserved his help. He was after all an elite force. There were others that could take care of the semi-bad ones. Gang members, drug dealers and thieves were shot and killed every day. He saw the news. There were other God sends out there who could take care of the lowlifes. Or they'd simply kill themselves, amongst themselves. Mankind was good at clearing out their own vermin.

He also had his job and social life to take care off. Trying to hide the fact he was a God send took it's time too. But he had to do it. Unfortunately they lived in a time where a God sends might be looked at in the wrong way. Misunderstood and not respected for his work. The world wasn't ready to understand yet. They would not understand him. Not yet. One day his message would spread though. He was sure of it. In the meantime he had to pretend he was one of them. Work, pay your rent and from time to time socialize with the normals. His mother had told him that.

In-between that he found his lost souls, stalked them, scared them and then took them only to set them free. God's work. He took pleasure in it. God let him enjoy the method. It was his reward from God, well except for the big finale when he would be given a spot in God's court. He was looking forward to it but in the meanwhile he enjoyed the task at hand. He made sure these women thanked him before he sent them to God.

It had been a couple of months now since he'd been able to do God's work. He had one little mess to clear up but it would soon be taken care of and then he could fully pay attention to this new soul he'd found. He'd known from the very first time he'd spotted her that she was one of his. She'd burnt so brightly it hurt his eyes but still her blue eyes had pierced through his closed eyelids. He knew he had to have her. He'd stalked her a little by now, gotten some information, seen just how much her present actions hurt her. She was a little bit special. She still had some purity to her being. He was sure this was a soul that would appreciate being released to God. He would enjoy having her in his possession. He would enjoy the time when it finally came. She would be his. Shay Williams would be his.

* * *

The last day of April. On a street in Greenwich Village, Manhattan

Olivia stopped the car with a screech and Fin jumped out of the passenger door before it came to a full stop. She rarely saw him run but now he ran and she had to hurry to keep up with him. There were officers at the front door to the five story apartment building but most action seemed to be happening to the right of the building and that's where Fin headed. Two uniforms were sealing the scene with tape. Fin saw a familiar face and the detective from homicide at the 6th precinct that had called him helped Fin & Olivia pass the uniforms.

"They're in the back," he let the two SVU detectives know and they hurried down the alley. Fin's heart broke a little as they turned the corner and he got a look at the scene. He had to turn his back to the scene for a while and take a deep breath just to ready himself for what he had to take on. He met Liv's big brown eyes briefly but didn't find any answers there. She put her hand on his shoulder though in an attempt to give him courage and he appreciated it even if it wasn't barely enough for the scene they'd walked into. He looked up to the blue sky and then turned back to face it. He approached Amanda and got down on one knee a yard or two from her and whispered her name. When she didn't move a muscle he tried her name again.

Her head moved slightly as though he'd pulled her back from her own thoughts. It took a while longer before she moved though. He gave her time. She moved her head just slightly to one side and he saw parts of her face through her blonde strands. He could spot a line of blood across her cheek. Her skin was so pale the blood stood out even more. The blood wasn't hers though.

Her head turned back down once she established it was Fin that had called her name. For a moment she hadn't been sure. Perhaps hoped it would be Kim. That this was just a bad nightmare. Not real. Not happening.

But it was. In front of her on the pavement, having dropped four floors from a window in the apartment building to their left, laid the lifeless body of Kim Rollins. In her lap laid the head of her baby sister, with eyes staring blankly to somewhere to the side of Amanda's own. Her cheek was still warm under Amanda's touch and she tried to pretend her sister was just fine. Her hand that she held with her own was still warm but no blood was pumping through it any longer and it was to still. Her baby sister's blood was soaking through her jeans, a warm sticky feeling that now started to feel cold against her skin. Blood had spread to her hands and she had traces of it on her face that she wasn't sure how it ended up there.

It was all a blur. She'd gotten a phone call. From someone. Who? She couldn't remember. It was about her sister though. She'd fallen from a building in the Village, she was badly injured. Were they sure it was her? she had to ask. Amanda didn't even know her sister was in New York. Whoever had called said they'd been able to identify her, it was Kim Rollins, resident in the state of Georgia and that was her sister right?

How could this have happen? Police were at the scene, the ambulance was on its way. She got there as the paramedics backed away from the body, there was nothing they could do. The patient was dead when they got there. Amanda just remembered crying out for them to save her as a policeman tried to hold her back. One of the paramedics just shook his head at her and that's when it sunk in. They were backing away since there was nothing they could do. She looked to her sister's body as she felt her legs give in. The policeman held her up and another one stepped in to help out. But Amanda started screaming and got up again with her own force. She'd fought herself free and rushed forward. The policemen still trying to get her and she fell, crawling the last of the way.

She managed to get a hold of her sister's hair as the policemen tried to hoist her off, away from the crime scene as any good policeman would. You could not disturb a crime scene. Amanda knew this but at that moment all she could think about was her sister and that she couldn't be dead. She screamed and kicked, got a hold of her sister's head and held tight. Someone tapped the policeman's shoulder, told him it was okay and then they let go. She sat up, crawled closer, put her sister's head in her lap and stroke her chin, blood on Amanda's hand coloring her sister's pale skin. Amanda had tears running down her face since she got there but holding her sister's lifeless body in her arms made her start to cry uncontrollable. Mixing sobs with heartfelt shrieks making the uniforms around her turn away to spare her embarrassment for her public display of inconsolable grief.

Amanda didn't care about anyone around her though. She couldn't even see them. She could only see her sister's staring eyes, life gone from them. She could only see that scrawny little girl that followed her everywhere for so many years. The little girl, the maturing girl, the young adult, the adult not really acting like an adult. The only person she'd ever been able to love. The person she'd been hurt for loving but never stopped to love anyway. She could not be dead. She was the only constant thing – person - in Amanda's life. She saw no life without her. She wanted no life without her. And then she'd been blank. For how long she didn't know. But then she heard her name. Was it time to wake up? Come out of this nightmare she was in?

Fin had been able to reach her for a moment but now she seemed to slump back into whatever haze she felt the need to hide in to bear this, he know for her, devastating situation. And he knew he needed to reach her. A CSI agent had already disturbed him.

"She needs to get out of the crime scene," the harsh looking, short Asian woman told him. Fin gave her an angry stare. The homicide detective from 6th pulled the agent back but Fin heard her complain again how Amanda was disturbing the crime scene. Fin reached out and touched the side of Amanda's arm slightly. He feared he was going to scare her but she didn't move. She'd gone back to the static position she'd been in once he got there. He moved his hand over to her back and came in a little closer.

"Amanda," he tried again and got a slight movement. Her blonde hair dangled a little and not from any wind. Not a single breeze today, there was a strange heat over the city today. Warmest day of the year so far and it seemed to have put a lid on the entire city. They were in a pot, calm for now but once the lid was off it would all boil over. Fin feared it. And now he wasn't talking about the weather.

"Amanda," he said and rubbed her back a little harder. He felt her spine through the thin layer of fabric. Her back was crunched over her sister's head in a very protective manner.

"We need to get you out of here, Amanda," he tried but saw her clench her sister's hand a little harder once she finally registered what he was saying.

"I'm so sorry boo but there's nothing you can do for her now. They'll take good care of her okay. We'll get Warner to take care of her okay? Melinda. You trust her right," Fin tried getting his hand around her upper arm a little. She let out a low, almost silent cry. He got in even closer, his knee so close it touched her back and he got his hands around both her arms. He immediately felt Amanda tense up and she tried to bend forward to get away from him. Fin shot a look over his shoulder and caught Liv's eyes. She quickly got up by his side. With joint efforts they got her to release her solid grip on her sister. Amanda stayed quiet but resisted with her body. Liv talked calmly to her, whispered that everything would be okay.

Once they finally got her up off the ground she started making noises though as she began to cry again. Her jeans were drenched in blood and there were some blood on her shirt as well. Fin didn't care and latched on to her the only way he knew to get her to not fight her way back to her sister. He hugged her tight, forcing Liv to let go of Amanda's arm and then pushing Amanda backwards against the brick building. She was crying hysterically again with a wildered look in her eyes. Liv had to cover her own mouth with her hand because of the heartfelt scene that took place. Fin got her up against the wall and then crumbled to the ground with her as her legs gave way again.

At this point Nick and Cragen came rushing down the alley. Their frantic eyes went from Amanda to the body on the ground that had been her unruly sister and then back to Amanda and Fin again. Nick took a step closer to Olivia and then gave her arm a squeeze with his hand as he saw the sadness on her face. He felt like hugging her but didn't, he was in need of a hug though but manned up for no good reason at all. Cragen looked almost as grief stricken as Amanda, he'd never been able to hide his compassion very well which was something his squad appreciated him for though.

For now the only one who could handle the situation was Fin and that was because he had to. He'd never seen Amanda this way and it freaked him out. All they'd learnt from the phone call they received not long ago was that Amanda's sister had died, nothing suspicious, it seemed she'd fallen out a window. The problem had been Amanda, she wouldn't let anyone near her sister's body. Fin had just been arriving back at the station from an early out of station interview with Liv and got her to jump back behind the wheel again. He told her what little he knew and where to drive.

And now here they all were. Amanda was still screaming but less intensely and she wasn't fighting him any longer. Her limbs had gone numb and it felt almost as he was holding on to a puppet. For now though he could handle being her strings.

The homicide detective approached them. He gave the captain a slight nod and gave everyone else a quick look to acknowledge them.

"It looks as though she fell. Or jumped," he added the last part discretely. No one really knew what to think. Falling or jumping left her dead either way.

"An accident," he said and got a few nods.

"No," Amanda screamed and got everyone's eyes on her. Fin felt her body tense up a little as she sat up.

"No," she repeated, "never. She was killed. Someone murdered her." The homicide detective looked to Cragen for help but none came.

"Sch, sch," Fin tried, "it's an accident Amanda." But she shook his head at him, almost violently. And she looked desperate.

"No. No, Fin. She would never. Someone killed her please believe me," she pleaded. He looked her straight in her eyes and he saw her determination, she was weak but determent.

"Please Fin," she begged and he nodded.

"It's going to be fine, let's get you to the hospital okay," he said and started to pull her up. Cragen and Liv were quickly there to aid him.

"No, someone killed her," Amanda kept pleading. Her legs weren't carrying her but Fin had a good grip on her and the ambulance was nearby. The paramedics had been waiting around after seeing Amanda's reaction and figured they might be needed after all. Fin was thankful for this. His own strength was wearing down quickly seeing his partner in such distress. They got her into the ambulance with joint efforts. Fin stayed with her while Liv jumped back down out onto the pavement. They heard Amanda plead for someone to believe her as the doors closed. The light on top of the ambulance started spinning and then the engine started. The bus made a brief noise, warning people around to stay away, before they pulled out of there.

Liv met Cragen's eyes but didn't know what to say. She turned to Nick who just gave her a nod. Her eyes went past the sad looking homicide detective before they landed on Kim's body which the technicians now were going through. Liv looked up to the floor that Kim allegedly fell from. She saw an open window that she figured must be the right one. She looked back down to the body.

"There was nothing suspicious about the scene," Liv thought to herself, "knowing Kim, her mental problems and drug use, falling wasn't a far reach in this situation. But Amanda thought she'd been killed? Murdered? Why? How?"

Liv's eyes narrowed as she kept thinking. Cragen spotted it, Nick as well and they all looked to where her eyes were at, the body. Why was Amanda so determined she'd been murdered? How could she know? _What_ did she know?


	2. Overcoming

**Thank you so much for the reviews. Best motivator ever.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Overcoming**

* * *

_"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."_ (Psalm 23:4)

* * *

**Later that same day**

"Hey," Liv said surprised and got up from her desk once she saw Fin enter the squad room. He gave her a nod and she gave him a hug once he got closer. He looked as though he was in need of one. Nick got up too and came up by their side. He gave Fin's arm a hug with his hand.

"How is she?" Liv asked. They had already been in contact earlier. Liv had tried calling, he hadn't picked up but texted a little later that Amanda had calmed down, that they'd given her some relaxers.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "They gave her some heavy stuff, knocked her out completely. Said she was going to be a sleep for a while." Fin looked wiped. Liv stroke his arm for some comfort.

"I'm going back. I just figure I'd drive her car in, check up on her sister's case…" He looked to Liv for some answers.

"We're still waiting for cap to get back. He headed down to the 6th precinct to talk to the detective in charge. Kim's down with Warner as you requested though." Fin nodded appreciatively. He knew Amanda would be pleased it was Melinda who took care of her sister if it had to be anyone.

"You look beat, have a seat," Liv said and followed him over to his own desk. He sat down with a heavy sigh. Nick lingered by his own desk and sat down on its side facing them. Liv leaned back against Fin's desk as she kept her eyes on him. Fin put his elbows on the desk and rubbed his eyes harshly. This day had not turned out how he pictured it. He'd been with Liv at the Lincoln Correctional Facility talking to an inmate who might have some insight on the case they were working. Amanda had been on a court run to give Barba their file on a previous case that was short tracked to trial. He'd talked with her yesterday about grabbing a beer after work at their usual hang out after shift today. He wouldn't mind that beer right now. Liv pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Did she say anything more about why she thought someone killed her sister?" Fin took a deep breath as he looked back up at her with a sad face. Amanda had talked about nothing else in the ambulance. And she'd kept on about it in the emergency room. She'd been so agitated that finally the doctor had made the decision to inject some horse tranquilizer that had knocked her out completely. The doctor had said something to Fin about her perhaps needing a psych evaluation to which Fin had angrily answered that her sister, her only family, has just died.

"She needs compassion not a psych eval," Fin had almost yelled in his face and for a moment he feared the doctor would prescribe him a tranquilizer too.

"She talked about nothing else but nothing to why," Fin let Liv know. Liv seemed to think about it for a few seconds.

"CSU found nothing to indicate a murder either on the drop site or in the apartment she fell from," Liv let him know. "Do you know why she'd think she was murdered?" Fin gave her a shrug of his shoulders and sighed heavily. He had no idea. Any other day he would not question his partner's suspicion but today… he'd never seen her that grief stricken and he wasn't sure what that was doing to her judgment.

"Well Warner promised to call as soon as she was done," Nick said when the silence got to him. Liv shot him a brief look.

"Yeah, I guess all we can do is wait. Why don't you stick around for a while?" Liv suggested. "Go lie down in the bunks, I'll come get you as soon as we hear anything." Fin wasn't sure he was allowed to neither feel so darn tired right now nor take a nap but he couldn't hide it, he felt wiped out. He finally agreed with a few defeated nods.  
Both Liv and Nick lingered in their positions as they watched him slowly move over to the bunks. When he disappeared inside they finally turned and gave each other a look. No one really knew what to say and Nick finally got up and sat back down at his desk. Liv took a few more breaths and turned her head towards Amanda's empty desk. As she got up she placed her hand on it and let her fingers run over it as she walked back to her own desk. She hoped their missing squad member would be back where she belonged soon.

Not even an hour later Liv knocked carefully on the door to the bunks and then stuck her head inside.  
"Fin?" she said quietly. She had to say his name again before she saw any movement.

"Yeah?" came his raspy voice as he stirred a little on the bunk. It felt like he hadn't gotten more than a minute sleep.

"Cragen just came back, you want to join the debrief in his office?" Liv asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there in a minute," Fin sat up to wake up quicker. He knew if he stayed put he'd risk going right back to sleep even if this matter meant a lot to him. He could just never lure sleep.

"Okay," Liv said and closed the door behind her again.

As promised, Fin joined them in their captain's office no more than a minute later. Cragen shot him a somber smile as he closed the door behind himself.

"Okay so it looks like either an accident or a suicide at this point," Cragen said and multiple sighs were heard in the office.

"Of course Melinda will give us more but there's no indications to that anyone was with her when she… fell." Cragen choose the easiest route. Not that an accident would make it any less painful for his detective, Cragen still felt it was better than a suicide.

"Any witnesses?" Liv asked but Cragen quickly shook his head.

"They've done a door knock on both buildings surrounding the alley. Someone heard a scream but that's all. Since it was early in the day most was at work probably. They'll do another sweep later today."

"Who's apartment was she staying in?" Fin asked. Cragen looked down to his note pad and flipped a page to get the information.

"Cassie Swinton," he said. "They were apparently friends. Cassie was working but they're picking her up after work to get her statement." Fin nodded.

"They want to hear Amanda too," Cragen said and Fin nodded again.

"Do you know why her sister wasn't staying with her?" Liv asked Fin. Fin thought it through quickly, not wanting to give up too much of the private information his partner had given him about the sister's current relationship.

"To be honest I don't think Amanda knew she was even in the city," Fin admitted though. "They had a bit of a… falling out last time Kim was in town. Do you know if she had drugs in her system?" Fin tried to get out of it by asking Cragen a question.

"Melinda will tell us," their captain answered. Right then Fin's phone buzzed and when he checked the window he saw Melinda's name in it. He immediately answered.

"Melinda?" he said to let the others knew who it was calling. They all watched him and knew something was up when his face crumbled a bit.

"Okay, I'll be right down," he said and hung up. He took a deep breath before he turned to his colleagues.

"Apparently Amanda's down stairs, Melinda needs us," Fin looked at Liv and she gave him a nod to let him know she would come with him. They left the office quickly. Cragen and Nick gave each other a puzzled look, far as they'd known Amanda was recovering at the hospital.

Liv just hurried after Fin as he took the stairs down under ground. They found Melinda outside the morgue and could spot Amanda's back inside the glass, hunched over her sister's body.

"Thanks for coming so quickly, I really didn't know how to handle… this," Melinda's eyes adverted briefly inside the morgue but then came back to Liv as she felt her hand on the pathologist's arm.

"I found no indications that this is a homicide but Amanda wouldn't hear it. She seems certain her sister would not kill herself and she doesn't buy that she fell either," Melinda let them know.

"You thinking accident or suicide?" Liv asked. Fin seemed unable to talk as he just watched his partner's back.

"I honestly can't tell you. She had drugs in her system, I've sent them to analysis to get more specifics," Melinda just shrugged her shoulders a little. She was feeling the weight. She'd never met Kim Rollins in person but it was always a bit harder to work on a body that she had some relations to. And she hadn't expected to have Amanda burst into the morgue all of a sudden just as she wrapped the autopsy up either. The grief on the detective's face had been evident and also that she tried so hard to hold all the emotions inside at the same time as she demanded that Melinda kept going until she found evidence her sister was murdered.

Melinda was good with people, not just the dead kind, but Amanda wouldn't take her answers or her tries to console her with any kind of physical contact. Melinda had left the room as Amanda got even more agitated and called down Fin immediately, hoping he would be able to handle his partner better.

"Thanks Melinda, we got her," Liv said and gave her arm a squeeze before she turned to Fin. He looked miserable.

"The hospital shouldn't have released her without calling. They said they would call if anything…" Fin went silent as guilt tugged at his inside. He felt bad for leaving his partner all alone in the hospital. He should have stayed by her side.

"We both know Amanda, she might have ditched without them knowing," Liv tried to comfort him. Fin let out a quick, dry chuckle but then went back to looking somber.

"Common, let's get her," Liv said and urged him with a soft hand on his arm. He got going slowly and Liv followed. The morgue was silent but Fin had seen through the glass that his partner's back were shivering with sobs as she seemed to hold on to her sister's body.

"Amanda," he said quietly to let her know they were there. He saw her jerk as she got startled. She shot a brief look over her shoulder. Both he and Liv caught her trying to wipe her tears away quickly. She turned her head away again but straighten up a little. Fin walked up to her and around the table while Liv stayed by the door. Kim was covered by a white sheet from the chest down. She looked much better than she'd done on that pavement but the fact was she was still dead. Amanda's hand was tangled in her damp hair underneath her head as the other one rested on her chest now that Amanda had wiped as much of her tears away that was possible.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay with you at the hospital boo," Fin whispered as he shot her a sad smile. He felt really bad about leaving her alone.

"It's okay," Amanda whispered. She hadn't even thought of that. Once she woke up all she knew was that she had to see her sister and she'd gotten out of there before anyone even knew she was awake.

"How are you doing?" Fin asked.

"I'll be a whole lot better once people start to listen to me and find out what really happen to my sister," Amanda's voice rose as she spoke and she shot a sideways glance hinting to that Melinda was one of those people she was talking about.

"I'll listen," Fin just said. He would but it was also so she wouldn't work herself up again. Amanda shot him a hesitant look. She could trust her partner right? He would listen wouldn't he? She knew she had trouble thinking straight, that all this turmoil clouded her mind but there was no way she'd buy her sister just tripped to her death. Her sister always landed on her feet. She'd been in trouble so many times. There was no way this was an accident.

"Will you come upstairs with me?" Fin tried as her eyes left his and he could tell a lot of things were going on inside her head. Amanda took a few deep breaths. The thought of leaving her sister made her feel anxious. She knew this wasn't her sister any longer but it was the closest she would ever come to her ever again. The thought made her lower lip shiver and she felt tears threatening to escape her eyes again.

"You can come back down later. I'm sure Melinda can place your sister so you can come down to see her later if you want to," Fin's eyes wandered over Amanda's shoulder to Melinda behind the glass. Liv looked at her too and caught Melinda's nod.

"She will," Liv said and it made Amanda jump again. She'd forgotten Liv was there too. Amanda looked back down at her sister. She didn't really feel like leaving her but she also wanted to get going on finding the person who did this to her sister. Amanda stroked her sister's cheek and then leaned down and placed her forehead against her sister's. She crumbled her eyes shut and clinched her teeth to keep the emotions on the inside.

"I'll see you soon," Amanda whispered, "I love you." Amanda put her lips to her sister's cheek.

The "I love you" had never been a thing in their family. Amanda couldn't even remember the three words ever escaping their mother's lips at the same time. A lot of "I" and some "you" when scolding but never with a "love" in-between. Amanda couldn't remember exactly how it started but she remembered Kim asking her around the time they were 12 and 14 why their family never said 'I love you' to each other. Amanda wanted to answer that it was because their mother didn't know what love was but of course she'd been wiser and just said she didn't know.

Kim then told her that Louise's family, that was her best friend at the time, said it all the time to each other. And it was somewhere after that conversation that Kim started to tell Amanda that she loved her. Amanda tried it too. It always came out awkward though, even as adults it never felt fluent even if they did mean it. It was like they just never learnt it as kids and it felt unnatural to them both. Amanda just added it to the list of everything else that their mother deprived them off as children.

Amanda slowly let go off her sister and Fin came around to see if she'd let him help her out of there. When she took a step away from the table he realized she was still wearing the clothes she had on at the scene. Her dark blue jeans were rusty brown over her entire thighs and her shirt was sprinkled with blood which was even more evident because of the brighter fabric. He held his hand out but it got stuck in the air a few inches away from her. He was uncertain to how close she'd let him come and the uncertainty scared him a little. She finally was able to let her sister go with her eyes and she turned quickly on her heel and walked out with her head down. She walked passed Liv and then Melinda. Fin followed close behind and Liv followed after she'd shot Melinda a thankful smile.

They took the elevator up, Amanda stuck to the wall as Fin stood in the middle and Liv next to him. Fin and Liv shot each other a blank look as they weren't sure what to say or do. But all of a sudden Amanda spoke and multiple questions came rambling out at the same time;

"Have you spoken to the detective on the case? Has he talked to anyone? Who did she stay with? Did they talk to this person?"

The elevator let them know they had arrived at their floor and Amanda walked out quickly. The uniformed officers that were waiting for the elevator stepped aside with puzzled faces as they could clearly see that the detective was soaked in blood. Usually any news that involved a colleague spread quickly through a station but these two looked uninformed.

"Cragen just came back from 6th and detective Radnor. We'll fill you in once we get you out of those clothes," Liv said as she hurried up to Amanda. Amanda looked down on herself and seemed a little surprised herself about the state of her clothes. She stopped mid-step. She remembered noticing and hesitating a little at the hospital once she found her jeans and was about to put them back on but once they were on she'd completely forgot about it. Now that she looked down though she got a little shocked. They saw her grab a hold of her own shirt, clung on to a piece of fabric that had a large blood spot.

"Common, let's get you out of those clothes," Liv said as she realized Amanda wasn't going to move on her own. Fin was a little unsure what to do and was happy Liv took charge. Liv carefully placed her hand behind Amanda's lower back and guided her inside the squad room.

"But I want to," Amanda tried but trailed off. She didn't want to lose another second in finding her sister's murderer but suddenly she felt so empty. As in a vacuum was the closest way she could describe the feeling. She wanted to go to their captain's office but Liv grabbed her arm carefully but firmly and led her towards the bunkers were they had their lockers.

"We will Amanda. Just as soon as we gotten a new set of clothes on you," Liv said. Amanda searched backwards for Fin's eyes and support but so did Liv and she knew he would be with her on this. Fin gave Liv a nod.

"Just get redressed and we'll set everything up in the cap's office," Fin reassured Amanda and she let herself be led down the hall by Liv.

Fin walked into Cragen's office. He'd risen from behind his desk once he spotted Amanda walking in but then remained there as he wasn't sure how to console his detective, and if she even needed consoling.

"How's she doing?" Cragen asked immediately. Fin just shrug his shoulders and shook his head a little. Nick walked into the office.

"Should she really be out of the hospital?" Nick asked after just passing Amanda and Liv in the hallway.

"She sneaked out," Fin just said knowing there was no way she would go back to the hospital now and she would probably had fought her way out if anyone did try to stop her earlier.

"She insists her sister didn't just fall," Fin said as he turned back towards his captain.

"What did Melinda say?"

"Accident or suicide. No foul play. She had drugs in her system." Cragen sighed loudly. He knew this would get tricky.

"Maybe we should get Radnor over here instead of letting her go there?" Cragen suggested and Fin nodded. That was a smart idea. Cragen picked up his phone and dialed.

**Meanwhile** Liv had led Amanda into the bunks. Liv had noticed Amanda's face changing as they got inside. It was like a haze had lowered over her eyes and it was rather spooky to see her like this. She looked lost.

"Do you have something to change into?" Liv asked when Amanda became still in the middle of the room where Liv let go of her. Amanda looked a little confused at first.

"Do you have set of clothes in your locker?" Liv asked again, slowing down her speech a little to make sure Amanda got her. Amanda still looked confused.

"I'm…" she started and after a few seconds; "don't know."

"Let's just have a look then," Liv suggested with a smile and walked up to her partner's locker. She found another top but for the bottoms all she could find was a pair of running tights. Amanda could surely pull it off but it wasn't really suitable Liv figured.

"I have a pair of black sweatpants in my locker. They will be too big for you but will that work for you?" Liv asked. Again Amanda seemed to look at her with completely blank eyes. Liv was custom to it having dealt with a lot of shocked victims and relatives but it did concern her.

"I think that will work better than tights anyway," Liv smiled and walked over to her locker to get them. Liv hung the pants over her own shoulder as she walked back to Amanda. Liv looked her over a little. It seemed the hospital had washed off the blood that had been on her face earlier and Liv hoped that meant they'd clean the rest of her up too.

"Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit, so you can undress," Liv asked. Amanda swallowed and she squinted her eyes a little as she seemed to register what Liv was asking.

"Amanda are you feeling okay?" Liv asked concerned and touched Amanda's cheek a little to really get her attention. Amanda's eyes were bouncing a bit all around Liv so she wanted to make sure she had her attention. Amanda nodded a little but it wasn't enough to convince Liv.

"I'm going to stay with you okay? I'm going to help you get out of your clothes and into these new ones," Liv said and it was more a statement than a question. There was no way she'd leave Amanda alone right now. This was shock setting in or something and she should not be alone.

"Let's get the top of you first okay?" Liv had placed the new top over her shoulder as well and she grabbed a hold of the hem of Amanda's current top.

"Get your arms up Amanda," Liv told her and she awkwardly did as told. Liv pulled the top over her head leaving the young detective in a silky white bra. Liv scanned her front and she looked clean from blood.

"Good, now let's get this clean one on you," Liv said and helped Amanda get one of her arms in and then the other one. It felt a little as dressing a kid. Amanda just followed Liv commands and let her move her limbs for her at times. When the top was on Liv pulled Amanda's hair up and released it down over her back.

"Okay, now the pants," Liv said and lifted her top a little again so she could undo her jeans. Amanda's eyes kept being just a void and she let Liv undo the button down fly on her jeans.

"Okay let's get these off you," Liv said and sat down as she pulled the jeans down with her. It didn't feel awkward at all for Liv. Anything her partner needed right now she'd do if it eased just a little bit of the grief she must be going through. Even with her own sporadic contact with her brother Liv couldn't imagine how it would feel to lose him. And from what little Liv knew about Amanda's family relations she got that her sister was like the only one she counted as family.

Liv got her pants down to her feet and then got her shoes off by telling her to lift one foot and then the other one. Amanda followed like in a trance. Liv managed to get shoes and pants off without much hassle. Liv inspected her legs a little and was thankful that the hospital seemed to have done a good job cleaning her up. The last thing Liv wanted was to expose Amanda to her sister's blood again. It had clearly been enough, which was completely understandable, to push her over some edge. Amanda looked completely lost. Liv just focused on getting her dressed and again she had to tell Amanda to raise one foot and then the other.

She got the sweats up without getting up herself and then she rolled them up around the ankles. It wasn't a fashion statement but it had to do. She got back up on her feet once she got Amanda's shoes back on and she fixed Amanda's top so it hid some of the sweatpants. Liv looked down her face for a bit.

"Amanda, how about we get you home now?" Liv suggested. Amanda's eyes darted a bit back and forth without ever fully resting on Liv's.

"We'll get you home, you get a good night's sleep and then we'll deal with everything tomorrow okay?" Amanda's eyes blinked a few times.

"Huh?" she breathed almost unheard. Liv touched her arm, let her hand go up and down.

"Home, sleep and then deal with everything in the morning?" Liv repeated. Amanda took a deep breath that got stuck a few times in her throat.

"I need to see… what's his name now?" Amanda sounded as confused as she looked.

"Detective Radnor," Liv helped her out and Amanda nodded.

"You can do that tomorrow honey. Why not wait until tomorrow?" Amanda shook her head a little.

"No, I… I need to talk to him now," Amanda insisted.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Liv said honestly. Amanda's entire body suddenly straighten up though and she cleared her throat as her eyes again blinked almost franticly.

"No, I'm going to talk to detective Radnor. Today," Amanda said and took a step away from Liv.

"Okay, let's go see Cragen and we'll figure out a plan," Liv hoped their captain could talk some sense into her. Liv hurried to fold together Amanda's jeans and top. She put them in her own locker since she planned to try and salvage them at home later on. She wasn't sure all that blood would wash out though. She closed Amanda's locker too and then turned to her. Liv caught her clenching and unclenching her fists like she needed to pump blood down to them or something.

"Are you really sure you want to deal with all this right now. A night's sleep might help you clear your mind," Liv said.

"I'm sure. I'm cleared. Now," Amanda said and it sounded like she tried to convince herself just as much as Liv. Liv still nodded and followed her out.  
Cragen got back up off his chair once he noticed Amanda and Liv approaching. Nick got up from the couch he'd temporarily retracted to while Fin kept leaning against the glass into the interview room.

"How are you holding up?" Cragen asked with much concern in his voice. Amanda gave him a nod and then swallowed before she answered.

"I'm okay," she said without much force behind it and several people in the room felt unsure about the truth behind her words.

"I've called detective Radnor over, you think you're strong enough to give him a statement?" Cragen wished he hadn't used the word 'strong' but his detective seemed to light up when she heard this.

"Yes. I want to talk to him. I want to know what he got and how we can proceed," Amanda said quickly.

"Proceed?" Cragen repeated. "Can I ask you what you're thinking here?"

"I want to find the person responsible for my sister's death," Amanda said clearly. Cragen shot Fin a troubled look which of course Amanda caught. She took a step closer to his desk.

"Look, captain, I get what y'all thinking but believe me, sir please, I know my sister. She gets in all sorts of trouble but fall out a window she would not." Cragen still looked skeptical.

"And what if she…" Cragen couldn't even say it but he didn't have to since Amanda cut in quickly once he quieted down.

"No, she wouldn't kill herself either."

"She had drugs in her system Amanda," Liv tried. Amanda shot her a look with a face that told them she was either angry or getting worked up again.

"She's been on drugs since she was 9," Amanda said with a slight roll of her eyes. "That's the first time they gave her Ritalin. She took amphetamine at 11 and then back to Ritalin again at 12. Drugs don't affect her much, trust me." Liv met Cragen's eyes briefly before he looked back at Amanda.

"Okay, let's see what Radnor has to say. I know he wants to take a statement from you and we'll take it from there okay?" Cragen waited until Amanda gave him a nod.

"Good," Cragen breathed, "and Amanda, just know we're all here for you. You don't have to hide anything from us. We got your back." Amanda felt a bit bothered by her captain's public display of concern. She shot Fin a sideway glance but he just gave her a weak smile. He stood by their captain's words.

"Thanks," Amanda mumbled feeling a bit embarrassed.

**It didn't** take long until detective Ruben Radnor stepped inside their squad room. Captain waved him in and Radnor approached Amanda first thing he did. He extended his hand to her and then acknowledged her loss and how sorry he was about her sister. Amanda, along with the rest, appreciated him for doing that and the rest settled with a look and a quick nod as a greeting.

"Why don't you take the interview room?" Cragen suggested. "It's a bit nicer than my office." Fin went to open the door and then went in to close the outward door. Amanda walked in a head of Radnor.

"Can I stay in?" Fin asked when he turned back and he directed the question to Amanda. She gave him a quick nod.

"Me too?" Liv asked. Amanda hesitated a bit but she figured the rest of them would just watch through the window if not in the room so what did it really matter. She gave Liv a nod and then turned to Radnor. She felt unsure where to sit now that she was the one giving the statement. Fin went to sit down on the couch and Liv followed and sat down next to him but with some space between them.

"I'll be next door if you need me," Cragen said and closed the door behind him and Nick, who would, as Amanda had suspected, linger by the glass window listening in. Radnor made it easy for Amanda to pick a chair when he grabbed the chair closest to the window. Amanda felt a bit awkward as she went around the table to have a seat in the chair that usually hosted their suspects or victims or someone else related to their case.

"So as I said in there," Radnor started as he unfolded his note pad, "I'm so sorry for your loss detective. I can come back tomorrow if you feel like you need to head home or whatever."

"No, let's just do this," Amanda hurried to say and Radnor nodded.

"So I got most on your sister's background I guess. We still don't really know why she was in town though, can you enlighten us about that perhaps?"

"I'm afraid I can't. I didn't know she was here," Amanda admitted and squirmed a bit on her chair.

"Okay," Radnor started, "can you tell me about your relationship a bit then?"

"Well it wasn't..," Amanda tried to choose her words wisely, "always easy I guess." Radnor nodded with a smile as he understood.

"I guess you know about her…"

"Drug charges, yes," Radnor acknowledged having suspected that it couldn't be easy for sisters to be on either side of the law.

"Well being a cop and all it did put some strain on our relationship I guess. We were close as kids. Perhaps a bit too close. I don't know. Back then it was like we only had each other so we needed each other I guess."

"Yeah I've seen your sister's file and your name's in there too," Radnor said a bit cryptic. Amanda's eyes briefly went sideways to Liv and Fin, it felt a bit awkward having them in there after all.

Liv got very curious about what it was in the file that Radnor had seen. Fin had a somewhat put together picture of his partner´s childhood. She wasn't the best at sharing but over this year and a half she'd voluntarily and sometimes involuntarily mentioned things that had given him some idea about her far from perfect childhood. Best source though had been Kim, the few times she'd visited over this past year and when Fin got a chance to see her. He had a dislike for the sister since he knew what rides she took her sister through and Amanda seemed to just have such a blind spot when it came to her sister. It was like she'd do anything to keep her out of trouble, even if that meant Amanda herself got in trouble. But Kim didn't seem to pick up on his dislike and that girl could talk. Could talk. Past tense.

"When was the last time you saw your sister?" Radnor asked and Liv picked up on the look Amanda and Fin exchanged. Radnor had his eyes in the pad and didn't notice though.

"February," Amanda said as she swallowed.

"She stayed with you then?" Radnor asked and Amanda nodded.

"She usually stayed with you when she came to visit?" Another nod.

"Did she have any friends in the city as far as you know?"

"She made friends very easily but never seemed to hold on to them for long. It's always been like that. I can't give you any name on anyone she knew in the city."

"Your sister was staying at a place that belonged to a Cassie Swinton. Ever heard of or met her?"

"Name doesn't sound familiar. You have a photo?"

"Oh, no not with me. We'll look at it later," Radnor said as he scanned his note pad.

"Jeff Parker," he said and looked up. Amanda's face frowned a bit. It was the name of the man that had hurt her sister, physically, so many times.

"What about him?" Amanda asked with a bitter tone.

"You know his whereabouts these days?" Amanda shook her head.

"Do you know if your sister still saw him?" Amanda stirred a bit on her chair. She so wished she could answer no way in hell to that question.

"I honestly can't tell you. If she did I don't think she would tell me cause she knows how I feel about him and about her forgiving him over and over again." Radnor nodded as he understood and then scribbled something down.

"You think he could have done this?" Amanda asked and Radnor gave her a serious look. Before he answered his eyes briefly went over to Liv and Fin. The detectives on the couch both held their breaths as they awaited his answer.

"Jeff Parker was arrested on a minor charge this weekend in Atlanta and spent some hours in lock-up, it's highly unlikely he made it to New York but of course we're looking into it." Radnor dodge that bullet smoothly and the room relaxed again. Amanda wasn't quite ready to give up though.

"So what other suspects do you have?" It was Radnor's time to swallow and he took a few seconds before he answered.

"At this time it looks as though she was alone in the apartment when she fell but we'll hear Cassie again. And her boyfriend that sometimes stays at the apartment. Your sister arrived Friday in the city it seems, she ran into Cassie at Grand Central and ended up staying with her. They had a party Saturday night and we're talking to everyone who attended that party. So far though, none of the party guests looks suspicious and had nothing against your sister."

"She didn't fall." Amanda's voice was deep and stern and she starred Radnor down. He shot another sideway glance to the other detectives as he wet his lips a bit nervously and thought about how to approach this subject. Captain Cragen had informed him that his latest case's sister did not buy into either accident or suicide and that he had to prepare for that she would fight him if he said otherwise. Having the rest of this special victims unit watching his every move didn't help calm him either.

"She had drugs in her system," Radnor started but was cut off.

"What kind?" Amanda asked bluntly.

"We haven't got the results yet but she was seen smoking crack and taking ecstasy Saturday night," Radnor was cut off by Amanda blowing air out of her nostrils and she shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"You must have gone through my sister's stuff, what medicines did you find? Abilify? Clozaril?" Amanda went on to ramble another twenty or so medications she knew her sister had been on in the past.

"She was on Haldol in February. You will, without a doubt find benzodiazepine and or barbiturate or lithium or…" again Amanda rambled a few more substances she'd gained a lot of information about over the years to try and stay on top of her sister's medical history.

"…in her system. Whatever else you find, when it comes to drugs, I can tell you had no effect what so ever on my sister. Her tolerance level is sky high. Drugs for her are like..," Amanda searched for something synonymous, "chewing gum to you and me. Just something you do to pass time or whatever. My sister does not need drugs to act crazy, ask anyone who knows her." Amanda's hand unconsciously gestured toward Fin on the couch. Radnor looked over and Fin nodded with great emphasis as he could back Amanda's statement up.

"I can buy that the medicines one day could kill her but then she'd drop dead on the spot, not out a window."

"What if she jumped voluntarily?" Radnor said carefully. Amanda just shook her head at him in disbelief.

"She has a history of suicide attempts," Radnor said and had to raise his voice as he continued as Amanda chuckled dryly, "she cut her wrist back in…" Amanda cut him off though.

"Yeah she was 14, her boyfriend broke her heart a tiny bit. And if you checked her record properly you'd see she cut horizontally. And not that deep either. Mom didn't even want to take her in, I had to take her. And she didn't even need stitches. Some glue and a larger band-aid and we went home."

"She took an overdose at…"

"21. Yeah on my mom's migraine medicine," Amanda leaned forward and her voice leaned towards angry, "she called me _before_ she took the pills though and knew I was coming over. And she chose the one bottle in our mom's cabinet that would not kill her. Believe me our mom had like ten other bottles that Kim could have chosen instead if she was being deadly serious. Kim's pill popping has an origin trust me on that. I took her in since again, our mom did not take her serious and went to the casino instead with her friends. I took her in since I wasn't sure how many pills she'd taken but she had five, count them five, pills when they pumped her stomach. I could have done a better job killing her at that point than the pills ever could have done."

Amanda sat back and took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down. Radnor looked a little overwhelmed but just drew two lines over some scribble in his note pad as he gave Amanda some time to settle down. Liv shot Fin a look and he managed to pull his eyes off Amanda for a brief second to meet her gaze. Neither one of them was sure what to make of it all but Amanda delivered a strong case that it was in fact at least not a suicide.

"Okay, so I understand why you're not buying that it was a suicide," Radnor said once he felt, and could see, that Amanda had calmed down a bit.  
"But who would want to see your sister dead?" Amanda had to think about it.

"I don't know," she said honestly and back was her low, fragile voice.

"I don't think Jeff ever really wanted to kill her. He just liked smacking her around. My sister could really pull on your last nerve but she was never intentionally mean." Liv was the only one that caught Fin's barely noticeable flinch when Amanda said that.

"She was naïve, gullible. She never really saw anything bad in anyone. She could overstay her welcome though. I don't know how long this Cassie thought Kim was going to stay…"

"I talked to her and," Radnor chose his words carefully, "it seemed she thought it was just for a night but Cassie didn't really seem to mind. She did say she wasn't the best housecleaner…" Radnor smiled at Amanda and she smiled back knowing exactly what Cassie meant. It was, no it would now be, a fond memory of her sister.

"Your sister did mention you to Cassie. She said that she overstayed her welcome last time she was in town?" Radnor hoped Amanda would shed some light on this. Amanda rearranged herself a little.

"Yeah she did. But I know she knew that she could still come to me if she wanted to," Amanda hope that would be a sufficient enough answer for him.

"So you've talked to her, over the phone perhaps, since February?"

"Not talked. It's not unusual though that it would go months before she checked in with me. I sent texts though."

"And she replied?" Amanda shook her head.

"She sent me a postcard. Last month. From Reno." Amanda tried to bite down all the emotions that came from realizing that would be the last memory of her sister. A postcard that except from Amanda's own address in NY only consisted of one line. "Maybe I'll put all my money on red." It was an inside joke between them and Amanda knew there was a worked in I'm sorry in there too even though it didn't say so. It hadn't been signed but it could only be from one person and Amanda recognized her poor penmanship. Red had also been spelled with two D's at the end, another tell who it was from.

"What did it say?"

"Huh?" Amanda had been lost in thought.

"The postcard? What did it say?" Amanda just shrugged her shoulders a little.

"Same 'ol. She had fun, losing money at the tables like everyone else." She didn't feel like explaining the postcard and went with the white lie instead.

"She moved around a bit did she?"

"Yeah I guess, but just for adventure. A couple of months at a time. She always ended back up at our mom's or some old friend or boyfriend in Atlanta."

"Your mom lives in Loganville?" Amanda nodded.

"Have you talked to her?"

"No," Amanda felt a little bad about not even thinking about her mother. "I guess I have to call her though." Radnor just nodded. He had his own share of family trouble and understood family wasn't always easy to deal with.

"You know of any current job or boyfriend?" Amanda shook her head a little.

"She worked the country club last summer, in February she said she hoped to work there this summer too." Amanda's throat closed up suddenly as she thought about the fact there would be no more summer job for her sister. Radnor gave her a quick look.

"No mention of a new boyfriend," Amanda said to recover quickly.

"Okay then, well I guess that will be all. For now at least. We'll check in on this Jeff and I'm seeing Cassie tomorrow to pick up the last of your sister's things."

"Can I be there?" Amanda asked eagerly. Radnor looked hesitant.

"I'd really like to see where she stayed, her last days I mean." Amanda hoped that would win him over and surely it did.

"I'll call you when I'm heading over," Radnor said and Amanda nodded.

"Here's my card if you think of anything," Radnor then said and slid over one of his cards over the table. Amanda took it and covered her hands with it.

"Well take care of yourself until tomorrow then. Try and get some sleep," Radnor tried as he stood up. Liv got up too while Fin just leaned forward on the couch.

"Thank you," Liv said quietly as Radnor gave them a nod as he walked towards the door. He closed the door behind him. Liv walked up to the table where Amanda had slumped back down again. Palms still hiding detective Radnor's card on the table.

"You okay?" Liv asked. Amanda didn't look at her but nodded. Liv shot Fin a look but he just raised his eyebrows a little. He wasn't sure either. The room fell quiet but then Cragen opened the door and stepped inside. Nick lingered in the doorframe.

"Why don't Fin take you home Amanda?" Cragen suggested and looked to Fin that it was an okay suggestion. Fin gave him a nod but did no attempt to get up just yet. Amanda seemed to come out of whatever haze she'd been in and gave her captain a weak smile.

"Yeah. No. My car?" she asked a bit confused.

"It's in the parking lot, I drove it in," Fin said and Amanda looked at him. She gave him a little nod.

"I can still drive you," he said and she gave him a tiny smile to let him know she appreciated it since she was about to turn him down. She grabbed the card off the table and pulled it down in her lap. While eyeing it she said;

"No, I'm going to go downstairs for a bit." Everyone in the room shared some looks.

"And then I'm going to drive myself home and call our mother." She looked up and tried to sound more in control than she felt. Cragen just gave her a nod even though he liked his idea better.

"Thanks you guys," she said as she got up, "for… everything." She shot them each a small smile before she headed out. The room stayed quiet for a while as everyone was stuck in their own thoughts for a bit. Cragen shot Fin a look finally.

"I'll make sure she gets home," Fin said without Cragen having to ask. Cragen gave him an appreciating nod and then turned to the other two.

"You two, home. Sleep. It's an order." Liv reached out and touched his arm before he headed back into his office.

"You want me to stay?" Liv asked Fin once Cragen had retracted to his office. Fin shook his head.

"No, you've done enough. I got this," Fin said and meant it.

"Call," Liv said as she turned for the door and Fin nodded as he got what she meant. Call if you need to.

"Night," Nick said to Fin as he followed Liv out. Liv said good night to Nick before she headed down to her locker to fetch Amanda's clothes. The plan was to try and salvage them at home tonight.

Fin stayed on the couch for a bit but then finally moved as he saw their captain heading out too. He got his stuff of his desk, went by the coffee machine to grab himself a well needed cup and then headed downstairs. He spotted her car still on the lot and had a seat on the stone stair for a bit. Officers passed him and most shot him a greeting. Fin nodded back every time. A couple of them stepped up to him and told him they'd heard about his partner's sister. Asked him to send her their condolences and he promised he would.

When the sun had set completely and he still saw no sign of his partner he decided to check downstairs. At first glance it seemed the morgue was completely empty but then he found a guy he remembered seeing once or twice but didn't know by name. He was sitting by a computer, typing away.

"Looking for your partner?" he asked and Fin nodded.

"Two doors down that way," he said and gestured with his head down the hall.

"Thanks," Fin said and walked down. He counted two doors twice since he didn't feel like walking into the wrong room. The morgue gave him a bit of the creeps he had to admit. He spotted Amanda when he peeked through the tiny window though and he carefully walked in. She was hunched over her sister's body. She was sitting on a chair and Kim was placed on a clothed gurney and wrapped in white sheets. Fin was sure Melinda had seen to it that Kim looked well taken care off. Amanda didn't move, no sobs rumbling through her body and she seemed oblivious to his presence. As he walked closer he got why. She was asleep. Her chin against her sister's chest, one hand underneath her neck and the other one tangled in her hair above her head. She looked so very peaceful, Amanda that was but her sister too, that he didn't want to disturb her. But the room was cold and she was only in a tee. This was not a place she could sleep through the night.

He watched her for a while even though he knew he shouldn't and that she would have his head if she knew. She just looked so serene. Not that she wasn't always gorgeous and even if it was a bit of a morbid place to have these thoughts on he couldn't help but find her very attractive. He dared to touch her cheek and brush a string of hair behind her ear. It fell back down and he had to do it all over again. After that he let his hand go down her arm. She felt cold to the touch and it just made him more certain he couldn't let her stay there. He whispered her name and squeezed her arm a little. He saw her eyes starting to move underneath her eyelids and once he said her name again her eyes finally opened up.

"Yeah?" she said startled and sat up. She seemed disoriented for a while which wasn't surprising to him and he let her just find her bearings. She hadn't let go off her sister and he saw her hand move a little in her sister's blond locks.

"Common, let's get you out of here," Fin said calmly. He'd kept his hand on her arm but now pulled it back to her back. Amanda turned her head a little towards him but her eyes never fully came up to meet his instead they went back down to her sister. He let her have another minute but when she didn't make a move he helped her by using his other hand to pull her chair out a bit. Reluctantly she got up and at the same time let her sister go.

"You can see her again tomorrow," Fin said to try and make it easier for her. Amanda nodded a little and together they wrapped Kim up a little. He again had to help her let go by wrapping his arm a little around her shoulders and aiding her towards the door. He caught her throw another look over her shoulder before the door closed behind them. She let out a heavy breath once they were out and Fin watched as she colored the air in front of her with the cool air from her lungs. He figured she must be even colder than he thought and he took his hoodie off and put it around her. She just accepted it and together they made their way out.

He put her in the passenger seat of her car and walked around to jump in front of the wheel of the old truck. They rode over the bridge to her place in silence. She seemed calm though. No tears, no frowning face. She just watched the street in front of them and as they drove over the bridge she turned to the side window and watched the dark water underneath.

He parked her car outside on her street and stopped the engine. A few moments passed but then she shot him a look followed by a tiny smile.

"You want me to walk you up?" he asked but she shook her head after a while.

"Take the car home," she offered.

"No, I'll take the sub, feel like walking a bit anyways," he answered. She nodded. They sat silent for a while longer but then she opened up the door to get out. He did the same. They met on the curb and she took his hoodie off and gave it back to him. He took it and handed her the keys to her car.

"Thanks," she said and he acknowledged it with a nod.

"You sure you don't want company?" he asked to make sure. She looked up her building as she seemed to think about it. She sighed heavily as she turned her head back down.

"No, I guess I really have to call my mom. I mean I should… call her. And… well I don't want company for that." She seemed to shiver a bit as she thought about what was ahead once she got up there.

"I can stay outside or something. Come in once you're done," he really felt like he wanted to come upstairs with her for some reason. He felt like holding her. Touching her. Promise her everything would be fine even though one could never promise something like that. She smiled a bit shyly and squirmed a bit as she pushed her hands down her, or Olivia's really, sweatpants.

"Really Fin, I'm fine," she said and tried to sound convincing.

"Okay," he whispered and bit down the disappointment he felt. He knew he had no right to demand anything from her right now.

"Thanks for… everything today," she said as she slowly made her way over to her front door.

"Any time. And call. If you need anything," he said and she looked back and gave him a small nod.

"Night," Amanda said quietly as she slipped inside. He stayed put for a while. Wanted to make sure she got up alright and waited for her light to go on in her apartment. Soon he saw just a tiny flash of light and he guess he had to settle with that. Perhaps she didn't feel like lighting up her entire place right now. He worried about her as he started to walk down the street to the nearest subway station.

Amanda got stuck inside her door for a while. She'd put the hallway light on but then just stared into the darkness of her apartment. It felt just a little lonelier than it had felt yesterday. She felt like crying but no tears came. After a while she shook her shoes off and walked inside. She sat down on her couch and pulled her legs up to her. She sat there for another long while just staring at the phone that taunted her on the table. She felt sick to her stomach knowing what she had to do sooner or later. She finally reached for the phone but then got stuck with it in her hands. She found herself just slightly rocking herself. It did make her feel a little better. Helped to keep the nausea down and it felt as though the dark couldn't really get its grip on her as long as she kept moving. Finally she started dialing. One number at a time. Her mom wasn't on speed dial. No need to be since she didn't call that often but she did know the digits.

Right now Amanda couldn't even remember when she'd talked to her mom last. Probably around Christmas right? Or did she just send a Christmas card last year? She stopped before she hit the last button and took a deep breath. Then she hurried to push it since she felt herself about to chicken out. She put the phone to her ear and leaned back. It kept ringing and ringing. By the tenth ring she started to realize her mom wasn't home. She let it ring another few times but then hung up. She tried to think. It was Tuesday. Rather late. Amanda just shook her head. Who was she fooling, she had no idea where her mom could be. Ever.

She reached in underneath the couch table and brought out a little note pad. She had her mom's cellphone number scribbled in there somewhere. She found it and dialed again. It took only four rings until someone answered. Amanda heard voices in the distance, perhaps some music too she couldn't really tell. She just waited for something, probably her mom's voice. And then there it was; "Hello?" Amanda found herself opening her mouth but nothing came out.

"Hello? Who is this?" Amanda swallowed hard, she knew she had to speak soon or her mom would hang up and she would have to dial all over again.

"Mom? It's Amanda," she managed to say. There was a void, she started to think her mom perhaps hadn't heard her.

"Oh, well that is a surprise," she finally said.

"Yeah," Amanda said, couldn't dispute that. No one said anything for a while. The background noises had disappeared, Amanda imagined her mom had at least moved herself to some place a bit more secluded.

"So mom, you think you'll be home soon?" Amanda didn't really feel like telling her this news if she was out somewhere.

"Why? Are you planning a visit? That would _really_ be a surprise," her mom had her usual sarcastic tone in her voice and Amanda had to bite her lip to not retaliate as she usually did.

"No mom I really need to talk to you," Amanda said instead.

"So talk."

"I think it would probably be better if you're at home…"

"Why?"

"Mom…"

"You gotten yourself in trouble? The big city a bit too big for ya after all?" She didn't ask it in that concerned voice most mothers would probably use when asking something like that. No this was bordering on bullying but it wasn't anything Amanda wasn't used to and even though it always got to her Amanda knew how to let it run off her by now.

"Mom, I got something… bad to tell you," Amanda said instead and heard her own voice waver.

"So tell me," her mom sounded serious.

"Are you sure you don't want to…"

"Just tell me Amanda," her mom interrupted and Amanda knew she couldn't hold it off any longer.

"It's about Kim mom," Amanda said as she felt tears dwelling up and pouring over.

"Mom, Kim… she f..," Amanda was about to say 'fell' but changed her mind.

"Kim died mom," Amanda said quickly and bit her lip to stop a sob escaping her throat. Seconds passed. Maybe even a minute.

"Did you hear me mom?" Amanda had to ask once she felt it was safe without starting to sob.

"I heard ya," her mom said emotionless on the other side of the line.

"What happen?"

"She fell from a window. We don't know much more than that yet I'm afraid."

"She was in New York?"

"Yes."

"Was it your window?"

"No, she was staying with someone else. I didn't even know she was here."

"You weren't keeping track of her," her mom said more like a statement than a question. That one hurt. Amanda wanted to tell her mom off. Tell her it was her job to keep track of her daughter and not Amanda's responsibility. But Amanda knew better. It had always been Amanda's job and she was already blaming herself for Kim's death even if this turned out to be a murder.

"So what happens now? Will her body be transferred down here?"

"Yeah I guess," Amanda hadn't thought about that yet.

"By plane?"

"I would think so."

"Will I have to pay for it?" Amanda covered her eyes with her free hand. Fuck you mom she wanted to scream but of course she didn't.

"I'll take care of it," she said instead. There was a silent pause.

"Well okay then, I think I have to go," her mom finally said. She sounded alarmingly cold.

"Are you okay mom?" Amanda asked as she let her hand fall back down. She was honestly concerned. She had to wait a while before her mom answered.

"Yeah. We knew this day would come didn't we?" Amanda clinched her teeth. Why was everyone so damn unsurprised about her sister dying? Amanda didn't get it.

"I guess I'll see you soon after all then. The funeral. Bye honey."

Amanda was left with the dead line stuck to her ear. She listen to the soft sound of static. When she thought she started to hear voices in the static she realized it was time to hang up. She let the phone drop to the floor and then curled up on the couch. She got a hold of the throw on top of the couch and pulled it down over herself. She cried herself to sleep.

* * *

_In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. _(Psalms 77:2)

* * *

He was furious. And scared at the same time. Something had gone wrong. Terribly wrong. He drove fast through the city. Just above the speed limit though. The last thing he needed right now was to get pulled over. He wasn't sure he would manage to uphold his mask if he had to encounter someone right now. He tried to stay calm but his inside were in turmoil. He felt his blood pump against his eardrums and he felt the need to scream. He turned the radio up, to the point where the speakers started to crackle. He checked the sideway mirrors as well as the back mirror. When he made sure no car was too close he open up his mouth and screamed.

And he kept screaming until he reached the end of the bridge. By then his face was red, his throat soar and he felt sweat running down the back of his neck. He knew he had to calm down and he punched his fist to his own leg, He kept punching until he finally could feel some pain originating from the impact area. Any pain was better than the one he felt inside. He took a left turn, drove the streets to a secluded area. He knew this area as the back of his hand. He still took precautions though, he knew he needed to be smart even when stressed.

There was a reason he'd been able to stay under the radar for this long. He was smart. Always thought one step ahead. Made meticulous plans, made sure he could grab them when no one was around. He was always unseen. The advantage of being bland, you could blend in anywhere. Right now though he felt as he was bursting. For so many years. Not a single mistake. Why did this happen? Why now? He parked the car and rushed out. Left the door open and ran down to the shore. He managed to keep from screaming again, knew someone, somewhere could be watching him right now and he could not afford another mistake.

He put his fists in his hair though, pulled at the roots, let the pain take some of the rage. He clinched his teeth, looked to the sky. _Why God?_ he asked silently. _What's the reason behind this?_ He let go off his hair and sat down, for once didn't bother that the sand would get inside his clothes. He found a rather small rock within reach and he grabbed a hold. Started to punch it into his leg, slowly and in rhythm with his own rocking back and forth.

He kept praying to God, kept asking why. When he finally came to from the trance he'd slipped into more than an hour had passed. But he'd reached a conclusion. God had set him straight, explained why. It was clearly a test. It had been many years now since he'd been put through a test. God had obviously felt it was time to challenge his beliefs, see if he could concur an obstacle. God would not be disappointed with him. He would succumb to whatever God had in store for him. He would work this out. Even good men could falter. He would ask for forgiveness and then move on. Finish what he'd started. He had souls to save. Perhaps this last mishap also was a lost soul? Perhaps he'd done a good deed even during this oversight? He let the rock drop from his fist.

He bowed his head and closed his eyes. He let his hands stay planted on his legs. A good man did not have to close his hands to talk to God. God would hear him, that he knew. Silently he started praying; _A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit. Do not drive me from your presence, nor take from me your holy spirit. Restore my joy in your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit.  
I will teach the wicked your ways, that sinners may return to you. Rescue me from death, God, my saving God, that my tongue may praise your healing power. Lord, open my lips; my mouth will proclaim your praise. For you do not desire sacrifice; a burnt offering you would not accept. My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit; God, do not spurn a broken, humbled heart. Amen. _


	3. Limbo

**I can't thank you enough for the reviews. I was actually worried that I put too much detail in this, I find myself unable to _not_ do it so it's a big relief to hear you don't hate it. Okay enough chit-chat here's the next chapter...**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Limbo**

* * *

"_Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me_. (John 14:1)

* * *

**The following day**

Fin hadn't slept well at all during the night. His mind had been occupied with concern about his partner. Images of her on that pavement with her sister in her arms and her blood all over her. Hearing her violent sobs as he held on to her as he separated her from her sister. And then that peaceful image of her sleeping on top of her sister's body down in the morgue. Those sounds and images had haunted him all night long and he woke up feeling anything but rested or ready for whatever other horrifying events the day had ahead for all of them.

He fought the urge to call her, hoped that she would still be sleeping. As he stepped into the squad room Nick told him that wasn't the case though.

"Warner checked in. Rollins was in the morgue when she got there. Liv went down to check on her. It was like thirty minutes ago." Fin took a deep breath.

"Okay, thanks," he said and turned back around. He found Liv in a chair opposite Melinda behind her desk. They both greeted him and he nodded as a reply.

"You do not look rested," Liv said frankly.

"Did you sleep well?" Fin countered and Liv smiled sadly as she shook her head a little.

"Have you been in to check on her?" he asked and both women nodded.

"She tossed me out immediately earlier this morning. No one saw her come in so I'm not sure when she got here," Melinda informed him.

"I was in there like thirty minutes ago. She seems collected but I'm not really sure," Liv then said. "She said she wanted a few more minutes."

"Okay, I'll have a look," Fin said without much enthusiasm and then headed down the hall. He found her in that same chair again. She was sitting up this time though and he thought she was rocking a little bit back and forth. As he entered though she seemed to stop.

"Hi, it's just me," he said once she didn't turn to look at him.

"I know," she said, "you have your squeaky sneakers on." That made him smile briefly. He walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders. He leaned down and put his cheek briefly on the side of her head and then walked around the gurney so he could see her better. She looked collected just as Liv had described but by now he knew looks could be deceiving when it came to his partner.

"When did you get here?" he asked but she shrugged her shoulders as an answer. Her eyes never left her sister.

"Did you get any sleep at home?" He got a nod and hoped she was being truthful.

"You got a hold of your mom?" Again he got a nod.

"How did that go?" he asked not willing to give up on getting a verbal response at some point.

"Her biggest concerned seemed to be who would pay for the transfer of the body. When I told her I would pay for it she seemed fine." Amanda sounded cold but again he knew it could be just a front. He didn't doubt that this was her mother's actual response though. He didn't know much about the mother but he knew Amanda wasn't so fond of her and there must be a reason for it.

"You ready to head upstairs and do some work?" he asked to get her mind off whatever had taken place last night between her mother and her. Amanda's eyes finally met his as they flickered up at him.

"You'll help me prove she was murdered?" she asked a bit hesitant.

"I'll help you with whatever it is you need help with. I'm your partner."

"But you don't believe she was murdered?" Amanda looked as though she could start to cry but of course she didn't.

"I believe _you_ Amanda. And if you say something's up here I trust you." She kept her eyes stuck at him for a while longer as she weight in his words and searched his eyes to make sure he was being honest. Once she fully bought what he said she gave him a tiny nod and then she stroke her sister's cheek.

He managed to get her out of there just a little while later and they went upstairs to meet whatever the day had in store for them. Cragen gave them some leeway to work on Kim's case. It was the least he could do for his young detective he figured. He would prefer that she go home and grieve the loss but he also knew this was something she had to get out of her system. If she thought her sister was killed by someone she needed to deal with it and as a detective dealing meant going about it as one of their cases.

When Amanda took a break to visit the bathroom though he made sure Fin knew he had to keep an eye on her and report back if anything happen. Fin agreed even though he already knew he would cover for his partner in a second if she needed it. Cragen asked Liv and Nick to meanwhile work their current case. Liv really wanted to help out with Amanda but she knew better than to fight Cragen on this one. She let Fin know though that she was there if he, or Amanda, needed her.

After having spent some time at the 6th precinct with detective Radnor they drove over to talk to Cassie Swinton, the woman Kim had been staying with. They took two separate cars and as Fin drove up to the building he could feel the tension in his partner.

"You okay?" he asked and tried to keep it a bit casual so she wouldn't feel cornered. Her eyes had been glued to the house, or more so to the alley to its right. She managed to tear her eyes from it and gave him a nod once she looked at him. It wasn't convincing enough but he let it slide for now as she'd already started to move out of the car. Radnor had parked a little further up the street and came hustling over to them. Fin noticed that Amanda kept her eyes down as they walked across the street and headed inside. The elevator seemed to be out of order so they had to take the stairs which Fin cursed silently as he started to feel winded. Radnor led them to Cassie's door and she answered quickly after Radnor's first knock. For a brief second Amanda's heart stopped as the woman in front of them looked a whole lot like Kim. But of course she wasn't and when she quickly reached out and addressed Amanda, said her condolences, Amanda snapped out of it.

"Thank you," Amanda said silently. She felt herself get pulled into the apartment by Cassie who was still holding on to her hand.  
"I'm just so very sorry. I don't know what happened. She seemed happy the day before, everything seemed fine," Cassie rambled as she brought Amanda into her living room. Radnor and Fin were close behind. A man who was sitting on the couch got up and reached over the table to shake Amanda's hand.

"Bobby. The boyfriend," he said. "I'm so sorry about your sister," he added and Amanda gave him a nod. Her eyes lingered on him as he got around to shake the other detective's hands. Right now everyone was a suspect to Amanda.

"You want something to drink? We only have like coffee or water though," Cassie offered. Amanda shook her head a little.  
"I think we're fine," Radnor said in her place. Cassie nodded.  
"Oh I just wish I'd stayed home with her. If I'd been here maybe…" Cassie fell short.

"Why don't you have a seat," Bobby suggested to Cassie whose eyes had teared up. Cassie looked at Amanda as to ask if she wanted to and Amanda nodded. They went over to the couch. Bobby had left the room but Radnor and Fin also had a seat. Cassie grabbed a tissue from a box that was out on the table and she wiped her nose. Amanda noticed a lot of used clots all over the place.

"So did you want to ask me something else? Or you perhaps?" Cassie had asked Radnor but then turned to Amanda with the next question. Amanda looked to Radnor, she wasn't sure she had the right to ask questions. Not that he would be able to stop her if she felt like it though but right now she felt a bit stunned. Radnor looked from Amanda back to Cassie.

"Yesterday we said that you should think about if there was anything else. Perhaps if Kim talked to someone else at that party Saturday? Or if she mentioned that she was seeing someone yesterday?" Radnor reminded her. She'd been pretty worked up yesterday. Her boyfriend had answered most questions about the party while Cassie at least had been able to tell him about how she ran into Kim at the Grand Central and how she'd ended up staying at her place.

"Yes, I've thought about it. We both have," Cassie said as Bobby walked back in and had a seat next to his girlfriend.

"But we can't think of anyone else who was at that party. And Kim talked to most of them, she seemed really happy that night," Cassie gave Amanda a smile and Amanda tried to send her one back.

"Sunday we just hung around here most of the day. We were going out for a bit but we ended up at the coffee shop just across the street. I was really hung over," Cassie admitted. Bobby stroked her back gently.

"We were all kinda hung over," he added. "Kim sobered up rather quickly though. I showed her this dance game on my Xbox," Bobby gestured towards the TV.

"Yeah," Cassie smiled at the memory, "she was dancing and laughing. Seemed to have a lot of fun. I just sat here on the couch feeling miserable but she really cheered me up."

"She seemed to have a lot of energy your sister," Bobby said and Amanda gave him a nod along with a sad smile.

"We liked her a whole lot. I mean it's not like I usually let complete strangers stay here but she was just so sweet," Cassie said with her eyes on Amanda. It did help a little to know that Kim spent her last days with people who seemed to like her. Amanda hadn't yet ruled them out as Kim's murderers though.

Radnor asked a few more questions, followed up on some names that had been at the party but they'd not yet been able to get in touch with. Bobby got up to fetch his phone to give Radnor the numbers he had for those missing party guests. Radnor followed him out to the kitchen. Amanda shot Fin a look, to him she seemed almost scared.

"How are you doing?" Cassie interrupted and Amanda turned to her. She wasn't sure what to say so she just nodded with a weak smile.

"I just can't believe this happened," Cassie mumbled getting teary eyed again.

"You were at your boyfriend's?" Amanda asked and Cassie nodded.

"When did you see her last?" Amanda asked even though she knew what she'd told detective Radnor. Cassie took a deep breath before she answered.

"I saw her Monday. She came into my work."

"At Luigi's coffeshop?" Amanda interrupted. Cassie nodded.

"Yeah. I'd promised to ask if she could pick up some extra shifts there but my boss is a total looser. We need more servers, especially for the later shifts but he's too cheap to hire more help." Cassie shook her head.

"So all I could get her was a free latte. She stayed around for a bit but then…" Cassie hesitated as she looked at Amanda with sad eyes.

"She said she was going to try and get a hold of you. But she never did, did she?" Cassie asked. This was news to Amanda and she shook her head.

"She told you how? Was she going to see me at the police station?" Amanda asked eagerly.

"Yeah I think so, she mentioned you worked nearby." Cassie went on to give her the address of her work place and it was not far from the precinct. Amanda tried to think back. She'd been out with Fin most of the day. They'd rode upstate to talk to their victim's family, stopped by the station just quickly before lunch and then headed back out only to check back in rather late. If Kim had been at the station though Amanda figured someone would have mentioned it to her. Perhaps she'd waited outside to see if she could catch Amanda? It hurt knowing she could have been so nearby but that Amanda never got to see her. If she'd met her sister could she have prevented this from happening? The question went around her head until Fin pulled her back as he stepped in to ask Cassie a question.

"Do you know if she ever went though? I mean did you talk to her later?" He'd seen Amanda space out and figured he had to step in to move this along. Cassie shook her head.

"I told her I would call her later but I just forgot. Too busy. I mean I was hanging with Bobby and we went to bed really early. We were both knackered. And then I had a shift at Luigi's in the morning and then Radnor called me. Just… awful. I'm really sorry I wasn't here with her," Cassie said and turned back to Amanda. Amanda wished Cassie had been home but she knew better than to blame her. Cassie seemed genuinely sweet. Amanda had a hard time believing she could have killed her sister but she was yet far from ruling her out completely. Bobby though… she thought as Radnor came walking back into the room with the boyfriend behind him. Radnor sat back down and Bobby stepped behind Amanda to go sit down on the couch again.

"I felt though as she really wanted to see you. She didn't say what or why but I just got a feeling she needed to apologize to you for something. She had regrets for something she'd done I'm sure of that."

"Cassie has a bit of a sixth sense for stuff like that." Bobby smiled and rubbed his girlfriend's thigh a little. Nothing more of value were said. Cassie had gathered up some more stuff that belonged to Kim and she handed the plastic bag to Amanda. As they were clearing out of there Amanda slipped Cassie her card and asked her to call her if she thought of anything or if she just felt like talking. Cassie out of the blue gave her a hug but then ran back into the apartment with tears going down her face.

"She's very emotional," Bobby aimed at Amanda excusing his girlfriend. Amanda just gave him a nod and soon they were down on the street again. They were left standing outside, Amanda could feel a question hanging in the air and wasn't surprised when Radnor approached it.

"This apologize she owed you…" he started. Amanda could tell he was a bit nervous about asking her this but she didn't hold it against him. Quite the opposite. She was happy he was doing his job. Following up leads so they could catch her sister's killer.

"Can I ask you what it was about?" Radnor asked. This time he caught the look Amanda gave Fin and the nod Fin gave her to urge her on to tell him.

"She…" Amanda hesitated. The last thing she wanted was to through shadow on her sister's memory but she needed to stick at least mostly to the truth and it was hard to paint what happened in anything but grey colors.

"The last time I saw her. I mean in February when she stayed with me. We had a bit of a falling out. She managed to get into some trouble. As usual," Amanda had to add. "She got arrested for public intoxication. I bailed her out, made sure it didn't go on her record." Amanda rolled her eyes now. So many times she'd gotten her sister out of trouble but in hindsight it was probably such a disservice. Maybe if she hadn't gone to Kim's aid her sister would have been forced to straighten out her act on her own. Maybe then she'd be alive today. Amanda shook her head to get rid of all the thoughts in her head. Both Fin and Radnor had caught the momentarily black out and given each other a look.

"Anyway, later that night I found her in my apartment with this junkie. They were snorting shit in my kitchen. Kim could not understand why I threw the guy out or why I flushed the drugs down the drain." Fin shook his head. Her sister had truly been a piece of work.

"And then the next day I found out she tried to withdraw money from my account. She'd found my books in my apartment. I scolded her out through phone cause we were really busy at work and then when I got home that night she'd cleaned out my place. Most everything… gone. Everything of value definitely gone."

"I take it you didn't report it?" Radnor said and Amanda shook her head. Fin shook his head too but this time more towards Amanda. He still felt a bit miffed that she hadn't told him what happen straight away. He had to find out for himself when he just knew something was up. She closed up on Kim's whereabouts all of a sudden even though she'd shared the mayhem she'd cause all over town the previous couple of days. When Amanda started to look very tired at work and started using her usual tactics to get people to back off – by biting back and resorting to somewhat mean spirited tugs – he knew something was up. So he'd forced himself into her apartment one night after shift only to find it completely empty. She was literally sleeping on the floor. Some newly bought clothes stacked on a paper bag next to the bed. Little by little they had refurnished her place but she'd been dead set on not filing charges on her sister. Something Fin had made her bluntly aware that he thought was a stupid thing but he still hadn't pressured her more about it.

"Okay. So you think your sister was in need of money then?" Radnor hinted to the fact she'd try to clean out her sister's bank account and when that failed had cleaned out her apartment instead.

"She always wanted more money. We grew up without them. She liked to spoil herself. But I think the cleaning out my place was more aimed at me. The money was just an added bonus." This was the first Fin heard about this theory and he was listening intensely on Amanda's and Radnor's conversation. Amanda could tell by Radnor's face he wanted more and she reluctantly fessed up.

"We had a fight the night before. Things were said. She blamed me for taking the job she wanted, God knows how she thought she could ever be a cop with her record but that's what she said. And she told me some harsh things our mother had said about me and my ambition…" Amanda's voice faded out as the somewhat painful memories of that night and that fight flushed over her.

"Anyway, I apologized, for what I don't know but with Kim… that was just the way it worked. But I think that grudge still lingered. It wasn't like she needed money for drugs, she could easily get that for free just fluttering her eyelashes at some guy or raiding our mother's cabinet. I usually paid for her bus ticket out of town but I think she decided to get the money to get her own that time. That's my theory anyway," Amanda finished with and Radnor seemed to buy it.

They separated there at the apartment. Amanda asked Fin if she could just get a minute and she headed into the alley for a while. Fin hung around the car meanwhile. She seemed collected when she came back about twenty minutes later. They rode back in and Cragen let her work her sister's case while Fin helped out Liv and Nick. Fin tried to keep an eye on her. Cragen called her into his office a little later. They could all see Amanda got a little agitated behind the closed door but again she seemed collected once she stepped out. She headed straight towards the gate though.

Cragen came out and informed the three detectives that arrangements had been made to have Kim's body be flown down to Atlanta later that week. Amanda had of course objected, saying they needed to keep her body there to do more extensive tests. Cragen had been stern though, the body would fly down Friday and he also suggested she would ride along. Again Amanda objected. They couldn't have a funeral before this case was closed and there was no way she'd be stuck in hillbilly land when the killer had been here in New York. Cragen had stuck to his decision to have the body flown down but given Amanda permission to keep working until the funeral service would take place. He didn't tell the other detectives the last thing he'd requested though, that she would go see the department therapist. She had, with obvious reluctance, taken the number he'd written down on a post-it. He figured he would have to make sure she called and made an appointment though.

As Fin had suspected Amanda had headed downstairs to the morgue. He let her be but by the end of shift he made sure she left. She agreed to a beer at a place near her apartment. They drank in silence but Fin was satisfied with just her company. He walked her to her door once they were done and again he offered to come upstairs with her. Again though she turned him down saying she was heading straight to bed. She was wiped.

**The next day**, Thursday, he walked in to find her desk empty. A little later he would find out from Cragen that she was down at the 6th precinct causing a bit of havoc. Detective Radnor had called. Cragen was heading over there to collect her. Fin offered to tag along but Cragen turned him down saying he wanted the chance to talk to her alone.

Fin didn't catch her until later that day when he came back in from house calls to some witness in their current case. She seemed collected but the bite in her tone as he tried to make sure told him she was struggling. She disappeared later when he went off to get some coffee and to his surprise he didn't find her down in the morgue. They had to work late to pick up speed on their case, Amanda's situation had set them back a bit but no one complained. He didn't have time to go by her place even though he wanted to since she wasn't picking up her phone. He had to give her space he figured. Surely she wasn't up to something stupid.

**On Friday** she was even more on edge. Again Fin gave her space though. He knew Kim's body was being transferred to the airport and that Amanda would ride along to the gate. Cragen was going with her. Fin wanted to but had to settle with that at least their captain was there. When they came back Amanda looked flustered. Fin could tell she'd been crying. Cragen was looking a bit grim.

He called them into his office to get a briefing on the case, he told Amanda to join too even though she'd lost a bit of track on the case. He was hoping he could get her mind on something else. Separating from her sister at the airport had been hard. He knew that when his little soldier of detective couldn't keep her tears from flowing in front of him that she was rather run down. Not that he blamed her. Her sister had died. He would be worried if she didn't cry. But now that they were back and since Amanda insisted on working he figured it was good to get her involved.

Amanda stayed quiet by Fin's side though as Liv debriefed them on where they were at. The victim was heard and out of hospital, they had witness statements and the victim's family testified to her ex-boyfriends temperamental side. Now all they needed was to get their hands on ex-boyfriend who was their suspect. And just then Nick's phone buzzed. Their suspect had been spotted coming back to his apartment finally. Cragen ordered all four of them out. Liv and Nick took one car and Fin drove the following car with Amanda by his side. He didn't ask if she was up for this since he knew she would say yes even if she wasn't.

Thankfully the arrest went easy. He gave up without much struggle and Liv and Nick brought him in. Fin and Amanda had mostly been bystanders the entire time and then they stayed outside as the other two detectives questioned the suspect. He gave up rather easily and Liv had him writing down his confession thirty minutes later. Once they'd loaded him off to the holding cell Cragen told them all they'd done a good job and wanted them to go home early and enjoy their weekend off. No one protested, not even Amanda. Everyone looked rather satisfied for this week to come to a close. Once their captain had retreated back to his office Liv suggested they all headed out for a bite to eat. Of course with the intention to make sure Amanda was fed and taken care off. Nick and Fin was quick to support the idea. When they all turned their heads towards Amanda she looked skeptical though.

"Oh common," Fin urged a little hoping he could push her over.

"I just really need to make sure my sister arrived back home and I promised to call my mother and…" Amanda trailed off. No one could really argue with her plans. She had already started to pull herself towards the gate as well. Fin looked miserable and she just felt like she had to get out of there. Nick and Liv looked at her with such pity in their eyes she felt like she could implode any second. She didn't want pity or cause misery to anyone. She didn't feel like eating. Or talking which she just knew was Liv's intent. It was just better if she went home even if there was no call to her mother arranged. The loneliness of her apartment was something she actually longed for right now.

"I see you Monday," she whispered as she turned and walked away. They all followed her with their eyes until she disappeared down the hall. Liv sighed loudly and turned to her fellow detectives.

"Okay it's just us then. Common let's get that bite anyway. We earned it after this week," Liv said and tried to cheer both herself and the others up. Nick nodded and after just a little nudge from Liv Fin gave a nod too.

"Great," Liv smiled. "I'm picking the place though," she added as she grabbed her phone of her desk and took the lead out.

* * *

_But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed_. (Romans 2:5)

* * *

Fin liked his job but he enjoyed time off too. Hanging with his mates, go out for a beer or just stay in and play videogames. Perhaps catch up with Ken, let him cook as he caught up on what was going on in his life. This weekend though he'd longed for Monday to come. He'd failed to get a hold of Amanda but she'd texted him back Saturday that she was out for a run and doing good. No answer or text on Sunday though and he got in a few minutes before shift even on Monday just so he would get to see her sooner.

He found neither Amanda nor Liv at their desks though. Nick had his phone to his ear but gave him a face that told Fin something was up. He put the phone down momentarily and turned to Fin.

"You're needed down the hall mate," Nick said with a somewhat somber voice. "Seems your partner didn't stay home this weekend."

Fin hurried down the hall and by the number of officers outside he knew which room to head towards. He tried to get a peek through the window but there were too many heads blocking his view. He could see papers on the walls though, something that was definitely out of the ordinary. He heard Amanda's worked up voice as he reached the door frame. Two uniforms hustled to get out of the way so he could enter. What struck his eyes when he stepped into that interrogation room made his jaw drop and his eyes got big as plates as he tried to take it all in.

Every single wall, even some on the window, was draped with transcripts, crime scene photos, missing posters and mug shots. His eyes finally landed back on Amanda as he realized she'd kept rambling something about missing women and torture and decapitations. She was addressing Cragen who was standing a few feet away from her. Liv was by one wall, looking as shocked as Fin looked right about now. Amanda quiet down when her eyes landed on Fin. For a moment Fin got flash backs to that Showtime show everyone was talking about all the time. He'd never gotten into it but he'd seen bits of it and in this one episode the main character, a young woman with some resemblance to his partner, had plastered an entire wall with what she felt was evidence and it looked a little like what he was staring at right about now. That character was a bit psychotic though. Her methods way out there. This was out there for sure. This was even worse he was able to think before he locked eyes with his partner.

She searched his face. Searched for understanding. Since neither Cragen nor Liv, or Nick, seemed to see the similarities she was hoping he would. Her trusting partner. But he looked baffled. He was stunned. He didn't see it and her entire body slumped in an instance. If he didn't, no one would. Cragen had registered that Fin had walked in and that he was the reason Amanda had finally quiet down. Cragen took the opportunity to shut this down.

"I hear you. I'll look into it but right now Amanda you need to go home," Cragen left no room for discussion but Amanda still made an attempt to say something. But he shut her down before she could do so.

"No Amanda. Fin will take you home and you'll stay there you hear?" Cragen looked back at Fin to make sure he was on board. Fin was still stunned but managed to take a few steps closer to them. He got a little hesitant as his eyes again were captured by the insane paperwork covering the walls of this usually so plain room.

"Common partner," he then said calmly and reached out for her. She remained just still and he got a hold of her arm and pulled her forward. She had some files in her one hand that Cragen took from her once she passed him. Liv had stepped out before them and obviously shushed the uniforms out of there since they were spreading like ants. Fin exchanged a worried look with Liv as he brought his partner past her. Amanda's head hung heavy and she just walked a head as Fin guided her out of there by a hand between her shoulders. Fin had gathered himself from the initial shock and he was now busy staring back at anyone who shot them curious looks. His fierce eyes got everyone to turn their heads back away. Nick was gentleman enough though to keep the staring low key. He peaked up over his shoulder a little with the phone still to his ear.

Fin got her rather smoothly downstairs and then over to his car. She jumped in without a word and he went around and jumped in from the other side. They sat in silence for a while but then he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"What were you thinking?" he asked. She immediately shot him a look, an angry one but it mellowed a little as she realized he hadn't said it out of anger but of concern. He raised his eyebrows at her to let her know he needed an answer.

"I just…" she said and squirmed a bit. It seemed she couldn't explain herself and just sighed loudly as the words failed her. She folded her arms in front of her and slumped down reminding very much like a stubborn teen that got caught doing something she wasn't allowed to.

"What?" Fin urged but not in a harsh tone. He truly wanted to know what was going on inside that pretty head of hers.

"I did go home but then I had to go back to follow up on this lead I found Thursday…"

"What lead?" he asked and got her to turn her head towards him.

"The mayhem choker. Heard of him?" she asked. Fin had to shake his head.

"Well they think he's killed at least five women all over the city but they have like another five open killings he might be guilty off. And I'm sure there's more out there we haven't found. He buries them you see. He's called the mayhem choker cause, obviously, he chokes his victims and they've been brutally tortured the old school way. Like whips and… he uses nails and bolts and stuff. He peels their skin off but still like keeps their face intact and seems to take good care of them at the same time. He break bones, saw off body parts and…" He could tell she was getting all worked up again since her hands were gesturing, her voice rose and her eyes were darting all over the place.

"Okay, okay," he said to get her to settle back again. She looked at him with a bit of a stunned face.

"But how is this linked to your sister?" he figured it had to be in some way but he didn't see how.

"His victims are all females, blond and blue eyed," she said it in a way that made it sound like it was the most obvious and convincing evidence.

"But your sister fell out a window," he said bluntly.

"What if she was scared? She fits the profile, so does Cassie. You saw the resemblance right? This guy must be scary as hell. What if he went after Cassie, mixed her up with Kim somehow, and then Kim tried to flee."

"That's a whole lot of if's Amanda," Fin had to point out.

"I know but it's something Fin," she shot back and he saw the desperation in her eyes.

"Okay, okay," he said again to calm her down. "I hear you and I'll look at this guy and these victims. See if I see what you see okay?" She nodded eagerly, happy someone finally heard her.

"But you have to be smarter boo," Fin said and gave her a serious stare. "You're going around this the wrong way. Back there, that was crazy Amanda. No one will take you serious if you go mental like that. You have to be smarter than this. Play it cool. Plant the seed, give it some time and then keep digging. You need Cragen on your side, you need your squad if you want to work this angle." He gave her some time to think about it.

"Okay?" he asked finally and got a nod even though she seemed somewhat distant.

"I'm going to look into this choker dude, see what you got but first I'm going to take you home okay?" He got another nod and he drove out of there.  
This time he didn't ask but just followed her upstairs since he wanted to make sure her apartment didn't look like the room back in the station. She didn't protest though and just left the door open once she'd stepped inside.

"But you will look at it though?" She kept talking as they went inside. She'd been talking all the way up, making sure he took her serious and not just trying to wrap things, and her, up.

"I will," he said at the same time as he looked around her apartment. She'd disappeared inside her bedroom, still talking though and he acknowledged her every now and then by shouting out a 'yes' or a 'sure'. Her living room looked a little cluttered from when he saw it last. Not that she gave a messy impression but he had been surprised when he first saw her place at just how tidy it was. Not much of knick knacks, not much of personal stuff out on shelf or anything. Mostly just books and her laptop out.

Whenever he'd been over and after he'd helped her get stuff back into her place the throw on the couch had always been neatly folded on top but now it was ruffled on the couch. She'd obviously been sleeping there. A glass of water on the table next to an ashtray. Damn, she was smoking again he thought to himself. He thought he'd rid her of that bad habit. He spotted her home phone on the floor just underneath the couch. He headed towards the kitchen and found another sign that her head wasn't screwed on properly right now. Dishes lay in the sink and it was just not yesterday's.

On the counter stood her otherwise put away iced tea ingredients. The lid was off the jar and some had spilled on the counter. Not far from that stood multiple disposable cups of coffee. He got the fridge open and got met by a more or less empty vessel. She usually wasn't a hoarder but this was a little too much the opposite of that. He saw no take-out boxes though and it got him worried she wasn't eating enough. He couldn't even remember if they'd had lunch or anything together this past week since her sister's passing.

He walked back out and over to the bedroom. The bathroom door was open and he heard the toilet flush. He wasn't surprised she hadn't closed it, they were rather familiar with each other at this point. She wasn't the typical girl in his eyes. She was more easy-going than the girls he knew.  
He was checking the place out when she came out of the bathroom. She had her top underneath her chin as she was buttoning up her fly.

"Oh," she said when she spotted him but then just continued nagging him about him reading through her notes while she kept her top up. Since she was busy with her fly he took the opportunity to check out her stomach. She had great abs he had to give her. He couldn't tell if she was thinner than usual though. There were times when he got surprised just how tiny she was. When walking by his side she always claimed her place and she could handle her own against people who got in her face. On the other hand though he'd seen how easily she, literally, got tossed across a room when the bad guy caught her off guard. Thankfully she seemed to often land on her feet though. Getting back to her abs all he could see right now was how nice of a form she truly was in. All that running must be good for your body after all he thought to himself.

"So will you?" She caught him spacing out once she pulled her top back down.

"What?" he had to ask.

"Talk to the captain," she said rolling her eyes a little at him.

"Yeah yeah," he said brushing her off a little. "Are you smoking again?" he countered. She gave him a look, he could see her mind working but when she wasn't quick enough to come up with a lie she just sighed and headed for the door.

"I'm under a lot of pressure here Fin in case you haven't noticed. Give me a break," she said as she got out into the living room. He followed.

"Okay," he agreed. They could deal with the smoking later.

"Will you talk to him when you get back?" she asked eagerly, "I really don't want to be stuck here at home any longer than I have to. I'm going insane here."

"I'll head straight for his office. I promise," he said and meant it. He figured the captain would want to have a serious talk to him too when he got back.

"Do you need anything?" he asked but she gave him a confused look. She thought she made it obvious what she needed. She needed to be at work, working on her sister's case.

"I mean for now. You want me to do some grocery shopping or something for you?"

"God Fin, I'm not an invalid," she huffed and went to grab the ashtray. It needed to be emptied.

"You could get me smokes? I need another pack," she gave him a cheeky smile as she went into the kitchen.

"Just indulge me will you, eat something, take care of yourself, try not to smoke too much," he begged as he followed.

"Yes dad," she said ironically as she tossed the ashes in one of the empty coffee mugs. She felt a bit bad though when she turned back and saw his worried face. She still had to roll her eyes though.

"Okay, I will," she promised but added quickly; "But then you have to get me back in the squad room at the latest tomorrow." She put a finger in the air towards him.

"I promise," he said. She tossed him a smile as she headed back to the living room. She seemed chipper again which was something she hadn't been since her sister died. That in comparison to the almost manic state she'd been in not even an hour ago made him a little concerned though.

He did talk to their captain when he got back from her place. And as expected Cragen wanted to talk to him too. Fin stood up for his partner even though he wasn't a 100% sure everything was okay with her. He would always have her back though and Cragen said okay to see her the next morning.

**Tuesday morning** she came in early and headed straight to his office. She spoke first, apologized for her crazy behavior yesterday. She did her best to try and explain how it had gotten so out of hand but she followed Fin's advice and kept it in so many words. She'd just gotten a hunch and went with it. Before she knew it, it was Monday morning and she'd wallpapered the entire interrogation room. Cragen listen and he did understand. He got that the loss of her sister was a major one for her and just as many of his other detectives work got them through difficult periods of their life.

"So please sir, just let me work," she ended with. He scanned her intensely. When he saw her yesterday she'd looked run down. Close to manic. He'd feared for sanity honestly. The detective that stood in front of him today was cleaned up and proper. Well-spoken and gave a settled impression. He could still see that talking about her sister teared her eyes up but he would expect nothing else. If there was no emotion at all he'd been even more worried.

"Okay," he said and got up so he could approach her. She wasn't completely sure just what that 'okay' meant. Would he let her back to work? Was he just coming closer to soften the blow that he didn't feel she could work at this point? She swallowed nervously as he came around and leaned down on his desk right in front of her.

"I get that you..," he searched for the right word, "need to see this through. If it had been my sister I would have done the same. But… I've talked to Melinda. I've talked to Radnor, multiple times. I talked to him yesterday even. There's just not anything that points to that your sister was murdered." He tried to put it mildly to her.

"And this mayhem choker lead..," Cragen shook his head a little. "His victims are women who fit into a whole other category than your sister. Prostitutes and…" He left it at that since it had been established already Kim used drugs so mentioning drug users would serve no point. Even if Kim used drugs she didn't work the streets or any other job that put her at risk.

"But if he was after Cassie…" Amanda tried but Cragen put up his hand quickly to stop her before she got going.

"She was a waitress Amanda. She doesn't fit the pattern either."

"But drugs were at their party. You don't know if…" Amanda quiet down as she saw her captain slowly shaking his head. She realized that if she kept going he would not let her work and she had to shut up even though she had multiple questions and doubts, and even some facts that proved him wrong. But she remembered what Fin had said. She needed to play this smart so she shut up.

"When's your sister's funeral?" Cragen asked after a silent pause.

"Uhm," Amanda said and tried to gather her brain. She wasn't sure how to answer him and scrambled her brain to get him to step off the subject.  
"It's… well it's postponed. For a bit." Amanda could tell Cragen was still not satisfied with the answer though and she tried to think quickly.

"My mama's trying to locate my dad. I think it's ridiculous but she wants to give him a chance to be there." She rolled her eyes to emphasis how she felt about this. Cragen felt a bit bad and got that her family relations might be even more troublesome than he'd already imagined. And of course he didn't ask any more questions about it. Instead he told her to get back to her desk, in a gentle and fatherly voice of course. He also told her he wanted her to see the department therapist. Amanda asked if that could wait until after the funeral and Cragen felt no reason to argue with that request even though he'd preferred if she would have gone straight away.

They caught a new case later that day and the squad got working. Fin kept an extra eye on his partner over the following couple of days. He knew she was still working Radnor to keep the case open and he also knew she'd reached out to the sergeant in charge of the group that worked the Mayhem case. She kept it low key though just as Fin had suggested. When he asked her about it she did tell him what she got but just in so many words and he could tell she did try to get off the subject ever so often. He figured it might be since she wasn't getting anywhere.

He had mostly settled with that Kim's death had been just accidental but he felt unable, and unwilling, to try and convince Amanda. Unable since every time he tried she had a response, something that she felt proved him wrong. And unwilling cause he frankly didn't want her to be upset with him or think he didn't trust her. No this was something she needed to find out for herself and all he could try was and steer her that way and be there once it finally dawn on her. He both feared and longed for the day she'd just give up and with it probably break down.

But the days kept going. She took that Friday off, Fin tried to probe but didn't get an answer what she was up to. She came back Saturday morning though and looked okay. Everyone wondered when her sister's funeral would actually take place but Cragen told them it was postponed since the family was working out a few things. Cragen brought it up when talking with Amanda and again got the answer her dad was still a-wall and it had been delayed further.

She seemed okay but at the same time Fin realized she was slowly deteriorating. She just wasn't her old cheery and energetic self. He caught her yawning often and she looked tired ever so often. She came in late a few mornings and she'd slept in the bunks at least two nights that he knew off. Nick had ratted her out since he usually was the first one in. She did eat whenever they had lunch together but not with the same speed or enthusiasm that he so much appreciated before. He'd never seen a girl enjoy food as much as she did, and one that didn't seem to put on a single pound while indulging. She turned down every single suggestion of a beer after work or to grab a bite. She was usually the first one to jump on board such a suggestion so it was a bit alarming that she seemed to withdraw so completely. The few times Fin did mention it to either Cragen or Liv though they always said she would need time and that it would probably be better as soon as her sister had been put to rest. Fin was still worried though.

Liv was getting coffee one early morning and ran into Amanda getting herself a cup. They exchanged the usual morning phrases and then, as usual lately, Liv tried to probe a little to make sure Amanda was okay and that she knew Liv was there if she needed to talk. Amanda, also as usual lately, gave Liv her best smile and tried to sound convincing when she said she had a full night's sleep and everything was as good as they could be under the circumstances.  
Amanda was a bit startled as Liv grabbed her hand. Liv paid no attention to it though and had a closer look on Amanda's nails.

"Nice," she smiled at the manicure Amanda obviously had done. Liv had never seen her nails this pampered.

"Thanks. It was something my sister always said I should try some day," Amanda mumbled a bit.

"She was right. It's only good that you take care of yourself Amanda. You've done something with your hair too right?" Liv said since she'd picked up on it but with Amanda insisting on always keeping it bundled up it was hard to see just what it was but it seemed richer somehow. Amanda self-consciously stroked the back of her neck a little.

"Yeah, some fillers. Highlights," Amanda admitted a bit embarrassed. "It was something Kim wanted but never got around to do…" Amanda's voice faded out and Liv shot her a sympathetic smile.

"Good for you Amanda. I'm sure your sister is really happy you tried it for her," Liv said comforting but then didn't push it any further since she could tell Amanda felt uncomfortable talking about this. It was too soon. Liv would approach the matter at a later time she thought to herself as she watched the young detective head back to her desk.

**About a week later** Fin strolled in a few minutes too late as usual. He saw Liv and Nick hard at work at their desks. His eyes quickly travelled past them and landed on his partner's empty desk. Her absence didn't help ease the slight worry in his gut that had lingered since last night when she didn't answer her phone or his texts.

Nick spotted him as he passed behind his back.

"Hey," he said and got his attention. It was rare Fin didn't say morning to his squad when he walked in but Nick wasn't surprised as he saw where Fin's eyes had been planted. What had happen to Amanda's sister had affected them all and seeing their colleague struggle upped the tolerance level.

Fin gave Nick a nod and then Liv a second one as she looked up from her paper work. Liv closed her hands on her desk above her papers and shot Fin a sympathetic smile.

"She's here," Nick said and Fin looked back at him.

"She's sleeping in the bunks. Again." Fin looked down the hall, then back at Nick before he turned and headed down the corridor to the bunks. Nick turned his head back and looked over their desks at his partner. Liv's eyes lingered on Fin's back for a while but then she inhaled hard and met Nick's eyes. She tried to give him a smile but the concern in her gut was reflected on her face. None of them really knew what to do about their colleague that so clearly struggled to maintain herself in the wake of losing the only family member that she herself had stated meant anything to her. Liv could relate. When her mother died she'd felt as though she was completely alone in the world, which she was to an extent. Getting to know her half-brother had given her some family back even though it was of course complicated.

Fin reached the door to the bunks, took a deep breath to ready himself and then entered. His eyes found her immediately. She'd crawled together on the bunk in the corner. Her back to him, a blanket messily draped her partially. He closed the door behind him and walked up to her carefully so not to scare her in case she woke up. As he entered he could tell she was fully dressed, the thin summer jacket still on. Her shoes dropped by the side of the bunk. The soles of her white socks were dirty. Her hair was up in a messy bun. As he got closer he saw her hand hugging her own shoulder right by the rim of the blanket. It looked as though she was holding on to herself and with her legs pulled up towards her stomach it gave her a fragile look.

He remembered the first time he'd laid eyes on her. He'd seen her from a far, walking up to a crime scene by their captain's side. She'd been a looker for sure, with that blonde hair of hers and that white shirt she'd given a somewhat angelic appearance. He had not picked her for a detective at first glance. But her handshake had been steady and that accent of hers had made him smile. He couldn't remember now what he'd first thought of her as he learnt she was their new squad member. Perhaps he had doubts.

All he could remember now was that she'd proven herself quite capable very early on and it hadn't taken long before he took her presence as a given. She was easy to hang around, they shared the same humor and both liked sports. A lot of people judged her on her looks, he knew that. He'd heard it often and he often stepped in to wise whoever it was that needed wising up. Of course not when she was around though, no she could hold her own and he quite enjoyed watching her do it. Right now though she didn't look as she could hold her own. She looked so damn fragile bundled up on this bunk it broke his heart a little. He sat down carefully by her side. He said her name with a low voice hoping to bring her out of sleep slowly.

When she didn't move he carefully placed his hand on her arm right below her own hand. He tried shaking her carefully and said her name again. His subtle approach failed though as her whole body jolted awake with a quick inhale. It made him jump and he retracted his hand instinctively, like he'd hurt her. She took a few deep, strained inhales as she turned her head up towards him. Her eyes told him she had trouble orienting herself. It seemed to happen a lot lately.

"You're in the bunks," he let her know. Her eyes stayed wide open for a while but then her hand went down to cover them as she got her senses back and the light finally hurt her newly awaken eyes.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to give you such a rude awakening," he said as she put her head back down.

"Don't worry," he heard her mumbled from underneath her hands, both now rubbing her face.

"What time is it?" she asked with a yawn as she tried to get up. Her body fought her but she managed to get up on one hand at least.

"Shift just started," he said. He watched her yawn again as she tried to stretch her neck out a little. He thought he saw some glitter or something on the side of her neck and he reached out to swipe it away. She flinched though and he froze immediately.

"You just got some… something," he said and continued his movement. He got his thumb slowly working her neck to get whatever it was that colored her neck. She gave him an awkward smile when he was done. She turned her body towards him as she sat down properly and she pulled her legs up to her stomach. She rubbed her eye with her finger in a childlike way and again it struck him just how fragile she looked. She was clearly not fully awake yet and seemed embarrassed about it.

"What are you doing sleeping here again?" he asked carefully hoping the question wouldn't embarrass her even more. It looked like she had to think about it and when she couldn't come up with an answer after a few long seconds passed she gave him a shrug of her shoulders.

"Where you out last night?" he asked as he had already smelled the cigarette smoke on her. He thought he could smell a slight hint of alcohol on her breathe too but wasn't completely sure about that. She hesitated but then nodded. He couldn't lie that her acknowledge of that fact hurt him a little. He'd asked her if she wanted a beer after shift yesterday but she'd turned him down saying she was tired. Perhaps she had been he figured though and tried not to dwell on it.

"Why don't you go home, get some more sleep, I'll cover for you," he suggested but she shook her head immediately.

"No, please," she said but then bit her tongue as she heard her own desperation in her voice. He looked at her with concerned eyes.

"I can't," she started after having broken his intense gaze, "I don't want to be there alone. The silence... My thoughts wander. Please. Just give me two minutes. I'll wise up." She looked at him with pleading eyes. He put his hand down on her foot and tapped it protectively.

"You're wise enough already," he smiled and it earned him a shy smile back. "I'll give you how many minutes you need and I'll get you a coffee and meet you out there okay?" He searched her eyes and got an appreciated nod. He rubbed her leg a little as he got up and he pulled himself towards the door. He couldn't help but look back as he opened up the door. She'd put her chin down on her knees and hugged her legs. So fragile it hurt him just looking.

He knew she needed something. He just wasn't sure what it was and how he could give it to her. He kept hoping the funeral would do her good and then she'd come back and things could start to get back to normal. He put his hope to that and tried to bury the feeling that something had broken in his partner. That something was broken and that it was unfixable. He needed to believe things could get back to normal. He needed to believe that for both their sakes.

* * *

_Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need_. (Heb 4:16)

* * *

He was having no luck finding her. He used every way to try and find her but nothing for weeks now. These angels were usually not that smart. He knew they had little means in this world, they had dropped to the lowest level in the human chain. They were being used, abused and they took it out of desperation. He felt sorry for them. This angel had managed to slip through his fingers twice. He knew there was a reason for this though. His path crossed with Shay's as he was looking for his missing angel. He usually didn't save angels this close together but if God sent them his way he had to follow through on the mission given to him. He knew grabbing them from the same place was also risky. He would have to work harder, be smarter and even more careful. No mistakes this time.

Shay was such a bright light. The anger and angst he felt for his missing angel was weight up by watching Shay's angelic stature. He felt much excitement for when he could set his plan in motion with her. That made him work even harder to find his missing angel. And then his missing angel made that little mistake he knew was coming. He'd found her. She tried to hide far away from him but God's reach were grand. She should not have tried to hide from God's wrath. She had it coming.  
He'd been waiting outside in his car. Waited for a glimpse of Shay. He knew she was working tonight and sure enough soon she came walking down the street. He wanted to go in and watch her perform but he needed to restrain himself. A bit of absence from her would only do him good. He had an angel to bring back to New York and then he could tend to his newly found angel.

* * *

**Finally the day came** when Amanda was going back home to Atlanta to attend her sister's funeral. Everyone probably felt a bit relieved. They all saw the lack of energy in their squad partner and everyone somewhat hung on to the belief it would all be better once the funeral was over and done with.  
Fin offered to drive her to the airport. He knew her car was still at the shop, some carburetor failure which he'd told her for ages was coming. She needed to get rid of that truck and get a proper car now that she was rooted in the city.

And he wanted to drive her cause he would miss her. She would be gone for almost three weeks, having to deal with some stuff at her mom's where Kim stayed most of the time up until her death.

She said she'd already booked a cab though and she was leaving way early. He would have preferred to send her off at the airport but he didn't push it. She seemed so vulnerable even that little thing he feared could set her off. She did however agree to get a beer with him when their shift was over. Liv and Nick had been off somewhere and even though he knew they would want him to extend the invite for a beer to them too he preferred to get her alone for just a while before she took off for all those weeks. Fin tried to keep the conversation up but he struggled since Amanda seemed to space out ever so often. He didn't blame her. He knew she wasn't looking forward to the funeral and then on top of that having to deal with her mom, and dad. She'd never mentioned her dad ever so he was very curious about the man. He'd ask her once she got back her figured.

He tried to get her to stay for a second beer but she said she needed to pack, she hadn't gotten around to do that yet. Once outside though, she was just at walking range, she seemed unwilling to say bye. Again he just figured it was linked to the funeral and her unwillingness to go back home. In hindsight things add up though and he would forever blame himself for not picking up that something was very wrong with his partner.

She startled him when she out of the blue threw her arms around his neck and then she cling on for quite some time. He was able to pat her back a little, then fully embrace her and on top of that have time to smell her hair and then get a bit of an eerie feeling in his gut. She let go just as sudden as she'd grabbed on, said a quick bye, turned quickly and walked away. She didn't turn back around once. He knew cause he watched her all the way to the corner and he even stood planted a while longer after she'd disappeared behind it. He blamed the eerie feeling he'd gotten on the emotions having her so close evoked in him. He tried to think about just how nice it had felt to hug her and how they should do that more often as he finally turned around to head back to his car.

* * *

_I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word. I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees. Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law_. (Psalm 119:25-29)

* * *

**Over the next few weeks** he talked to her a few times. He sent a text the day before the funeral and then the day after telling her he would call in a couple of days. He had some trouble reaching her at first but then finally she picked up. She sounded okay. She said she was okay. He tried to probe just to make sure and he really thought she was doing okay. He could have called every day but he didn't want her to think he was needy or that he missed her too much. He figured she would tease him if she picked up on the fact he missed her. She was easiest to get a hold of during the days so that's when he most often called.

One day they got stuck a whole hour just talking about nothing basically. It'd been a while since they'd talked that way, the way they used to talk, and he really enjoyed it. Liv noted him coming in looking all smiley and asked if he had a happy meal for lunch. He sent her a wink and just let her know Amanda was doing good. Cragen, Liv and Nick had kept tabs on her, asking him every other day if he'd talked to her or not. He knew they missed her too and didn't mind sharing something that made them relieved to hear. They all wanted their colleague back and sitting behind her desk. And it wasn't long now until she'd be back.

He had trouble reaching her that weekend but knew she was only a few days away from coming home now. He finally got a text Monday but it was a kind of disappointing text. She asked him to ask their captain if it was okay if she took another few days and would arrive back next Monday instead. He felt a bit bitter about this news of her postponing her homecoming but of course he texted her back he would do it. Cragen of course asked if something was wrong but Fin fed him a line that she was still settling some of her sister's business. Amanda hadn't really given him a reason to why she had to stay put. Cragen gave the go ahead and Fin texted her back everything was taken care off. He wrote her and asked for her flight number so he could come get her but she wrote back the next day that she hadn't booked one yet. And then nothing.

He tried calling her and texting her. Her voicemail was filled so it was impossible to leave any more messages and he just got that eerie feeling again. He tried to calm himself and did it by checking for which planes were arriving from Atlanta this weekend. It seemed JFK served most direct flights from Atlanta but since he had no idea when she would arrive it felt stupid just driving out there. He did drive by her place though. It was dark Saturday night when he drove by. On Sunday it was still rather light out but it seemed her windows were still. He tried calling her Sunday but got the message that her number was not in use. It was a bit suspicious but he figured it might just be she was on the flight and had to turn her phone off. When he tried again at midnight it was still disconnected though and he fell asleep feeling anything but calm.

He still felt hopeful to see her Monday morning and again came in early. Nick was at his desk but no sign of Amanda. Nick gave him a look that told Fin he knew who Fin had been hoping to see. Liv stepped in a little later and she too looked a little disappointed when Amanda wasn't back. Cragen had to be at a meeting downtown but he'd put a small bouquet of flowers on Amanda's desk with a card that read 'we missed you'. A really sweet gesture. After an hour though Fin got tired of staring at those flowers.

They were rather busy at the moment but Fin still managed to slip away, he couldn't concentrate anyway. He drove over to her place and went up to knock on her door. No answer. He heard nothing as he put his ear to the door. He tried calling her home phone but heard nothing from inside. Perhaps it was uncharged. Disappointed he went back to the station. He saw their captain in his office, it looked as though he'd just gotten back since he was sorting his inbox on his desk. Fin sneaked back to his desk, hoping he wouldn't see that he'd been out.

"Nothing?" Liv asked though having known where he'd been up to. Fin shook his head with a grim looking face.

"Tutuola," Cragen almost screamed the moment later.

"Liv," he added and Fin and Liv gave each other a look. Fin took lead, closely followed by Liv, and Nick came along too just knowing something was up. Their captain rarely screamed. They had figured he would be angry judging by his voice but he looked more stunned once they saw him and pale as a sheet. He was holding on to a brown flat package in one hand and a piece of paper in his other.

"What's this?" he asked and gestured with the pieces in his hands to something in front of him on the desk. Fin and Liv had to step forward to see what it was though. Their eyes fell on a phone and an upside down laying badge. Fin didn't have to see the badge number to know what it was though. It was her badge. Amanda's. She'd turned in her badge. This could not be good.


	4. Seeking pt 1

**Sorry for the long wait. I blame Christmas ;) Hope you had a great one btw & happy new years!  
Okay I'm trusting you, my reviewers, that you don't mind the long and sometimes very detailed chapters. I just can't seem to control myself. Now onwards...**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Seeking pt 1**

* * *

_He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away_." (Revelation 21:4)

* * *

He squeezed the wheel of the rental car he'd gotten at the airport. He felt rage when he laid eyes on her. How dare she think that she could hide from him? Didn't she know he was sent by God? God saw everyone, everywhere. You could not hide from the almighty. Nor from his wrath. This human form would have to suffer greatly before she could transform into an angel. When he thought of this his anger subsided a little and he grinned. He was looking forward to this. He thought of every way he could get her to surrender. Perhaps he should chop those gorgeous but flirtatious hands of hers off? Pierce her skin with thick nails. Grind her skin raw. He felt his excitement rise to a point he got out of breath.  
"Calm down. Settle," he whispered to himself and heard his mother's voice inside his head. Her voice always had a calming effect on him and he was so lucky to still be able to hear it.  
He set the car in motion as he saw her exit the store again and continued her walk down the street. Her blond hair glisten in the sun and even though she had her head turned away from him he could feel those blue eyes of hers piercing through her head and into his soul. No she could not hide from him. He would find her wherever she went. When he picked them there was no way he'd let them go. And he knew deep down she didn't want to get away. She wanted to be saved. Her soul screamed for salvation.  
He already knew where she was staying and as they got closer he drove ahead so he could park before she got there. He wanted to see her face. He put his sunglasses on so he would get a chance to look at her. Those eyes of these lost souls could blind you. He had to be careful. He smiled once he saw her come around the corner and he could look at her. She kept her head up, seemed to be gazing towards the heaven she longed to revisit. She was oh so beautiful but he would make her even more so. When he was done she would have asked for mercy, she would have surrendered to God and her light would burn even more brightly through her entire skin.  
As she entered her building a man excited and he saw her flirtatious smile at him and again he felt anger in his gut. Why did she have to keep up with her deceiving ways? That poor soul. He needed to save her soon. He started to silently chant to calm himself down. He chanted a part of the Proverbs that he loved because of the deep meaning they held. It was astonished to him just how many truths the Bible held. If mankind could just know what he knew from the Bible the world would be a better place. He stared up at her window as he chanted.

* * *

"_Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of Death_." (Proverbs 7:24-27)

* * *

Once the initial shock had subsided Cragen read from the paper he had in his hand. It was Amanda's resignation letter. On top of it there was a post-it attached and Cragen read it next.

"I'm sorry. The loss of my sister is too grand. I need to stay in Atlanta. I'm sorry to do it this way. You've all been great. I'll miss you, Amanda," Cragen looked around the room at every single pair of eyes that stared back at him. No one said anything for quite some time but then Fin suddenly broke the silence.

"I don't buy it," he said. All eyes turned to him.  
"She's covering for something," he continued.  
"She's gone after her sister's killer?" Liv said quietly and Fin nodded.  
"I'm sure of it," Fin said and looked back at their captain. Cragen turned the envelope and looked at the post stamp.  
"It's stamped in Georgia," he let them know.  
"She could easily make that happen," Fin said shaking his head.  
"Or she's traced the killer to Atlanta?" Liv said as they all knew Jeff was still a suspect in Amanda's eyes even if he'd been arrested in Atlanta a few days prior to her sister fell to her death. The mayhem choker trail had always seemed sketchy.  
"You two," Cragen said and nodded towards Fin and Liv, "go by her place. Make sure she's not there." Fin and Liv were quickly out of there. Cragen asked Nick to check if he could trace her phone and then look into any card activity and find out what flight she had been on. Nick got right on it. Cragen took a few deep breaths ones he was alone in his office again. He was very worried about his youngest detective. Once he got his emotions in check he grabbed the phone to make a few calls himself.

For the second time that day Fin knocked on Amanda's door. There was still no answer. This time though he kept knocking and more violently. Just as Liv was about to tell him he had to calm down they heard someone on the other side of the door. They both waited impatiently as the chain was taken off and then the lock twisted. Fin had been so dead set that he would see Amanda once the door opened he was quite taken a back when a young man that had obviously been bluntly awaken stood in front of them.

"What the hell…" he groaned as he rubbed his head, making the ruffle in his hair even worse. Liv found herself rather quickly and got her badge up.  
"NYPD," she said, "We're looking for Amanda Rollins?" The man wasn't impressed by the badge and kept looking at them angrily.  
"Well I'm obviously not her," he said as he scratched himself in the groin. Liv overlooked it since they needed to find Amanda at this point and a scrawny looking tween would not stand in the way of that.  
"And she's not inside this apartment with you sir?" Liv asked. The man gave her a dense look but then shook his head once.

"Amanda Rollins was the occupant of this apartment no less than a few weeks ago," Liv informed him. The man looked a little less angry but still a bit miffed.  
"Well I moved in two weeks ago, my name's on the lease now," he informed them.  
"Two weeks?" Fin asked stunned, still having a hard time taking all that was happening in. This meant it wasn't a spur of the moment thing, she had planned this. And she'd known this when the two of them were still talking.  
"I guess," the young man just replied.

"Look, I've worked all night. I have to work tonight too so I need to head back to bed," he complained.  
"Wait," Liv said and used her hand to stop him from closing the door.  
"She's our friend okay? She didn't show up for work. We need to find her," Liv tried the soft approach. The man's face soften just a little.  
"Well I don't think I can help you. I never met her. She'd left a few things in here," the man gestured inside.  
"What things?" Liv asked eagerly.  
"Well just a couple of furniture. I put them to use. I'm grateful. But also this box…" he let the door be open as he took a couple of steps inside. Fin took the opportunity to look inside a little. It didn't look like Amanda's place any longer. Her painting of that farm and windmill was gone and replaced by a Slipknot poster. The kid came back with a shoebox in his hand.

"I guess she forgot it. I've been meaning to give it to the super but I haven't gotten around to do it," he said as he handed it to Fin who'd put his hands out like he wanted it. He opened up the lid and both his and Liv's eyes went directly into it.  
"I think she would miss it, I mean it's her past and all," the man said as Liv picked up an old photograph that clearly was off Amanda and her sister as kids. Liv recognized them both. Amanda looking a bit grumpy but still showing off a gap in her teeth and Kim smiling with her hands wrapped around her sister's waist like she tried to keep her from running. It made Liv smile but the next second it made her feel lousy. Why would Amanda leave this box behind? She doubted Amanda had just forgotten to take it with her, she must had left it behind on purpose. And Liv feared leaving it behind meant she had no plans to come back from whatever mission she was on.

Fin quickly looked through many layers of his partner's past. He only recognized Amanda in the photos but figured the rest had to be her family and closed ones. Amanda's headshot from the police academy, her with a softball mitt, many of her and her sister. Fin met Liv's worried eyes. They thanked the young man and hurried out of there. Next stop was the super and then back to the station.

Cragen met them as they came back in.  
"What you got?" he asked immediately. Liv started to speak since Fin had been more or less completely silent after they'd left Amanda's place. The visit had just left them with even more questions than when they got there.

"She let her lease up three weeks ago. The super had not much to give us, no forwarding address, no hint to where she was going. He was a bit shocked to see her go. She'd been a model occupant, no complaints ever and always friendly. She however threatened him to get out of the lease early. She'd seemed almost desperate to him but since she was a cop he didn't think much more off it. And he didn't argue. He helped her get rid of some of her furniture. Seems she sold it all off." Liv finally took a breath. Nick had joined them.

"Her card was used in Atlanta a few times. The final withdrawal was July 1st though, more than two weeks ago and then nothing after that. Still waiting to get the trace on her phone back. Her name is not on any flight records that day we talked about. I however found a purchase of a bus ticket May 30th," Nick looked up from his note pad to see what the others thought of this information.  
"That's weird. Not that she's been back to Atlanta often but I would expect she would fly and not take the bus. I'm sure she said the airport," Fin's voice tuned out. He felt bad when thinking that his partner might have lied to him. That she'd deceived him. She rarely gave him hugs, he should have known something was up. He got pulled from his thoughts when Liv touched his arm gently. He met her eyes and then the others.

"So I was saying," Cragen said, "I talked to her old captain and he haven't spoken with her since the week after Kim's death. He got word and called to send his condolences. After that nothing. But…" Cragen let it hang in the air a bit.  
"The funeral was May 14th. It was never postponed. No one tried to get a hold of the father since he's been dead for quite some time. That was a complete lie."

If possible they all looked even more stunned. Everything that kept unfolding was close to remarkable.  
"You saw her the day before she left right?" Cragen asked Fin and he nodded.  
"We took a beer after work May 29th, I offered her a ride to the airport in the morning but she said she had it covered."

"And you talk to her last?" Cragen asked. Liv had already asked him all of this during their drive over to Amanda's place so he had the information fresh in mind.  
"A week ago. Then a text on Wednesday. When I tried calling Thursday her phone was off and it has been ever since."  
"I found out she sold her car," Cragen informed them and gave Fin a gloomy look. Cragen took a few seconds to think it all over.  
"Well we haven't gotten the intel on her phone activity yet but I think we need to go down there," Cragen said and in unison the three detectives said "I'll go." Cragen held up his hands to settle them all down.  
"Okay, you can all go. Just bring her back."

**Only hours later** they were all on a flight going down to Atlanta, Georgia. They would get there rather late but Cragen had called up Sam, Amanda's old captain, and he would aid them so they could start investigating straight away. First stop would be Amanda's mother, the only relative they knew she had any sort of contact with now that they learnt her father was dead.

Before they stepped on board the aircraft they learnt however that at least her phone had been in New York when it got turned off four days ago. Cragen feared he perhaps had been a bit drastic when sending all three of his remaining detectives to Atlanta. What if she was here in New York and in need of help? Cragen would just never forgive himself. He'd told his detectives that he would not turn in Amanda's resignation just yet. He wasn't ready to give up on her just yet and he wanted them to tell her that she still had her position left if she wanted it. They all promised to let her know.

Fin had brought Amanda's shoebox with photos and memorabilia. They hadn't had time to process it yet and Fin didn't want to leave it behind. They used the flight to go through it. All of them felt a bit like they were lurking through her past. Something they didn't have the right to do. But it also earned them a few laughs as many of the photos of Amanda and her sister put smiles on their faces. It seemed Kim loved to have her picture taken but Amanda not so much. There were numerous photos of Amanda half way out of the photo and some with Kim or someone else holding on to her to get her to stay. They were two cute sisters for sure. As blond as could be, piercing blue eyes, button noses, fair skin with a bit of sunburn to it. And they got a little more intel on their missing squad member.

They all knew she'd played softball, she was their star player at last summer's yearly NYPD softball tournament. It looked though as she'd excelled in more than softball as a child. There was photo of her at the top of a winners' stand, in a swimsuit and with a trophy in her hand. Atlanta region swimming championship was seen on a banner behind her and the other two girls on the stand. The year was just outside the frame but Fin guessed she was no more than ten years old. There were other photos with her and various diplomas and scholarships. Shaking hands with neatly dressed men and women, Amanda always looking a little odd out in her plain outfits. She didn't look bad clothes-wise but it was quite obvious she didn't have the richest parents.

She was cleaned up in those award photos but on the others it wasn't uncommon to see some dirt on her and with clothes that looked either a little too big or a little too small and or with rips and holes in them. Her sister was her younger copy. Their hair often in a bit of a tangle and just looking a little bewildered. Liv's heart ached a little as she saw the two sisters together. She'd worked enough years now that she could just tell those little ones didn't have it easy and thinking of the fact Kim now was dead made Liv's eyes get all teary. Fin was busy staring at the rest of the items in the box but Nick caught his partner's distress and stroked her arm a little. Just enough to comfort but still not too obtrusive. Liv appreciated it and put the photo down with the rest of the two sisters. They tried to sort them up in piles to get a better view and if they could get any clues to what was going on. So far the pile with the two sisters was tallest. Amanda from her teen and up had a few in its pile and another pile had Amanda with unfamiliar faces.

Fin was going through the loose bits in the box that wasn't paper or photos. There were a few post cards from her sister. He put them in order from the date on the post stamp. One of the earliest was from Nashville and addressed to Amanda in Atlanta. It read; "_You wold (heart) it here Mand. I'm becoming honky tonk girl, might move here. Fried chicken's to die for and music is awesom. Don't miss u but hope u miss me a littel. Love, Kim_"

There was another one from Myrtle Beach about a year later and then followed Fort Lauderdale, St Augustine, Knoxville, a place in Louisiana and lastly Juarez, Mexico. All were addressed to Amanda in Atlanta and had a line or two about how good of a time her sister had in whatever place she was in. On the one from Knoxville and Mexico there was a '_I'm sorry_' written at the very bottom but no explanation to why or what she was sorry for.

Since Amanda moved to New York she'd gotten three post cards, or three that she'd kept at least. First one was from Tallahassee and it read; "_I bailed. Mama is crazier than ever sinse u left. I hate u_ (a smile added next to it and Fin read it as perhaps it was ironically written). _If u talk to her don't tell her where I am. Pls. Love u hate u, Kim_"  
The second one was from Pittsburgh and it read; "_I hate it here but I'm doing better. Thnk u. Love u, Kim_" It was post stamped in August last year. Fin tried to think back. His partner had been in a slump a few weeks there during the fall but Fin wasn't sure if it was August or not. Damn it, why didn't he pay more attention to his partner, he cursed himself silently.

The third, and last, one was from late March and from Reno just as Amanda had told detective Radnor. It didn't say anything about Kim having fun and losing money though as he remembered her telling him. It simply read; "_Maybe I'll put all my money on redd_." It wasn't signed but Fin could tell from the penmanship that it was Kim who'd sent it. He didn't get what it meant though or why Amanda had lied about what the postcard said. He looked it at a while longer but then put it in the pile with the rest and went on to the smaller objects that were in the box too.

There was a tiny medal from another swimming championship and another one that had a softball on it and read MVP 1998. He found badges from two different camps, a few ticket stumps to different fairs and a circus and then a perhaps unused handwritten coupon for a kiss and a hug that was signed with her sister's name in straggly letters. Fin handed the coupon to Liv and it earned a long 'ahh' from her. Fin went through a few other small nit bits, a marble, a candy wrapper, a bus ticket to Pensacola, Florida and one to Jacksonville, Florida. He found a drink stick with a spade at the top, a coaster from some bar in Atlanta, a casino chip with the label mostly scraped off and a small charm in the form of a horse shoe. He couldn't help but link these last small items with Kim's card from Reno and thought there might be a gambler in the family.

Nick's job had been to go through the bigger pieces of papers that were in the box as well. He found mostly grade reports, all excellent he had to reflect on. But he also found what looked to be a copy of a check-in form to a youth rehab facility. Kim was the patient, Amanda had signed the form at the bottom. Judging by the date on it Amanda was barely legal but it seemed she must be the guardian if they allowed her to sign it. He found two slips from county jail, bailing out her sister apparently. Judging by the sum the crimes wasn't too bad though. Still, again judging by the dates Amanda was a cop by now which must have made that a bit awkward for her.

Right before they landed Nick had gone up to use the toilet and Liv took the opportunity to check in on Fin.  
"How are you doing with all this Fin?" she asked and looked over at him. He was done with the shoebox and was going through one of the piles with photos. He didn't look at her but Liv caught the crease between his eyes. He shrugged his shoulders a little.  
"Still kinda stunned?" she tried knowing that was how she felt.  
"Yeah," Fin sighed as he held up another photo. Liv looked at it too. Amanda had her fist up towards the camera, it looked like perhaps she was trying to give whoever was taking the photo the finger. You couldn't really tell cause there was a man in the photo too and he covered part of her hand. Amanda was probably around ten and the man at an age that could make him her father.

"You think it's her dad?" Liv asked but again Fin just shrugged his shoulders again.  
"Did you know he was dead?" she asked and Fin shook his head.  
"Me neither," Liv said and hoped Fin wouldn't feel guilty for not knowing since she didn't either.  
"I'm trying to go back, ransack my brain, remember what little she's told me," he confessed silently. "She's just not big on sharing. She's mentioned her mom a few times, I got that their relationship were... strained. And after having met Kim I mean..." Fin left it hanging as he figured Liv would know what he meant.

"She did mention him once, I think he took her fishing. Like deep water fishing," Fin lit up as he remembered and he looked over at Liv. Liv smiled back.  
"There was this victim that had these hooks on his body. She recognized them as these hooks used for a certain fish. I can't remember which one but I asked her how she knew later on and that's when she told me. She told me she hooked a fish that she needed help to wheel in. Her dad had grabbed on to her."  
"That's sweet," Liv said with a smile but it faded as soon as she saw Fin's face drop.  
"I commented on it and then she closed up quickly. I should've known," Fin sighed. Right then Nick came back and Fin cleared his throat as he put the photo down. Liv shot Nick a quick smile. She wanted to keep talking and try and convey Fin this wasn't his fault but she knew the moment was gone. She did however squeeze his arm a little before she helped him put everything back in the shoebox. Fin kept the box on his lap as the airplane descended towards Atlanta.

**Not even three hours** after getting on the non-stop flight in New York they'd been lucky enough to get on did they step off it again on Atlanta soil. They all had only a small carry-on each seeing how they'd left in a hurry and had only things in their lockers to pack and had to buy the few necessaries they might need when they got here. This meant they didn't have to wait for any luggage and they headed straight towards the exit. Sam was waiting for them as promised. Fin and Nick had met him briefly in New York once when he was there to visit Amanda. For Liv it was a new face though and after the men had shaken hands Sam quickly extended his hand towards her.

"Sam Reynolds" he said with a smile.  
"Nice to finally meet you Sam, detective Olivia Benson," she smiled back.  
"Yes back attcha nice to finally meet the famous detective Benson, Amanda has mentioned you," Sam said as he gestured them to come with him.  
"Oh? Not in bad terms I hope," Liv said still with a smile on her face.  
"Never. She talks very highly about you, you are a role model," Sam said over his shoulder and gave her a wink. It felt good to hear Amanda looked up to her but it also made Liv felt a bit guilty she'd never given the young detective a better chance to get to know her. It was something she had to change when she got the chance she thought to herself as they followed Sam out of the airport. Sam suddenly stopped outside though and turned to them. His face told them he had to inform them of something they might not approve off.

"Okay, so it's getting a bit late but I get you want to get a jump on this. I've set you up in a hotel in the city, nothing fancy but I'm sure it'll do. I have called Amanda's mom and she is expecting you but I was thinking that perhaps you detective Tutuola," Sam said and turned his eyes to him.  
"Please, call me Fin," Fin said though and Sam gave him a nod.  
"Fin, I was thinking maybe you could go with my officer there," Sam pointed towards another patrol car that was waiting outside for them. "There's really no nice way to say this but Amanda's mom is a straight up racist. You will find a bunch of them still around these areas."  
"Oh they're in New York too," Fin let him know to spare him the embarrassment Sam so obviously felt.  
"Yeah of course but she's a piece of work, in more than that way honestly, but you'll find out," Sam looked at Liv and Nick. "But I was thinking if you wanna get her talking its better you not being there. I won't enter with you either, I'm on her dislike list too. I'd been in contact with her long before I first met Amanada, she sued the local health centre cause she was handled by a black man at one point when she was taken in unconscious. She's really out there." Sam shook his head a little.  
"We trust you," Liv said. Sam looked grateful when he continued.  
"So we'll drive out, it's about a forty five minute drive out to Loganville but we'll use the lights to speed it up. Talk to her and then come back. Meanwhile Patric over in that car will take you into the station and you'll talk to Bryce, he's Amanda's former partner back when she worked here. He's been in contact with her. He's the one who posted that package that apparently held her badge and phone. I just learnt and don't know much else but you'll get it out of him I'm sure." Fin gave him a nod to reassure Sam that he would.

They said their byes for now and Fin headed over to the patrol car, he kept the shoebox with him since he didn't feel like giving it to Amanda's mom just yet. Perhaps not ever if she was the a-hole he started to truly realize she was. He had figured perhaps Amanda was a little harsh on her mom but Fin should have known better than to doubt his partner.

Nick let Liv have the front seat next to Sam. They chatted a bit as they drove, mostly about the city. Cragen had already filled Sam in on what little they had on Amanda's whereabouts and since Sam was worried about her too it felt good for all of them to just chat about something else for a while. Neither Liv nor Nick had ever been to Atlanta and were happy to get a bit of information about the city. Sam had lived in Atlanta his entire life so they knew he would be helpful in case Amanda was hiding in the area.  
Liv mentioned the beautiful landscape but Sam let her know they weren't even on the scenic route yet. He told them about the Stone Mountain highway that they would soon be on.

"It's a beautiful park with the Stone Mountains which has these carvings on the north side. Great tourist attraction. There's a sky ride and plenty of trails. I've been up there a few times with Amanda actually. She's an avid hiker. At least she was when she lived down here. She always went on some hike during her vacation," Sam shot Liv a smile.  
"I didn't know," Liv confessed. "Did you Nick? Know she liked to hike?"  
"Yeah actually I did. She told me once about the Appalachian mountains," Nick said and leaned forward a bit in the back seat.  
"Yeah, they run all the way from down here. Name a mountain in the area and Amanda will have climbed it," Sam smiled in the back mirror.

They soon drove past the Stone Mountains and Liv was impressed.  
"Come down here again sometime and have Amanda take you up there," Sam told them. "You can see the skyline of downtown Atlanta from up there." Everyone in the car sent a silent pray that they would get the opportunity to do so and in the presence of Amanda.

They passed Snellville a little later and then it didn't take long until they reached Loganville.  
"Welcome to Loganville," Sam said as they passed the city sign. "The city's located in Walton County, around 6 square miles and holds a little less than 11,000 people. Town motto is; Where people matters." Liv kept nodding, taking it all in. Her eyes went back and forth. She was curious at the city their squad member had grown up in. Nick had the exact same thing on his mind. He kept picturing that little girl he'd seen in the photos on every street corner they passed.

They drove through what looked like the city center and then turned in to an area that held mostly small two storage houses with equally small gardens. Sam came to a halt outside one painted light blue, a stone brick path led up to the house that had white picket fences.  
"Nice house," Liv said quietly.  
"Well don't let the picket fence fool you," Sam muttered. Liv turned to him.  
"Sorry, I just can't stand the woman," Sam apologized. Liv shot him a smile to let him know it was okay.  
"Any last advice before we enter?" she asked. Sam leaned back in his seat a little.  
"Oh I don't know," he tried to scramble his brain. "I'm really hoping she'll talk to you, and that she's sober."  
"We'll do our best," Liv said and was about to leave the car when Sam spoke again. He felt a bit bad for trash talking Amanda's mom.  
"She likes singer songwriters, leaning towards country. I know she visit's the bar whenever there's a live act on. At least a few years ago. And she hates New York, any big city really. She has a bit of a small town complex I guess. This isn't the house Amanda grew up in. This house belonged to her grandmother, her mother inherit it after she died. Amanda loved her grandmother, her mother couldn't stand that. They used to live on what's known as the wrong side of the tracks around here. Just don't make her feel unworthy in any way. If you just keep her esteem up I think you'll do well."  
"That's really helpful. Thanks," Liv said and finally opened to door.  
"I'll be out here if you need me," Sam said and Nick tapped the top of the car as an okay. He helped Liv close her door and then followed her up the path.

"So do we have a plan?" Nick asked. Liv gave him a curious look. They often just worked on intuition, didn't need to talk beforehand.  
"I'm just..," Nick tried to explain but struggled to find the right words. Liv stopped to give him time to find them.  
"I'm just afraid to screw this up. We have to find her," he managed to say and Liv gave him a nod.  
"We'll try and find out if she's seen Amanda at all. If she knows where Amanda could be if she's in Atlanta. It would probably be good to try and find out what her mom thinks of that happen to Kim. If she's buying in to the accident or if she too think someone could be behind it and if so if she has any clue who could have done it."  
"Yeah, yeah, that sounds good," Nick agreed. It felt good to get a mission to grasp on to.  
"We will find her Nick," Liv said and touched his arm gently.  
"Of course we will," he said as he took a step towards the house. They both tried to straighten up a little, both were a bit apprehensive about what they were walking into. Sam had painted this almost like the house of horrors with some wicked witch living inside. Liv got her hand up to knock on the door but turned to Nick first and made sure he was ready. He gave her a nod and then she knocked.

They'd both been a bit nervous as they stepped up on the porch but when Emily Rollins, Amanda's mother, opened the door it was hard for anyone of them to do anything else than smile. It was clear where Amanda got her looks from. The woman was obviously older but they could see many resemblances to Amanda on the woman's face. Her eyes were perhaps a little further apart but they were just as blue and intense as Amanda's. She had her mother's nose and that same curled upper lip. Same skin tone and same blond hair, though Emily's were cut shorter and the hair-do made her look a little bit older than necessary. Emily had a bit more weight on her bones which made her face a little rounder but it was no doubt this was Amanda's mother. Liv gathered herself quickly.

"Mrs Rollins, my name is Olivia Benson and this is my partner Nick Amaro, thank you so much for allowing us to talk to you and we are both so sorry for your loss," Liv said and extended her hand towards the older woman. She took it a bit hesitant but her face stayed calm.  
"Yes very sorry for your loss m'am," Nick said and held out his hand. He felt a bit of a shiver go down his back once her intense blue eyes narrowed as they pierced into him. He felt as though he was getting some x-ray exam. He seemed to pass though as he thought he saw at least a hint of a smile on the woman's face.  
"Thank you. Call me Emily. And please step inside," she turned and walked inside. Liv noticed she was wearing slippers inside so she quickly took her shoes off and Nick followed Liv's example.

"Can I offer you something to drink? You prefer hot or cold beverage?" Emily asked as she came back around to lock the door behind them. They caught her looking out the narrow window to the side of the door. She turned off the porch light and turned back to face them.  
"Cold will be fine, the climate down here is very nice," Liv smiled. She'd already thought about how to approach the woman. Be nice and civil, give her enough compliments to not make her suspicious of her plan to suck up and give her no reason to dislike them. It felt as though they were off to a good start at least.  
"How's your taste for southern iced tea?" Emily asked and walked a head into what turned out to be the kitchen.  
"I would love some. It's my first visit down here and I'm really looking forward to taking in more than your beautiful scenery," Liv thought she sounded a bit too cheesy but judging by the look she got from Emily she didn't take it that way.  
"And your partner? Do you dare try my iced tea young man?" she stopped what she was doing and looked over at him.  
"I would love to m'am," Nick said politely.  
"Emily please, you're making me feel old," Emily said and kept moving towards the fridge.  
"I'm sorry m…" Nick caught himself, "Emily." Liv shot Nick a smile, she saw him exhale and at the same time he lost some tension in his shoulders.

"So did I understand right that you work with my daughter in New York?" Emily asked as she came back from the fridge with a pitcher.  
"Yes, we work on the same squad as Amanda," Liv said as she watched Emily pour liquid in the three glasses she'd put down on the counter earlier.  
"And does this concern Amanda or Kim? The fony sheriff you so wisely left out there in his toy car wouldn't tell me." Liv and Nick's eyes met briefly but Liv quickly took a step closer to Emily to close any distance that might have occurred between them.  
"A little bit of both actually," Liv said honestly. Emily shot her a quick look and Liv got a taste of that x-ray vision Nick had felt earlier. Emily continued putting mint sprigs in the glasses and then moved the glasses over to a tray.

"Come with me," she said as she got the tray up and moved to the opposite opening in the room. Liv and Nick both hurried to keep up. The quick step was apparently something else Amanda picked up from her mother. They entered what looked to be something like a lounge area. It held a couch and two comfy looking easy chairs with a table in-between. Along one wall stood two bookshelves that held a lot more than just books. Some frames, some china, other knick-knacks. The walls were covered with a thick, pattern tapestry in a dark burgundy color. It almost felt as the room was some old cigarette room and it suited a husky old man more than the still not too old southern bell that now sat down the tray on the table and had a seat in one of the easy chairs. Liv took the chair next to her as Emily placed a drink in front of it and then Nick hurried forward to grab the glass she held out towards him.

"Thank you… Emily," Nick smiled and then had a seat on the couch. They had a taste of the drink and neither Liv nor Nick lied when they gave it praises.  
"What's the taste, I can't really figure it out," Nick said.  
"An old family recipe, you will have to kill me to get to it," Emily said. She hid behind her own glass though so they weren't sure if she smiled or not.

"So how are you holding up with the loss of your daughter Emily?" Liv tried once the room had been quiet for a while. Emily watched her a bit suspiciously and took her time before she answered.  
"I'm more curious to know why you are here. Two New York detectives down in this part of nowhere land? It must be something really important to drag you all the way out here to my humble abode."

Looks, quick feet and quick mind, Liv was able to think to herself before she answered.  
"Well it seems Amanda doesn't really want to buy into the scenario that Kim fell from that window. What do you have to say about that Emily? Is it your belief that Kim fell?" Liv tried a counter question early on to not give away too much too soon. Emily traced the rim of the glass with her finger.  
"Does my opinion matter?" Emily asked without looking up.  
"Of course it does. You're her mother," Liv said. Liv wasn't sure what state of mind Emily was in but she soon got her answer as the older woman looked up with a very stern look.  
"Well that's a change. My daughters never wanted my opinion on anything. Always ran their own ways. Kim was never such a bright child. I could tell from an early age something was wrong with that girl. Amanda on the other hand," Emily seemed to get lost in her thoughts for a while but quickly snapped out of it. "Well Amanda was on the other side of the spectrum. A little too smart for her own good. That ambition of hers, always getting in her way. A little too good for her bridges that one. You can't tell me she hasn't at least once stepped on your toes to get ahead of you detective." Emily raised her eyebrow at Liv but then turned to Nick.

"Perhaps whipped those eyelashes of hers at you to get you to do something for her?" Nick couldn't believe Amanda's own mother was suggesting this. For once he was happy he was still wearing his ring.  
"She would never, and I'm married," he pointed to his ring.  
"Oh a ring is not a noose, you telling me you are an honest man detective? Not a two timer?" It hit a string inside him seeing how he not long ago had accused his wife of cheating on him. The separation was heading towards a divorce, he couldn't deny that any longer but he hadn't managed to remove his ring just yet.  
"Like that fony sheriff out there. He's been stepping out on his wife several times. Everyone knows. I wouldn't be surprised if Amanda used that to her advantage, I could see the way he looked at her. If they were just colleagues…" Liv was thankful she let it hanging in the air and didn't say it out loud.  
"Look I have no glorified picture of myself or either of my daughters," Emily said but it didn't need to be said. Both Liv and Nick had already caught this. This was most certainly Emily's way to seem humble but she ruined the moment quickly.

"My youngest one was a bad seed. I'm actually surprised she stayed alive this long. Not that Amanda wanted to hear that."  
"You talked to Amanda about this?"  
"Oh we talked about Kim often, you see me and Amanda doesn't speak much but when we did it was most often about Kim."  
"So you know Amanda doesn't by that it was either an accident nor a suicide?" Liv had to make sure. Emily nodded.  
"When did you talk about this?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well we need to know when you talked to Amanda last honestly. She's sorta… taken a leave to go after whoever it is she thinks killed Kim. We are kinda worried she might get herself into trouble."

Emily actually chuckled dryly as she shook her head. Her grin was nothing else than smug. Liv's dislike for this woman was growing rapidly but she knew she had to bite it down.  
"Typical Amanda. Thinking she can clean up every mess Kim left behind. And on her own of course. Or did she drag you down with her this time?"  
"Really not Emily. Amanda hasn't done anything wrong. We're just worried that she's chasing a ghost here. Do you think there's any possibility that someone could have killed Kim?"  
"Oh there's always a possibility. Kim had many enemies. She could be sweat as can be but if you did something she disliked or if you had a different opinion than her you could get a taste of her true colors. The nastiness that could come out of that girl's mouth. Sometimes I even understood why Jeff used to beat her up." That one was painful to just take and Liv clinched her jaw tight. Even Nick could see. Liv had a very firm policy on domestic violence. It was never okay. And for a mother to say she understood the man that beat the crap out of her daughter, almost too much for Liv to handle.

"Do you know of anyone that was angry with her recently?"  
"Angry enough to kill her you mean?" Emily asked but Liv shrugged her shoulders a little.  
"The bums she hung around with down here does not have the energy to go up to New York to kill her, trust me. Jeff is the only one that followed her up there, or anywhere really, but I think it was more for the excitement to change scenery than for Kim. It could've been any girl, and it probably was at times. You could not get me to believe that, that man kept it in his pants for her. So if anyone killed her it must have been someone she met up there. Heck, Amanda seemed angry enough to kill her at times. But then I'm a suspect too I guess," Emily sighed.

"Did Amanda tell you if she had any suspects?"  
"She would not trust me with that information. Again, trust me."  
"When was the last time you talked to Amanda?" Emily seemed to think about it.  
"I'm not really sure. I think it was like two weeks ago. I had like five missed calls from her, I took it to be something important so I called her up. Funny enough she didn't have time to talk to me and since then, nothing."  
"Did she tell you why she didn't come to the funeral?"  
"She said she was busy, not ready to put Kim to rest yet. I didn't mind but it was a bit embarrassing to try and explain her absence to the few people who attended the funeral. A lot of people made me feel like a bad mother that day, the last thing I needed." For the very first time Emily showed any sign of a little weakness. It wasn't enough to get any real pity from either Nick or Liv though.  
"I'm sorry you had to go through that alone," Nick tried and hoped he came across as sincere. Emily shot him a quick look. He feared she would see through him but she turned back to her drink after a short while. Nick silently exhaled.

"I was wondering about the girl's father…" Liv started but as soon as she said 'father' Emily's hand came up to stop her.  
"Don't talk about that… vermin in this house. My mother would roll over in her grave," Emily said quickly without looking at Liv.  
"I'm sorry," Liv said and took a zip of her tea. This didn't feel as it went as well as she had hoped it would.

"Do you know if Amanda has been back here since the funeral?" Nick tried. Emily shot him a suspicious look.  
"Has she?" she countered back.  
"Well we have some… information that hints that way but some that's pointing another direction so we're not really sure."  
"What other direction?" Emily asked.  
"Well, that she hasn't left New York."  
"You're really clueless to her whereabouts aren't you? Are you saying my only living daughter is missing?" Nick looked anxious, he feared he'd made the situation worse by giving away too much.

"As you said, and I'm sure she has it from you, Amanda is smart. She knows we want to talk to her so she knows to stay away. She knows we would try and stop her from pursuing this. Would you want to stop her too or would you want for us to look deeper into Kim's case?" Liv tried to get Emily on board. Again Emily took some time to think it through.  
"If Kim was murdered of course I would want you to find whoever did it. I'm still not convinced though that she didn't trip because of some… trip she was on but if… and that's a big if, Amanda is right I would want you to help her out."  
"Then that's what we'll do," Liv said with a kind smile. She didn't get a smile back from Emily but at least she got a look. They all took another taste of their teas. Liv's eyes wandered around the room a bit.

"Do you mind?" Liv asked as she gestured towards a frame she saw in the bookshelf. Emily shook her head and Liv got up. She picked up the frame. It was a photo of Amanda and Kim. For once Amanda wasn't turned away from the camera or trying to get a way. She smiled, a bit awkwardly but still it was a smile, as she held an arm around her sister's shoulders. The girls were both cleaned up and wore clothes that seemed to fit them.  
"My mama took that one. I let her have them at times when I had to work out of town," Emily let Liv know. "This is her house, this room is pretty much the same as she left it. And I don't think she changed much, except maybe to put in some photos of the girls in here since my papa died. He used to sit in here and read and smoke his pipe. The stench has finally left the walls."  
"It's a really cute photo," Liv said and put it back so she could look closer on another one further down. It was of Kim as a toddler and, what Liv presumed, was the grandmother. She looked like a very sweat old lady. She was laughing in the photo and judging from the angle of where it was taken it could be Amanda behind the camera. Liv imagined it was and got a smile on her lips.

"We understand Kim still stayed here with you most of the time?" Nick asked and got a nod from Emily.  
"Does that mean she has a room here?" He got another nod and then he asked if it was possible for them to see it. Emily hesitated a bit but then finally agreed. Liv had put down the frame and spun around. This time she didn't move as quickly but seemed to drag the walk up the stairs out.

"When was she last here?" Liv asked as they were walking up the stairs. Nick looked as some old family portraits that were hanging on the wall. He thought he saw some resemblance to Amanda at times, a familiar smile, same piercing eyes, the light complexion.  
"January as a whole I think. She was gone for most of February, I think she was in New York visiting Amanda amongst travelling around a bit. She made a quick stop here a few days in March but then took off again. I think she went to Reno with a friend, something about a job. She checked in from time to time over the phone, sent a few texts. She was back for a night, sometime early April. Jeff came to pick her up, I know she stayed with him in Atlanta for a few days. She got in some trouble, crashed a car or something. She needed money… Well this is it," Emily said and pushed open a door. The door looked rugged, like it didn't belong in the otherwise somewhat decent hallway. It looked like it had multiple posters or signs on it at one point or another and there were scratches and tears around the door handle as well as the bottom of it. Both Liv and Nick also noticed that there at one point looked like there had been a deadbolt on the outside of the door.

Emily reached in and turned the light on but then stepped back out to give them room to pass. She stayed just outside the door, seemed reluctant to cross the threshold. Liv and Nick took a look around the room. It was very much Kim, even without knowing her all too well they could picture her in there. It looked like a revolting teen's room. The walls were plastered with posters. Posters with the sign for anarchy, some grunge bands either one of the detectives had ever heard off. Some posters with graffiti and in the middle of it all a poster of the Spice Girls with horns, fangs, mustaches and dicks drawn all over them. The bed was made up neatly, surely something it hadn't been once Kim stayed here. Everything was bright, full of colors and stuff cluttered the room. Lots of cd's, a few books, make-up, jewelry, clothes, stuffed animals. The curtains in the window was colorful and sparkly, she had a fabric hanging down over her bed making it look a little like something out of Aladdin. Emily caught Liv looking at it.

"She said she wanted to try something exotic," Emily sighed a little but Liv spotted the tiny smile.  
"I like it," Liv said. Nick took a look inside her closet. Things fell out when he opened the door. Nick said he was sorry and tried to sweep it all back in.  
"I guess I need to clean this all out one day, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet," Emily said.  
"Take the time you need. There's no rush," Liv let her know. She took a closer look at the mirror at her make-up table. It was cluttered around the frame with multiple photos. Kim with different friends and Liv spotted Jeff in one of the photos.

"So as far as you know Kim was with Jeff the last time she was in Atlanta?" Liv asked.  
"Yes," Emily said simply.  
"That crashed car, was it Jeff's?"  
"Then she would have called me from the hospital. No it was probably someone else's. Or it was just a lie Jeff told her to say to scam money from me. It would not have been the first time. Sometimes it was just easier to pay her to get her off your back."  
"Do you think Jeff could have anything to do with Kim's death?" Liv asked. Nick had a look underneath Kim's bed meanwhile.

"He said he didn't," Emily answered quickly.  
"You've talked to him?"  
"Yes. He was at the funeral and then crashed this place afterwards. Made me look even worse as a host."  
"What did he want?"  
"He said he had stuff here, he made a mess."  
"Did you see what he took?" Nick asked curiously. Even if Jeff wasn't the killer he wouldn't mind busting him on something. He had threatened Amanda too and Nick wouldn't mind seeing him behind bars.  
"I think it was drugs," Emily sighed, "I didn't mind getting that shit out of my house so…"

"Does Amanda have a room here too?" Liv finally asked once they'd looked around the room a little more.  
"Of course," Emily said.  
"Can we see it too?" Liv asked. Emily let them linger but then nodded.  
"It's just across the hall," she said and only had to take two steps to get to the door. She pushed it open and again let them walk inside alone.

It was like stepping from one world into a completely different universe. For once the door had been intact. The walls were white, bedcover white, even the wooden floor. No clutter as far as the eye could see. The bookshelf was filled with books from top to bottom. The make-up table was tidy, a single necklace hanging over the mirror.  
"This room I should have changed long ago. It's not like Amanda ever stays here, like she ever visits. She didn't really stay here when we lived her either, always tried to get away, I think she was planning her escape when she came out of my womb."

"How old was Amanda when you moved here?" Liv asked as she let her hand go over one row of book covers.  
"She was fourteen. Helped her through high school I guess. But then again everyone around here knew where we came from. That trailer trash stamp is hard to run away from, some people around here still don't accept me. They seem to forget I actually grew up around this part of town. Just had to trash myself down, young and foolish." Emily sighed loudly.  
"So from fourteen until…" Liv tried and hoped she would get back on track.

"Well this was her room, hers and Kim's, when they stayed here with my mama. So she probably slept her first night here when she was around three. That's when I made up with my mama. I was desperate for help so I had no other way to make it. I was mostly alone, and with two small kids. It was hard and it was hard to keep a job when your kids fell sick all the time. So from three years old she stayed here and then moved out as soon as high school was over and done with." Nick had gone over to check the closet and this time didn't expect to have things falling out on him. It didn't either. Empty clothes hangers, a back pack hanging on the wall and a deflated basketball on the top shelf. He spotted something down on one of the walls and when he got closer he noticed small drawings and words scribble. Liv caught it since there wasn't much to look at in the room and she came over to look at what her partner found interesting.

"Yeah I let her do that. I tried painting it over once but that girl's so stubborn it was better to just let her keep doing it," Emily said from the hallway. Liv squatted down next to her partner and had a closer look too. There were lots of small, very beautiful drawings on the lower wall. Mostly animals and some flowers. Softballs, bats and gloves. Nick had found something interesting and jabbed Liv in the side with his elbow as he kept his finger on the wall for her to read it. "Fuck you bitch!" it read and Liv made a face at Nick. First sign of any teen revolting they'd found in Amanda's room. When they started to actually read the doodling, sentences lingered in wavy lines and sometimes went around a drawing, they got a very gloomy picture. Most of the doodling was almost like sad poems. Like something you'd find on pages from a scared and angry teenagers diary. Nick turned around a little and found more drawings on the other side of the closet. The door went inwards and he moved it to see if he could find anything behind it.

"Liv," he whispered and she spun around on her heels immediately. Nick closed the door even further so she could see what he'd spotted. Down at the very bottom of the door, right in front of them as they were still hunched down, were marks of feet. Scuffmarks of shoes with dark soles. Almost grown up soles. Liv moved back a bit and then sat down completely. She put her back against the wall and raised her feet up a little just to try out her theory on how the marks had gotten there. She was clearly on the right track. Someone trying to keep someone else outside.  
"Kim?" Nick whispered but Liv shrugged her shoulders as she couldn't be sure. Liv took a photo of the scuffmarks, made sure the flash was off so Emily wouldn't notice. They stepped out. Emily was peeking in through the door, obviously curious to what they were up to.

"You have a talented artist there Emily," Liv smiled to easy any possible tension.  
"It's just scribbles," Emily sighed. "At least she kept it in there. God knows why she liked hiding out in there."  
"I understand you went through quite a lot with Kim as a child. Was she ever violent?" Liv tried.  
"She could be. When she got to a certain point. I tried to discipline her early on but with Kim it just had no much effect. Time-outs were useless. Better to just let her be. Restraining her was the only thing that worked when she got too reckless and violent."  
"Did she go after Amanda?" Liv asked but that earned her a suspicious look.  
"What do you mean?" Emily asked.  
"Well from my experience the parents of… well let's just call them troubled kids, usually has to endure a lot of stress and heat. Always trying their best," Liv went on a little tried to butter Emily up a bit so she would open up again.  
"And most kids turn their anger towards their siblings too, was Kim violent with Amanda?" Emily's face eased a little and Liv knew she'd succeeded.  
"Of course Amanda got in the line of fire sometimes, or actually put herself there, but no Amanda was rarely the subject for Kim's anger. They got in arguments of course but that was normal sibling bickering. They usually ganged up those two. Them against the world sort of. Used to drive me crazy at times," Emily sighed again. Liv had another few questions but then they rounded things off. It was getting really dark outside and Liv didn't want to overstay their welcome. Not that she hoped they would have to revisit Emily but it would be good to stay on her good side in case they would need her later on.

"We'll call you as soon as we know anything more about Amanda's whereabouts," Liv said once they stepped out onto the porch.  
"Well if you have the time," Emily said flippant. Liv tried to keep a straight face.  
"I'm sure she's okay," she smiled instead.  
"Of course, Amanda is probably just out trying to prove her point. Knowing her she'll do it until she's hit her head on that stone wall a few too many times and then she'll come back with a puckered face."  
"Thank you so much for that lovely iced tea Emily. It was really truly a treat," Nick cut in quickly so he would be able to keep a straight face.

They said their goodbyes and as soon as they heard the door close behind them Nick dared to throw a glance Liv's way and her face said the exact same thing he was feeling. What a bitch. Sam had not sugar coated it and they were grateful for the heads up. Sam started the car as soon as they got near. Liv took the front seat again and the look she gave Sam once she was seated made him chuckle a little.  
"I did warn you," he said as he took off.  
"That was one of the worst mothers I've ever encountered," Nick said from the backseat where he'd leaned back and relaxed to try and rinse some of Emily's bitterness off. Liv nodded in agreement.

"Yeah," Sam agreed and shot him a look through the back mirror, "really hard to see Amanda's sprung from that right?" Nick could only nod. Surely he and Amanda hadn't always agreed on things but now that he knew what she grew up with he figured he would have a little more understanding for her if they every butted heads in the future. He actually hoped dearly he would be able to but head again with her.  
"To bad mouth a dead person that also happens to be your daughter is very rare," Liv thought out loud.  
"Yeah and she's milking the death too," Sam let them know and went on to tell them about how grief-stricken she'd acted during the funeral but then at the coffee afterwards she'd calmly told him to in a less than friendly matter get the hell out of her house. Only to cry into a friend's arms a moment later and then a while later they had to separate her and Jeff in a scuffle.  
"I truly think that woman has some borderline personality or something," Sam finished with.

"Did you get anything?" he then asked.  
"Not much that can help us find her right now I guess but it was useful to get a little more depth to where she's coming from," Liv said.  
"Is the house where she grew up around here?"  
"Well it's down that way," Sam said and pointed.  
"Can we get inside it you think?"  
"That will be very hard since it got torn down the minute they vacated it. They were squatters the last two or so years. Good thing they moved too, the house was not a proper place for anyone to live in, especially not kids."

"Was there abuse in their household?" Liv asked and Sam shot her a look.  
"I… Amanda has never said anything but I wouldn't put it past Emily I guess. As a junior cop I had to transport Kim back here once, she'd run away. We picked her up after she'd shoplifted in Atlanta. She did accuse her mom of a lot of things, hitting was just one of those things. I handed her over to the local police, she could have been around fourteen I guess. One look at her record though and we sorta blew her off. Mental issues, she'd already been picked up several times having shoplifted. I want to blame that on a rookie mistake but I guess we should have followed it up further." Sam shot Liv a guilty look.  
"We've all been there," Liv reassured him.

"It's just we found these scuff marks on the inside of the closet in Amanda's room. Looked like she'd been on the floor and trying to hold someone on the outside. Would be interesting to know if she had the same in her old place."  
"Having seen photos of the neighborhood she used to live in I'd think she'd have to use her feet to hold up the walls even. You thinking her mom tried to get in?"  
"Well yeah. According to her mom Kim wasn't that violent against her sister so that just leaves the mother right?"  
"I know there was domestic abuse reported when her dad was still around. Both mom and dad have arrests for that so it was two ways. This I've heard from an old pal that worked this district before he retired. He told me social services had been involved too with the kids but I asked him to not tell me more," Sam shot Liv a quick look, "For Amanda's sake, I mean she'd tell me if she wanted me to know." Liv nodded. However they were in a different situation right now. They passed the "Welcome back to Loganville" sign.

"Do you know what happen to Amanda's dad?" Liv asked. Sam took a deep breath.  
"Yeah, he got shot. They never found the one who did it."  
"Geesh," Liv said.  
"Yes, tell me about it. And it was Amanda who found him."  
"No?" Liv said shocked and made a stunned face Sam's way. She couldn't believe how unlucky Amanda had been her entire life.

"Yeah. She's never talked to me about it but any murder around here spread kinda fast. Especially back then. He'd been kicked out, yet again, a couple of months earlier. No one had heard from him for a while. She went by, Kim was with but apparently never went inside."  
"How old was she?"  
"It must have been around the time they moved to her grandmother's house if I don't recall wrong."  
"So she lost her grandmother and father very close together. Must have been hard for her."  
"She's the tough cookie she is today for a reason," Sam said. Liv peeked at their driver a little, hiding in the dark. Sam seemed like a kind guy and Liv knew she had to ask.

"Emily hinted that you and Amanda might have been more than…" Liv hoped she wouldn't have to say it out loud. Sam caught it though and let out a loud sigh. He shook his head a little.  
"That woman," he groaned and meant Emily. "I was married but it was a rocky one and yeah I had a kind eye to Amanda but she made me bluntly aware that I was her captain and there was no way anything would happen between us. When I came up to visit earlier this year," he shot Nick a look through the mirror since they'd met back then.  
"I made a pass. She stopped me though, she didn't know I've filed for a divorce finally. But I think it was still too awkward for her, having been her captain I mean." There was a silent pause.

"Shane Hall?" Liv asked and Sam immediately shot her a look. A somewhat angry looking one.  
"What about him?" Sam asked. In the backseat Nick got curious.  
"He threaten Kim in the past right?"  
"Yeah."  
"Can we make sure he was still around here when Kim died?"  
"Yeah, we can see if he had shifts then. Most probably, he hasn't been absent without reason for a long time now."  
"Who's Shane Hall," Nick had to ask even though that would give away his partner hadn't clued him in on this.  
"Deputy chief on my precinct," Sam informed him.  
"Can I talk to him?" Liv asked and Sam shot her a nervous look.

Before the detectives left for the airport Cragen had caught Liv on her own and asked her to check up on someone. When she asked who this person was that he mention Cragen just said vaguely that it was someone who'd threaten both Amanda and Kim in the past.  
"Is this the man who assaulted Amanda?" Liv had asked and Cragen looked somewhat shocked Liv knew. He didn't have to know Amanda hadn't said much, that she'd just given away that something happen to her back in Atlanta that made the move necessary. All Liv had found out then was that it was someone she worked with. That it was her deputy chief made it if possible even worse. Someone with higher rank that probably used that to his advantage was disgraceful and it had been gnawing in Liv since she learnt. She would love to get a look at this guy and just put some fear in him so he hopefully wouldn't do it ever again to Amanda or anyone else for that matter.

"Amanda never filed charges, you know that right?" Sam asked her.  
"Yeah I know. I wish she had though," Liv said and couldn't hide the annoyance she felt about this. Even though Liv didn't know exactly what Shane had done to Amanda she knew Amanda enough to know it was something serious if it made her feel she had to leave her job over it.  
In the backseat Nick was almost getting angry since he felt left out of this. Who the hell was this Shane character and what had he done to Amanda?  
"We need to make sure he's not involved though," Liv said managing to bite down the anger that had flared for a few seconds. "And I would like to find out by talking to him myself." Sam shot her another look.  
"Don't worry, I can handle myself. Promise," Liv shot him a smile and hoped he would catch it in the dark car.  
"Oh I'm not worried," Sam smiled back.

The rest of the drive into the city Sam gave them a little more of Kim's history and how she'd given Amanda trouble at work more than just a couple of times. Just as they'd already figured out Amanda had a pattern of helping out her sister even if it meant risk to herself, her reputation and her job. Sam had stepped in a couple of times and tried to help, and even save, Amanda but it always ended more or less the same. A bullheaded Amanda had to bail her sister out on her own, like she had to carry the burden that was Kim Rollins all on her own.

Sam hesitated but then told them something that Amanda once said when she was a bit too tipsy and had her walls down. She'd said that she'd just always known that she would have to keep her baby sister safe from the cruel world they were born into. The fact that Amanda was only two years older than her sister and had been carrying such a burden for so long made them all feel gloomy and the rest of the ride was driven under silence.

Sam had gotten word that Fin had taken a drive with Bryce to check out some of Amanda's old hangouts in hopes they would spot her. They would meet up with him at the hotel once they got back and that's where Sam headed when they reached the city. They'd passed a fast food restaurant and picked up some food even though it was very late. Eating hadn't been so far up their priority list today but they knew they needed fuel to keep up their investigation tomorrow. Sam made sure they got checked in properly and then said good night after they'd decided he would pick them up at 7 am tomorrow morning. The plan tomorrow was to go through what they had so far, check out the places Amanda's card had been used, try and locate Jeff and rule out Shane Hall as a suspect.

Fin had his hotel door open and stepped out once he heard someone approaching.  
"Hey," Liv smiled once she spotted him.  
"We come bearing food," Nick said.  
"I can eat," Fin said and invited them inside his room.  
"So what did Bryce tell you?" Liv asked before they even sat down.

Fin had to admit he'd been a bit surprised when he met Amanda's old partner Bryce. She had mentioned him a few times but never in-depth. He'd still gotten the impression she liked him though and seeing how she'd trusted him with her badge, even if Fin was mad about this, also told him a lot about how she felt about him.  
The thing that surprised him most though was the fact Bryce was black. And really black, not Fin's fair skinned black. The name hadn't given him a clue, for Fin Bryce was a white man's name. But this Bryce was a tall and statuette brother. The news that Amanda's mother was a bigot had probably also colored his mind a bit even though he knew for a fact Amanda shared none of her mother's beliefs on this, and probably most everything else.

Fin had found himself quickly though as he sat down with Bryce and Bryce hadn't given him any trouble seeing how he felt bad for not pushing Amanda harder on what she was up to. He told Fin that they'd been in contact a few times over this year and a half. They'd e-mailed some and talked a few times over the phone. He'd never gotten the opportunity to come visit her in the big city though and as far as he knew she hadn't been back to visit once since she left. He didn't blame her though after what happen before she moved, Bryce told him and Fin had wondered exactly what he meant by this. He hadn't interrupted Bryce just yet though but let him talk.

He'd tried calling Amanda the moment Sam told him her sister had passed but she hadn't picked up. Bryce had been surprised she hadn't been back for her sister's funeral and tried to call again without any luck. Just five days ago though she had called him. She'd said she needed a favor and he'd said yes initially of course but then got wary as he heard what the favor consisted off. She needed for him to collect a package that she would wire to him Thursday or Friday. Inside it would be a prepaid package that she needed him to put in the mail sometime that weekend. He'd asked her if she really was okay and what was going on. She'd told him everything would be fine in a couple of days but she really, really needed his help to make sure the plan worked.

He'd straight up asked her if she was up to something stupid but she promised him she wasn't and that she needed to do this for her sister. When he asked what exactly it was she needed to do for her sister she said she couldn't tell him just yet. And when he asked her why she hadn't been back for her sister's funeral she said she wasn't ready to let go just yet. He'd tried another few questions all with the same purpose - to make sure she wasn't offing herself. She'd promised she was doing okay but she just had to unwind one last trail in her sister's death. Then she would be able to move on. She'd promised to call back this week if he only made sure that package got in the mail.

Once he received the package, it came through FedEx late Friday and he'd posted it Saturday after a lot of hesitation. Of course he had checked out the brown package that was inside the package he received. He'd seen that it was addressed to her captain in New York and it made him very anxious. He'd even called Sam up but then chickened out to tell him anything since he didn't want to betray Amanda's trust. He was still hoping she would call him even though Bryce now had learnt the package withheld her badge and phone. He promised Fin he would let him know if she called and Fin also got the e-mail address Amanda had mailed him from since she left.

After their talk they'd headed out, not before Bryce had showed Fin where Amanda's old desk had been though. Seeing where she'd been, even if it was in the past, made Fin feel a little better. There were still photos of her around the station. He saw one of Amanda up on Bryce's back with some other guys around. Bryce told him they were out on a wilderness camp, it had been loads of fun and Amanda had of course outgunned the rest of the guys on the gun track. There was another photo of her with a beer up in the air and she looked really relaxed and happy. Fin had seen her both happy and relaxed in New York but there was something different between the Amanda he'd seen almost every day for a year and a half now and the Amanda he saw in these photos. He couldn't point out what it was though or if it was just something he thought he saw because of everything that was going on right now.

They stopped by their local hang-out first. Bryce told him Amanda had been good friends with the owner of the bar, Harvey, and they talked to him just to make sure she hadn't been in to say hit. Harvey had not seen or heard from her since she left. He told Fin he missed her and showed Fin yet another photo of her that was up on a wall in the bar. Again a carefree Amanda with a smile all over her face and this time a cowboy hat hanging of the side of her head in a very cheeky way.

Next stop was her old place. She'd rented from an old lady but she hadn't seen or heard from Amanda either. Then they went by Amanda's gym and asked around. Fin had her photo with him and showed it but no one had seen her there. Fin got to see her favorite coffee hangout but no one there recognized her, the former owner had retired and the staff had never seen her before.

Since they knew Sam had just left Loganville with Fin's partners they took a ride past Jeff's place. He hadn't been seen for about two weeks now which was a bit worrying. No one opened when they knocked and since he lived on the first floor they could see through the windows that no one was home. Bryce told Fin he would be around tomorrow and help out. He too wanted to find her and make sure she was okay. Just as Bryce came to a halt with his car outside the hotel Fin remembered he'd been curious about what Bryce had meant with 'what happen before she left'.

"And he told me about that twisted fuck Shane," Fin said between bites of his burger.  
"Okay who is this Shane character and what the hell did he do to Amanda?" Nick said with a voice that clearly told them he had enough of being left out of the loop. Liv gave him a sympathetic smile but then still turned back towards Fin and asked; "What did he tell you he'd done?"

"He said that the fucker was a known drunk and sleazeball and that he'd noticed that Amanda gotten a bit withdrawn. And then he caught a... well scuffle between them and when he asked Amanda about it she'd finally told him that Shane was making passes at her. So that was the reason behind why she'd started to miss gatherings and stuff. Shane wouldn't take no for an answer but Bryce couldn't get her to tell their captain what was going on. She, of course, wanted to handle it herself. Bryce tried to have her back but then he'd finally gotten to her anyway. Bryce wasn't, and still isn't, exactly sure what happen that night but he knew it was something bad cause Amanda had been frazzled and he'd rarely seen her frazzled. And he'd seen bruises on her wrists and around her neck. He'd seen her in their captain's office and there had been a few days of not knowing what was happening. Shane was out, no one knew where he was. But then he was suddenly back at the station, acting like nothing had happen. Amanda just hadn't been able to come back to her old self or whatever and Bryce had seen the low blows Shane sent her way affected her. And a month later she suddenly transferred,"

Fin was visible angry, he'd even put his burger down completely.  
"Sam clearly knew some of what happen to her, did he tell you something?" Liv shook her head at Fin's question.  
"Or he said she never filed charges but we really didn't talk about what happen between Amanda and Shane."  
"But you knew?" Fin asked her having picked up on the absence of shock on her face while Nick's had obvious signs this was the first he heard of this.

"I knew something happen to her before she left. Something that made her feel that she had to leave. And that it was someone she worked with. It came up ever so briefly after that LaGuardia psych ward rape last year," Liv looked at Fin and he nodded as he recalled the case.  
"I tried to approach her about it later on but she... well shut me out. It was Cragen who told me to make sure her deputy chief had nothing to do with this. He apparently made threats against Kim too so he could be a suspect. Sam told me I could talk to him tomorrow."

"I wanna talk to him too," Fin said quickly. Liv shook her head though and before Fin had time to object she let him know why she felt this way.  
"You would twist his neck Fin and we don't need you too in trouble right now. Let me just talk to him. Surely he has nothing to do with this but I promise you I will put some fear in him. Trust me?" Liv asked. Fin looked iffy for a while longer but then he finally gave her a quick nod.

"Man this is getting out of control," Nick sighed though and got the other's eyes on him.  
"Do we have any idea what's going on inside her head right now? I mean..." Nick leaned back in his chair looking a bit defeated, "I had no idea about this or her mom, or her dad or what she must have gone through as a child. And I wanna believe, no I thought I knew her at least a bit. But now it's like... I don't think I know her at all. And I can't help but feel like I failed her." Both Fin and Liv knew exactly how he felt and both were a bit too stunned to talk at first. Liv tried shooting him a comforting smile.

"I'm her partner and I had no idea..." Fin said quietly and gave up on any more attempts on trying to finish the burger in front of him.  
"Hey now, common," Liv finally said. "Don't go all Debbie Downer on me now. We need to pull ourselves together and find her and then we'll go sit down by a camp fire somewhere and sing Kumbaya and truly get to know each other okay?" Liv tried to lighten the mood a little. Spiraling down right now would not help them find Amanda so she needed them to wise up for now.  
"She would hate that, let's go to the gun range instead," Fin said quietly but Liv spotted the tiny grin.  
"Yeah, gun range and then go hit some balls. She's been on the state softball team, she must surely be able to show us some moves," Nick smiled.  
"That's my team," Liv smiled. "And when we find Rollins it will be complete again."


	5. Seeking pt 2

**Ask and you shall receive :) Here's another lengthy chapter for you and I think you'll like it since you'll find out what Amanda has been up to, and if she's still alive or not ;)**  
**And you guys, thank you so much for the reviews. It makes my heart go all warm and cuddly. That however do not affect my mission to write a dark and grisly fanfiction.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Seeking pt 2**

* * *

They all managed to somehow get a few hours of sleep before it was time to head into the station. Sam had his men scavenging the city for Jeff during the night. They hadn't found him but found a couple of leads to where he could be hiding out. Apparently he'd been a bit down since Kim died, his friends all said he had been acting a little differently.

For Liv and Nick it was the first visit to Amanda's former station and the visit from New York didn't go unnoticed. Liv was usually good with names but after a while she just gave up on trying to remember the names of all the detectives and uniforms she shook hands with. It seemed Amanda had a good reputation down here. Not that she didn't have one back in New York but it was still nice to get it confirmed. Liv could imagine how important her squad family must have been for Amanda now that Liv knew where she came from. Liv could relate since she grew up with only her mother present. Going into the policy academy had literally given her a well-needed family. But while Liv grew up with a mother that isolated herself and her daughter from everyone Liv had picked up from Sam that Amanda's mother surrounded herself with plenty of replacements for the absent father. Liv feared that there were more people than her mother that Amanda needed to protect herself and her sister against while growing up. But even if this probably shaped who Amanda was today it served no much clues to Amanda's present whereabouts.

Sam brought them in to his office and after a short briefing and a quick summary of what yesterday had given them Sam suggested they had a look at some footage that had just arrived. Footage from the three locations where Amanda's card had been used. The footage from the first spot were unfortunately from far away and all they could see was a woman's shape that could be Amanda but could also be anyone about her height. The person wore a hoodie that covered the head and the jeans and sneakers didn't give much away. That it was a woman about Amanda's height was all they had, well except that it was Amanda's card used and that Amanda would give it to someone else was somewhat peculiar if it wasn't meant as a decoy.

The footage from the second spot was better but again the person wore a hoodie. It looked like they wouldn't get anything from this footage either but then the woman got stopped suddenly. It seemed she ran into someone she knew and as that person reached forward to give her a hug the hoodie fell down.  
"I'll be a monkey's uncle," Sam whispered as he got up out of his chair, shaking his head a little and then gave a big sigh.

It was obvious to the rest that the woman wasn't Amanda, she had dark hair for once so that gave whoever it was away even though she hurried to pull her hood back up after the other person let her go.  
"You know who that is?" Liv asked as Sam moved across the room as to leave.  
"Sure do," Sam said as he opened the door. He didn't leave though just leaned out and shouted out loud;  
"Someone get Kaley from the cafeteria up here asap," he was about to close the door as he thought of something and leaned out again to add; "And if she's not working today drag her ass in here. Now."

"Kaley? From the cafeteria?" Liv suggested when Sam turned back to the detectives. Sam nodded and again sighed.  
It seemed Kaley was working and only a few minutes later she was standing in Sam's office. She would probably look scared if it wasn't for the fact she was a bit starstrucked to be in the present of the NYPD detectives everyone was gossiping about. No one downstairs seemed to know why they were here and Kaley saw this as a great opportunity to get the dish. Even though whenever she got called up to Sam's office is was usually cause she'd done something inappropriate.

Before Kaley stepped in to the office Sam had let the others know that he had seen Amanda talk to Kaley a few times. Kaley had a neck to get in to trouble and Sam figured she reminded Amanda of her sister. Kaley had worked the downstairs cafeteria for about five years now but had actually started there as a volunteer when she had gotten sentenced to community service for a DUI. Not that a DUI was ever excusable but in her case she had actually _only_ managed to roll the car down the drive-way when she was playing a CD in it after her regular stereo inside had broken. She admitted to the police that happen to drive by and see her boyfriend's car stuck to the tree across the street that she had been chair dancing and accidentally hit the emergency break. She just wasn't the brightest pup in the litter Sam told them with an vague smile.

"When did you last talk to detective Amanda Rollins, Kaley?" Sam asked and Kaley managed to stop staring at the, in her eyes, very attractive detective Amaro.  
"Huh?" she asked since she hadn't heard anything of what Sam said other than her own name.  
"Detective Amanda Rollins, when did you talk to her last?"  
"Amanda?" Kaley looked confused.  
"Yes Amanda. Did you get up with her?" Sam sounded a bit irritated.  
"Yeah," Kaley said hesitant hearing the irritation on the captain's voice.  
"When Kaley?" Sam sighed.  
"Like a month ago," Kaley said after given it some thought.  
"What did she want?"  
"Oh I can't tell you," Kaley said and shook her head.  
"You can and you will Kaley. You withdrew money with her card July 1st. When did you get her card and how?"  
"Is this a test?" Kaley asked with a smile.  
"A test?" Sam repeated.  
"Is she testing me right now?" Kaley looked around the room a little as she looked for cameras or something. The detectives now started to realize Sam hadn't been joking about the pup in the litter.  
"Kaley, listen to me. This is important. I need you to tell me what Amanda asked you to do and when she send you her card," Sam said slowly but firmly.  
"But she's working a case, I can't tell anyone anything," Kaley looked as serious as she could.  
"No she's not working a case and you will tell me everything you know."  
"She's not?" Kaley asked with a confused face. Sam shook her head.  
"But then why did she tell me she did?" Kaley was still confused. Sam shot the NYPD detectives an apologetic look and then took a step closer to Kaley.  
"We'll sit down and talk it through but right now Kaley I need you to tell me what she told you. Did she call you up?" Kaley nodded.  
"A month ago? On your cellphone?" Kaley nodded twice.  
"Do you wipe your call logs?"  
"Huh?"  
"You have your phone on you?" Sam tried instead and when Kaley nodded he asked her for it. He handed it to Amaro who was closest and Kaley got a bright smile as he took her phone.  
"What did she say? And please Kaley be as precise as possible, it's really important," Sam begged.  
"Okay, okay, she called me which was really nice cause I've missed her. She said she was fine and she asked me how I was and if I was still enjoying working the cafeteria. I told her I was and I told her the latest dish around the precinct. And then I asked her about New York. Oh that's where you're from," Kaley turned her attention to the detectives.  
"Yes, focus Kaley," Sam said and pulled her attention back.  
"Okay well then she told me she had a very important assignment for me. It was really secret though. Some secret case."  
"She told you what case?"  
"No," Kaley said and shook her head like it was a stupid question.  
"And you didn't ask her what the case was about?"  
"No, it was secret right?"  
"Yeah well of course, go on."  
"Okay so she was sending me a card by snail mail and she told me to withdraw money at three different occasions. I could choose which days but not before May 31st though. But then I was about to forget, luckily I remembered after only a day though. 100 dollar each time and I could keep it. It was like my pay-check. Great deal right?"  
"Great, go on."  
"Well that was it. And it was important that I cut the card and threw it out afterwards and that I did do. I didn't mess up her case did I?"  
"No, you didn't. I wish you would have told me about this earlier though but we'll talk about that a little later," Sam sighed and turned to Nick. "You got the number?" Nick nodded. He'd found a NY number from a month ago and Liv had written it down. Nick handed the phone back to Kaley and she accepted it with a wide smile. Nick didn't think it would hurt to give her one back. Sam sent Kaley on her way and then again shot the detectives an apologetic look.  
"Sorry about that," he said.  
"Don't worry about it, at least now we know Amanda didn't make those withdrawals and we have a number to trace," Liv tried.

Amanda's former partner, Bryce, had joined them and introduced himself to Liv and Nick who he met for the first time. He towered over all of them and gave Fin a run for the most buffed person in the room but he still came across as a very gentle man. He would take Fin and Nick with him to check out some of those leads to Jeff's whereabouts but before they went out Sam told them there was someone he wanted them to meet. Sam knew of one friend Amanda had outside of the precinct and he'd reached out to her yesterday. He'd asked her to come in to the station since Amanda had been in contact with her about a week ago.

"I just saw her step into the station," Sam said and all three detectives turned their heads and noticed the brunette that an officer was taking through the squad room to an interview room. From this distance she looked very much like a suburban housewife and not someone who anyone of them would typically see as a friend of Amanda's.  
"So while you two talk to her, I was thinking we," Sam looked from Fin and Nick over to Liv, "could talk to the deputy chief. He should be upstairs now and done with the morning briefing." Liv nodded and they got going soon thereafter.

Fin took lead inside the interview room and aimed straight for the brunette with an extended hand. She got up off her chair and shook Fin's hand.  
"Claire Brown," she introduced herself with a friendly smile that didn't completely hide the fact she was nervous though.  
"Nick Amaro," Nick said next as Fin took a seat opposite Claire.  
"So how do you know Amanda?" Fin asked almost immediately not wanting to waste any time. Claire took a seat and put her handbag down by her chair. She took a deep breath as she got ready to answer Fin's question.  
"Well we went to the same grade school back in Loganville but we really didn't become friends until high school. We played on the same softball team," Claire relaxed a little as she was talking.  
"Okay, and you've talked to her recently?" Fin jumped straight to it. Claire nodded.  
"She called me last week..."  
"When exactly?" Fin interrupted.  
"Tuesday, so exactly a week ago," Claire said with a serious tone.  
"And she said what?" Fin asked quickly and Nick shot him a look. Nick got that Fin was eager to find out what she knew and of course Nick was too but there was a protocol to how to conduct an interview with a friendly witness.  
"Well..." Claire seemed to think about what to say, "you have to understand... it was what she said but also what she didn't say." Fin shook his head to let her know he wasn't following her.  
"Okay so... how do I put this nicely."  
"No need for that, she's my partner so I know how she can be," Fin let her know. Claire shot him a relieved smile.

"So she's always been a bit... difficult. I mean in grade school she was the odd one out, not bullied or anything like that. No she would not stand for that," Claire let out a chuckle as she remembered back. Nick had to smile too since he could imagine Amanda not taking crap back then either.  
"I mean I knew who her mom and dad were. My mom even said once that I could not go over to her house. Not that I was ever invited over though. And I did try to approach her even before high school but she was always in a rush or she had her little sister with her." Claire got a sad look on her face.  
"I didn't know Kim had died. I've moved to Rome, it's about 70 miles northwest of Atlanta so like almost crossways from Loganville and with two small kids and everything... well I rarely get a chance to check in with our other friends that are still back home. Amanda is the only one I actually check in with regularly. She always sends the kids cards and presents for their birthdays and Christmas. She's my oldest one's godmother. We haven't seen her since she moved to New York though. And then she missed my youngest birthday so I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. I tried to call but she didn't pick up, didn't answer e-mails." Fin gave her the mail address that Bryce had given him and Claire acknowledge it was the one she used too.  
"So when she called I got really relieved but..." Claire got quiet as she thought back.  
"What?" Fin asked eagerly.  
"Oh sorry, I'm just so worried about her and now when you are down here," Claire swept her hand anxiously over her face and stroke back some lose strands that had escaped her dark ponytail.

"She was stressed, it was easy to tell. She didn't ask about the kids or anything. She said she needed a big favor. It was big only because she knew how much I disliked her mother. That woman treated her kids like garbage, I knew it even if Amanda never told me straight up. But Amanda needed me to take down some numbers. Turned out to be a bank account." Claire put a piece of paper that she apparently had been holding in her left hand up on the table. Fin looked at the numbers and could clearly see it was in fact a bank account number.  
"She said that if anything happen to her I would give that to her mother. Of course I asked her why something could happen to her but she said it was just her job. But something was clearly up since she'd never asked me for this before and she's been a cop for ages now. She said she was in a hurry, she said she was sorry to dump this on me but I said nonsense and asked if I should tell her mom something. She said everything had been said already, that she just needed to make sure her mom was taken care off. And then I asked her about Kim. If she didn't need her to be taken care off too. I guess it was my way of trying to keep her on the line. Kim meant the world to her, always had. She went quiet for a while but then she told me Kim had died. I asked her what happen and she said there had been an accident and she'd died. I could tell she was sad about it but she wouldn't answer any more of my questions. She said she had to run. There had been like music in the background, or more like the sound music makes when it's in the walls sorta. Like when it pumps through walls. And then there was a harsh knock on a door or something and she said she had to go. She said she loved me. Again, I knew I meant loads to her but she's never said that to me. She's never been good about opening up but I'd gotten used to it. It's like you need to read her between the lines you know?" Claire looked to Fin and all he could do was nod. He knew precisely what she meant. He'd been doing it since early on but he just wished now that he'd done a better job off it.

"Please tell me nothing bad has happen to her?" Claire begged.  
"We're trying to prevent it," Nick reassured her.  
"Can I do anything? I will do anything to help," Claire said with a tremble to her voice.  
"You can call us if she reaches out again," Nick said and handed her his card. She took a closer look at it and then nodded cooperatively. She just wished there was more she could do. When she had gotten in some trouble during college Amanda had been the only one that had stood by her through it all. Amanda had been the rock through that whole problematic period in her life, never judged her only stood by and helped out when she could. Claire could honestly say she wouldn't have survived without Amanda but was left with some sense that she never repaid that back-up. She'd tried since they'd become close friends but it just always seemed Amanda could hold her own, and that any loss of pride or keeping up appearance was even more harmful than any pain her mother or any other member of her family inflicted on her.

"Was she very different after her father died?" Fin asked out of the blue and even Nick shot him a startling look. Liv had briefed him on what they'd learnt from Sam and Amanda's mother the night before and it had been with him ever since. How could he not have known her father had been murdered and that she was the one that found him? Claire looked at Fin for a while but then her eyes wandered upwards as she reminisced back.  
"I didn't know her that well before high school but I remember she was absent from school about a week. We all heard of the murder of course, everyone in Loganville knew. When she came back everyone stayed even further away for a while. I didn't know it was her that had found him until years later. I asked her about it a few times but she didn't really want to talk about it. I think her grandmothers passing hit her harder though. She died just a few months after her dad," Claire turned her eyes back down to meet Fin's.  
"She said the only reason she stayed in that house was because she felt closer to her nanna there. But after a few years I think she found a way to carry her with her instead," Claire got a sad smile over her face.

"Did her mom abuse her?" Nick asked straight out. Claire turned her head towards him slowly. She took a breath and looked down on her hands for a few seconds. When she turned her head back up it was hard to read her face. Sadness? Anger? Regret? Nick didn't know her well enough to read her.  
"She never said it out loud but there were times when she didn't take showers with the rest of us after a game you know? Times when she would wear a long sleeved sweater in the middle of blazing summer. Times when she had a stomach ache when the rest of us were going swimming. You know?" Claire asked Nick and he nodded. He remembered his mother in long sleeved shirts after a "disagreement" with his father. How she would just stay in bed for a complete day or two after one of their fights. That was wrong. Hitting your child was even more wrong and Nick felt his own nails dig into the palm of his hand.  
"Please find her," Claire begged with tears in her eyes.  
Meeting Claire made both Fin and Nick feel torn. It was nice talking to someone who knew Amanda when she was young and who actually liked and cared about her. But what she'd told them made both feel uncomfortable. The bank account was close to a will. Amanda had signed her will. She wasn't planning to come back alive from whatever she was doing and that notion was troubling of course.

* * *

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." (_Mark 11:25_)

* * *

Deputy chief Shane Hall was a man in his forties and although Liv knew her reflection of him was colored by what she knew he'd done to Amanda he appeared very smug in her eyes. Sam had carefully but firmly told her to tread lightly. Again Sam had given away something that gave Liv another piece of the puzzle as he mentioned that there was a reason he wanted her to tread lightly with Shane. It seemed the deputy chief was a powerful man in the Atlanta police department. Perhaps not him so much but rather his father, the current chief of police. Even though he surely hadn't enough power to reach NYPD Sam still asked her to protect herself. Sam couldn't know this would only spur Liv on. And she didn't hold back. Sure she played it smart, gave nothing away of her contempt of him to start with so he would give her the information she needed.

Once she'd made sure to herself that this creep in front of her didn't have anything to do with Kim's death or Amanda's disappearance she let him have it. She made sure he knew she knew that he was a son of a bitch and if she found out that he ever came near Amanda or any other woman within the police department ever again she would make his life a living hell. She could tell he got furious but it seemed also a little scared as he bit his tongue and kept in his seat. Liv had to hold herself back a little too as she felt an urge to knock the creep out. But she managed to walk out of there with her head held high and with her anger left in that room. She knew a low life like Shane Hall was probably a repeat offender but she hoped he would at least think twice before he laid a hand on anyone ever again.

**Meanwhile the APD** had managed to track Jeff down and it didn't take long until Fin had him pinned up against a brick wall in a back alley. Nick feared for a while Fin would take out his angst and anger on Kim's former boyfriend but relaxed once he realized Fin were able to contain himself and his main goal was to get Jeff talking. And boy did Jeff talk. It seemed Amanda's former squad members had done a number on him right after Kim's death to make sure he wasn't responsible. They had done this to help Amanda out after she'd reached out to one of them. Jeff said that Amanda had harassed him over the phone but he had nothing to do with Kim's death and he had not been in contact with Amanda for weeks now. He had no idea if she was back in Atlanta or not. Even though he seemed like an unlikely suspect in the case of Kim's death Fin still felt like punching his face in for the pain and suffering he'd caused the Rollins sisters over the years. Bryce interrupted though as he let Fin and Amaro know that Sam wanted them back at the station. Captain Cragen had apparently called with some important information. Fin settled with scuffing Jeff to the concrete and hoped that was the last he ever saw of Jeff the menace.  
Once they got back to the station they found out Cragen wanted them back in New York as soon as possible. He'd apparently found proof that, just as they themselves were starting to realize, Amanda was most likely still in NY. The trip to Atlanta had brought them nowhere closer to finding Amanda.

They were driven to the airport by Sam and he promised to keep working his end and Liv promised to keep him informed. Liv, Nick and Fin got their tickets, checked in and made their way through the security check. They had an entire hour until the flight were boarding. It was quite evident Fin was in a funk. He'd been quiet since they let the station, only opened his mouth to scold someone that ran into him at the airport and then to give lip to a not so service minded clerk at the check-in desk. Nick and Liv kept shooting each other looks. Fin was never easy to approach when he was in this mood but Liv knew the flight would be even more straining if she didn't try to. While they waited at the gate Fin had disappeared. Liv was sitting on a chair beside Nick. She kept searching for Fin with her eyes while Nick tried to skim through a newspaper someone left behind. Nick was fully aware of whom Liv was looking for though.

She finally spotted him by a window a little further down.  
"I'll be right back," she told Nick and hurried over to Fin before he disappeared again.  
"Hey," she said as she approached him. He gave her a look but showed no joy to have her company. He let his eyes wander back out over the airport's landing area. Liv followed his eyes as she thought about how to tackle him.  
"What's going on Fin?" she finally just asked.  
"Nothing," he answered a little too quickly. Liv shot him a look. He avoided it though.  
"Look, we're all worried about her…" Liv tread lightly knowing Fin was the type that could explode on her if she took a step too far. The last thing she wanted was to tip him over the edge.  
"It won't help her if we don't work together on this." She kept her eye on him a little from the side, not wanting to pressure him by staring him down. For at least a minute his face stayed grim looking but then he finally took a deep breath as he turned his head down.  
"We wasted a whole fucking day," he said and shook his head as he looked back up. He still couldn't look at her though. He was bottled up with a whole lot of emotions and he feared they would all escape if he met her eyes. Liv had the ability to crack you with just one look and he knew it.  
"We're already weeks behind and here we go wasting another day."  
"No Fin," Liv said and dared to put her hand lightly on his arm as she turned completely towards him. She kept her voice low as she continued, seeing how they weren't alone, but she kept it stern and confident to make him believe her.  
"It wasn't a waste. Sure she wasn't here but we learnt a whole lot about her that will help us find her. I at least didn't know just how deep her bond with her sister went but now I get it. I get that she just didn't constantly helped her sister out, Kim was Amanda's life line too. Kim was her constant, the one thing, one person, she could rely on. And sure, knowing that life line is gone now and not knowing exactly what Amanda is up to is scary but I believe it will be good. It will help us understand her and in the end help us find her. And I am sure we will find her Fin." He hadn't looked at her but she could tell he heard her. She let him think her words over and then she saw his eyes slowly glide over towards hers. He never fully dared to commit, his eyes wavering a little back and forth.  
"This is our squad Fin. We're the best. We will find her," Liv emphasized those final words and it looked as though she'd won him over. He gave her a slight nod. A voice over the intercom system told them it was time to board.  
"Common let's get on-board, get some sleep and once we land we'll get straight to work," Liv hugged his arm with her hand. She could see he was still down but a bit of tension had left his body. He gave her a nod and followed when she took a step towards their gate. Nick was waiting at the desk. He gave Liv a look and she gave him a smile to let him know things were okay.

* * *

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (_Joshua 1:9_)

* * *

Her screamed echoed through the spacious room but he wasn't worried. Her desperation could climb the thick concrete walls and her tears and blood stain the concrete floor. The screams, desperation, tears and blood would reach no one. No one but him and he quite enjoyed it all. Her distress only brought her closer to the breaking point.  
They were in a remote area but even if someone happen to walk by they were too far down, behind too many thick doors, for anyone to pick up on anything. He could run a chainsaw in here without anyone hearing it once you passed two doors. He'd tried it. He'd let it run and walked out. He knew which lengths he could go to without anyone picking up on anything. He left nothing to chance. Many years of practice and God's guidance made him the best of what he was doing.  
Her scream could barely be heard once the first door was properly shut. If he pressed his ear to the door he could hear her just a tiny bit. He'd done it quite a few times. It was rather thrilling hearing his angel cry through the door. Her and everyone else before her.  
He was starting to get tired of this one's cries now though. She'd been screaming almost nonstop for two days now. Why wouldn't she just give in? Why did she continue to call out for help? Why was she being so stubborn headed? Once she just surrendered everything would be so much better. Why didn't she listen to him and his prayers? Why didn't she trust him? Everything would be so much better once she acknowledged God's all mighty power. When she decided to confess her sins and rest in God's redemption.  
He'd used many of his tricks already. As usual he'd started lightly. The simple tree branch, wiping it on various parts of her body as she hung from the roof. He'd gone over to the flogger to increase the impact. He'd tried fire knowing many angels feared it to a fault. But through her fearful blue eyes he'd also seen some sick desire. The heat against her flesh, burning the bottom of her soles and even scorching some of her hair didn't work on this one. He'd gone over to the icy bath but then scorn himself since he realized that only gave relief to her slight burns. He'd kept her in there for a long time though, her lips turning as blue as her eyes.  
She'd seemed close to breaking and as he strapped her to the table he'd thought they'd reached her final destination. Her last purgatory. But as he climbed on top of her and threaten to violate her she'd just laughed in his face. He'd seen that craziness before, knew it was another defense but he hated to be laughed in the face. She would have to pay for that and he brought out the skin peeler. He hadn't flayed a human body part for a long time now. He started to feel excited again.  
"This is God's will," he said as he leaned down over her.

* * *

**As promised** Cragen had sent a car that waited for them as soon as they walked out of the airport. Cragen was awaiting them once they came back. He brought them straight into his office so they could have some privacy. He had however borrowed a guy from TARU by the name of George. Since they tried to keep Amanda's a-wall status off the grid Cragen had made sure he knew that he would report to him and him only.

Cragen let George start the debriefing since he was aware of the fact that Georgia hadn't left them with much helpful information about Amanda's present location.  
"Okay so her phone was last used in Brooklyn. It was turned off quite a lot during the last days of function but the few times it registered it was around this area," George pointed to his computer screen and showed them a rather wide circle with Flatlands avenue in the middle of it.  
"That's not far from Eli's precinct, where they found the bodies," Nick stated the obvious.  
"I have one ping from Bronx though, around this area," George moved the map on his screen and zoomed in on a different area of town.  
"As for her e-mail," George hit a few keys on his laptop and two dots jumped up on the map. "She logged in once from here, it's a internet cafe on Featherbed lane. And then once from here, another internet cafe on 3rd and 2nd avenue in East Harlem. And then another three times back in Brooklyn, or one of them in Queens actually," George zoomed in on the previous map again.  
"Again different places each time," Liv reflected on.  
"Yes, if your friend is as tech savvy as your captain informed me it is possible she's done it on purpose. And she hasn't logged in since June 10th, if she hasn't managed to reach it a secure way but it's highly unlikely if she hasn't got the right equipment." George turned to Fin.

"You've tried e-mailing her right?" he asked and Fin nodded. He'd sent a mail last night after Bryce had left him at the hotel and then another one earlier today.  
"I hope you don't mind but your captain gave me permission to monitor your inbox and I've put in a device that will immediately alert me if she responds and it will send a sort of Trojan horse so we can more easily track her."  
"Great," was Fin's response.  
"As long as she's logged in I'll also be able to copy her e-mails. Okay so that's all I got," George said and looked to Cragen. Cragen thanked him and then sent him on his way. Nick went to close the door behind George.

"So Georgia, not much?" Cragen sighed.  
"Not to locate her but it did help to understand where she's coming from," Liv said to weight up Fin's head shaking.  
"I've given George orders to try and find footage of the internet cafes," Cragen informed them.  
"But you had something that made you rather certain she was still in New York right?" Liv asked curiously.  
"Oh yeah right, George helped with this too," Cragen said as he sat down in the chair where George had previously been sitting.

"This is footage from the departure site on Allen street," Cragen managed to get the film rolling. He pointed to the screen even though the rest didn't need his help to spot Amanda. She wore jeans, boots, a short sleeved shirt. She carried a back-pack that looked rather full. Her hair was in a pony-tail and she looked somewhat relaxed even though she kept looking around a bit. She let an elderly couple on board before she stepped in and Cragen froze the image once she was on board.  
"Okay so this particular bus, the only one with this company I may point out, makes a cargo stop a little while later and George found this..." Cragen had some trouble getting the footage up on screen but finally managed to.  
"A hoodie covers her up, no back-pack, jeans, you can't really see her boots but I can put my money on that's Amanda. It's not a passenger stop but she slips out through the front while the driver is out dealing with the cargo," Cragen said and leaned back to be able to read the other's faces. No one argued. She slipped off the bus.

"So she is in New York," Liv said as she leaned down to sit on her captain's desk.  
"It's this footage and someone signing in on her e-mail account around the boroughs. I would think she's still in the area," Cragen said.  
"So what's next?" Liv asked and looked around all of them.  
"Next is that you all need sleep, there's not much we can do tonight," Cragen said and put his hand up to stop Fin from protesting as he saw it coming, "so I want you all to go home. Sleep. I'll meet you in here at… (Cragen checks his watch) 8 am with clear heads and we'll go through everything again. See where we go from here. But that's tomorrow and I'm walking you all out of here to make sure you leave. I'm not letting another one of you fool me." Cragen looked serious. Just like Fin he felt bad that Amanda had been able to lure him so completely.

Neither one of them felt like going home to sleep even if they were all rather wiped out but everyone but Fin realized it was what was best for them. Fin just felt frustrated. Some of that anger and anxiety that had manifested itself in his body when they were leaving Atlanta seemed to move back in. Cragen made real of his threat though and he drove Fin home while Nick drove Liv home. Cragen tried to keep up a conversation in the car but it was clear Fin wasn't in the mood to talk. He had enough respect for his captain though to not blow up in his face even if he felt it was a possibility in his current state.  
"Make sure you get some sleep detective. I need you fresh and levelheaded tomorrow Fin," Cragen said as he came to a halt outside his apartment complex. Fin gave him a nod.  
"Night cap," he said somberly and took the few steps over to his front door.

He lingered inside the door though and as soon as he saw Cragen drive away he headed down into his parking garage to get his car. No way he was going to get any sleep knowing his partner was out there. He drove to Brooklyn. Made most sense that she was around there. He kept driving up and down the streets as the sun started to set. He drove past sketchy areas, cruised down streets with prostitutes only to make a halt when he saw someone he thought reminded of Amanda. As the blonde came closer though it was never her and he drove off getting a few fingers in the back mirror. He did realize she could be anywhere or nowhere really but he couldn't stop driving around. Finally exhaustion got the better off him and he felt he was a danger driving around when his eyes were falling shut every now and then. He pulled over, managed to check his e-mail one last time before he dozed off with his phone in a tight grip with hopes it would buzz at some point.

A traffic cop woke him up by knocking on his window. The man kept knocking on his window until Fin managed to get up his badge and he held it up against the window. Fin thought he heard a muted 'sorry officer' but didn't care. He kept staring straight out the window for a while until his senses kicked in properly. His neck and back was hurting. His legs hurt when he tried to get them moving. He got his car going and checked the time. He had no idea where he was exactly but there was at least an hour left before they would all meet in their captain's office. He had time to take another spin around some of the areas he'd been in last night. They looked so completely different in the daylight. Most prominent - no street workers at this early hour. He decided he might as well head back in. He hoped something had turned up during the night.

**They met back** in their captain's office even before eight. It was quite obvious no one had gotten enough sleep but they were all eager to get going. Cragen had brought out the thick file that Amanda had put together when she was still working the Mayhem choker lead. No one really knew if this was still her best lead or if she'd found someone else behind her sister's death. Even though the file was still thick Fin thought it looked a little less so than the last time he'd seen it.  
They decided to work every lead they had. Fin wanted to head out to the areas where they'd picked up signals from Amanda's phone and the places she'd visited to log into her e-mail account. He felt he needed to be moving and he just knew Amanda would be out there on the street somewhere so that's where he wanted to be.  
They had traced the number that Amanda called Kaley from and it was made from a payphone on Flatlands avenue. They were pretty sure she was most likely hanging around the Brooklyn area and that also made them think the Mayhem lead was their best choice.

Liv and Nick would visit the sergeant in charge of the Mayhem case and see just how much Amanda had told him and if he had any insight about her commitment to that guy being Kim's killer. They also had to check in on the victim of their latest case. The last time they'd talk to her she'd been somewhat distressed. Understandably so since she'd been viciously assaulted by an unknown perpetrator last week and just barely escaped being raped.  
Cragen would meanwhile go through the thick file and have a look on all the notes Amanda had done on the side of the papers. Perhaps he'd missed something the last time he went through it a few weeks ago.

Fin made his first stop at the internet cafe she'd used in Jackson Heights since it was on his way to Brooklyn. He had a photo of Amanda in his phone that he showed around to some people hanging outside the cafe but then he went inside and headed straight for the guy behind the counter. A guy that looked, by Fin's definition, like a complete computer geek remembered her and could tell exactly where she'd been seated. She'd paid cash, had a cinnamon spiced latte and stayed for about half an hour. She'd worn a skirt with cowboy boots and a large hooded grey sweat. She had her hood up but he'd seen she covered blond locks and Fin also noted that the guy said she wore make-up. The guy had obviously found her attractive and he'd seen her wait outside for a bit. It had looked like she'd made a call and then sat down on the curb and had a smoke. It looked as though she'd been waiting for someone but then she'd taken off on foot after a few minutes. Fin gave the guy his card and told him to call if he ever saw her again.  
Before Fin headed out to see if the street had any cameras he went by the table she'd sat at. It was empty and Fin couldn't help but reach out and touch it. He hoped it would make him feel closer to her for a second but it didn't. He headed outside and wrote down on his pad that the street had a traffic came almost right outside. If they were lucky it would have caught her on tape and perhaps give them something.

That was the only place where he got something though. No one on the other places recognized her. He found another few cameras and he would try and get footage from the days and times she was there. Right now he settled with just getting another look at her. After that he would reach for finding her in person.  
He walked Flatlands avenue and the surrounding streets a little, asked anyone he passed if they had seen the woman on his phone. There was a few motels in the area and he checked those out hoping she might be staying at any one of them. One desk clerk seemed a little fishy eyed to Fin when he showed him Amanda's photo and he pushed him a little. He kept claiming though that he'd never seen her and that he had a pretty good knowledge of who stayed at his motel. Fin guessed he might just be up to something else that made him uneasy to have a cop around asking questions. He still made a circle around that specific motel in case they would get more clues to that Amanda was in the area.

At around 3 pm Cragen called him, Fin had been so absorbed by his mission he'd missed lunch. Cragen asked if he was ready to head back in. They'd received some footage and Nick and Liv were already back. Fin didn't feel done since he hadn't found any leads to Amanda's whereabouts but since this was rather pointless he headed back in.  
He found the three of them in the interview room next to Cragen's office. They all had their eyes glued to the computer screen in front of Liv.

"Hey," he said as he'd walked in without them even noticing his presence.  
"Look," Liv said, "she just came out from the internet cafe in Jackson Heights." Fin hurried up behind her. If he didn't have the description the computer geek had given him Fin might not have recognized Amanda. The footage was all in black and white but it was rather sharp for a street camera and they saw Amanda walked back and forth a bit with a phone to her ear. She kept her head mostly down but every now and then they got a look on her face. She looked in one piece. Her appearance though was out of character. The skirt ended well above her knees and with the boots it gave her a rather sexy look. The hoodie covered her up though and she hugged herself with one arm as she was walking and talking. Even with the hoodie she did catch a few guys attention as they walked by. Once she hung up her shoulders seemed to slump a bit and she dug out a smoke out of her pocket. It looked as though she was without fire but easily found a guy walking by that could light her smoke. She sat down on the curb to smoke and seemed to be waiting for someone. Once she'd finished her smoke she flipped the bud to the side and had a look around. She fiddled with something on her leg but then seemed to be done waiting. She got up and started to walk down the street and finally out of sight.  
The room had been quiet for several minutes since they'd all just been watching her, all feeling at least a bit relieved to see her around and walking.

"That's it?" Fin still asked disappointed though.  
"We got one more. From Brooklyn," Liv said as she located the file on her memory stick. This one was from June 13th outside Ace Internet Cafe. This footage was way shorter. She came out wearing skinny, black jeans with the same boots and hoodie. Again the hood was up but they saw her hand jump up as someone caught her attention across the street. She let a car pass but then hurried over. As she got closer to the car she apparently was heading towards she folded her hood back though and they got a good look on her. Her blonde curly hair was up and even with this crappy footage they could see she was wearing more make-up than usual. She smiled as she got closer to the car and leaned in towards the window before she jumped in. Unfortunately the car was mostly out of frame. They could see it was dark blue but neither the model nor license plate was visible. It looked like a guy sat behind the wheel but he was mostly covered by the sun screen that was down.  
"An expert could surely name the model of the car," Nick said as the footage ended.  
"Yes, let's do that. Fin and I will take care of it. You two have another missing person to find." Cragen gave Nick and Liv a look, both looked a bit reluctant. They wanted to help find Amanda but unfortunately they'd learnt that their latest victim was missing too and they couldn't just let that one go either. They headed out and hoped their victim would end up a worse hide and go seek contender than Amanda.

Meanwhile Cragen had Fin look through Amanda's file on the Mayhem killings and the notes that Cragen found most interesting. Cragen let him know sergeant Eli Hetfield, that had the lead on a very small group that worked this serial killer case, had been in contact with Amanda a few times. Eli had found her insight on the case rather interesting, she'd argued a few points that suggested that the religious motif was probably stronger than what they'd thought so far. He however did not find anything that pointed to that Kim was one of his victims even if she did fit the other victim's profiles. Amanda had visited him twice and called another two times. The last time they'd been in contact she was mostly occupied with the fact that one of their known victims had reported an assault a few days prior to when she went missing. She'd found another two possible victims that also reported assaults before they went missing only to never be found. That was the case of a woman in Fargo, North Dakota, back in 1992 too that was killed in similar ways to that of the Mayhems victims and had reported a sexual assault a week prior to her going missing and a year later turned up dead, buried in a national park a few miles away. Cragen had found that woman's autopsy report in Amanda's thick file. However he couldn't find the other women's case reports in the file and Eli couldn't remember their names unfortunately.

Cragen had found Amanda's profile of the killer. It wavered a bit from the one sergeant Eli had a professional profile do. Amanda set the age more towards 50's instead of the 30 – 40 in the original profile. He was intelligent, probably held a steady job, perhaps even had a family. He was a bit of a chameleon but if they asked the people around him someone would probably say he was a bit of a loner. He was now based in New York but Amanda thought he was from the South or North Dakota region and she'd scribbled down "_I-90 killer 80's?_" and "_I-94 killer 1988-?_". Cragen had found cases with murdered or missing women that mentioned the two interstate murderers but the cases had never been closed or even investigated much. Many believed that the two interstate murderers just didn't exist, that it was just single perpetrators, perhaps truckers that picked up women on the road and it escalated to murder accidentally. It seemed since it was mostly street workers that went missing they didn't get much attention from the local authorities. Cragen could only hope this wouldn't be the case if the murders had taken place in present time.

Even if she had this Mayhem choker down to a T it was still not enough to identify him. If she'd found something more it wasn't in the file. Cragen had gone back and forth in it, looked on every page also back and forth. TARU had gone through her work computer but found nothing on this case or anything else suspicious. She'd done a lot of inquiries though about the cases she thought Mayhem was behind. Though most of those cases were in the file already.  
For now they sent the photo of the top of the car to their tech lab and hoped someone could tell them the model of the car. They hoped some more footage would arrive at some point but once Fin had gone through Amanda's file he headed back out onto the streets. He went back to the internet cafes and hoped the crowd was different at this time of day and that someone would recognize her. A few times he even thought he saw her but it always turned out not to be of course. Once he mistook a hooker for her and it made his heart skip a beat. God only knew what situation she put herself in to get close to whoever she was chasing. If she was chasing the Mayhem killer his victims had been mostly street workers. The thought scared him and he had to keep moving to get out of his own head. It was getting dark and his phone buzzed. He felt disappointed when he saw Liv's name in the window. Why couldn't it be Amanda? He let it go to voicemail but then she called again and since he didn't want Liv to worry about him too he picked up.

"Hey," he said somberly.  
"Hey, where you at?" she asked. He looked around and found a street sign just above his head.  
"Okay, don't go anywhere, I'm close by," she said and gave no room for discussion. She drove up just a couple minutes later.  
"Jump in," she said. He did it a bit reluctantly.  
"My car is around the corner though," he pointed out.  
"That's okay, I'll take you back. We're just going to get something to eat," she looked away as she drove back out onto the street again. She heard his sigh but ignored it. She figured he'd probably gone without lunch already, Nick and her had forgotten to but caught it a bit later than usual. Now it was past dinner time though and she knew he'd been mostly out here walking the streets today.  
"We found some more footage of her but nothing that will get us anywhere," Liv told him as she parked the car.  
"Figures. She's too smart for us," he sighed.  
"She's running with the best though, we'll find her," Liv said before she got out of the car. Right now her priority was getting food in Fin but she was still hopeful they would find Amanda soon.

**As the weekend** came they still stood without any new leads though. Cragen juggled the strong will to keep Amanda's resignation literally in his desk drawer until they could find her but still run a functional squad.  
It wasn't easy when all his detectives wanted to do was hit the street to try and find her. Cragen started to wonder if he wasn't doing Amanda a disservice, did he put her in more danger by not reporting her missing. He'd turned to Liv with his concern but she had confirmed what Cragen already was thinking. If they reported her missing it was surely going to mean questions from above and from that creep Tucker or someone else at IAB. It could also mean they put her in a life threatening situation. If she was stalking someone or undercover somewhere they could blow her cover and put her in an even bigger mess. No for now they would have to just hope she would reply to Fin's e-mails.

Fin had sent one every day now asking her to please check in so he at least knew she was alive. He restrained himself from sending more than one a day even though he felt like sending one every hour. She was on his mind constantly. By now she'd invaded his dreams too, haunting him at times but mostly just walking his dreams like she'd walked in his life earlier. This made him almost long for sleep so he could see her.  
By the start of a new week they had two new cases and at the same time tried to locate their missing assault victim who'd left at her own free will much like Amanda had. On Tuesday Cragen ordered Fin to accompanied Liv to their victim's father. Cragen had let Fin run mostly his own way but since Nick was needed elsewhere Fin had to step up.

"Please don't let anything have happen to my daughter," the distraught father cried. Liv reached out and touched his arm in a consoling way. He hadn't heard from his daughter in almost a week now.  
"We'll find her Mr Peters," Liv comforted.  
"You have to, I don't know what I'll do without her," the father of their missing victim cried out loud. The moment he'd started talking about his daughter and the obvious love he had for her Fin had started to feel a bit of anxiety growing in his gut. He tried to push it down by listening to their victim's father with great intensity, the kind of intensity any of their victim or victim's close ones deserved. It worked for a while but now the anxiety grew with the growing distraught of the father. Liv seemed to have it covered and he excused himself quietly and sneaked out.

She found him outside across the street a little later. He was pacing the sidewalk. Liv had to wait for a passing car but then hustled over to him.  
"You okay?" she shouted a bit so he'd hear her over the passing traffic. He looked up and when he registered it was Liv he gave her a nod.  
"You sure?" she asked as she got closer.  
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bailed on you," Fin said with obvious guilt to his tone.  
"Don't worry about it. I had that covered," Liv said with a kind smile.  
"Still, I shouldn't bail on my partner," Fin said quietly and then took a deep breath as he avoided Liv's gaze. She knew the father and their missing victim probably pulled some strings in him, she'd felt it too.  
"You didn't bail on your partner Fin," Liv said seriously. He shot her a look but then had to turn and he took a few steps away from her to get some distance from the pressure he felt across his chest. Liv let him have some time. Hoped he would open up by himself if she just gave him the time.  
"She doesn't have that," he said angrily and gestured back towards the building they'd just been in.  
"She doesn't have a father, or a mother, missing her."  
"But she has us Fin," Liv said as she took a step towards him. He gave her a look and she saw lots of sadness in those dark, husky eyes of his.  
"I keep thinking about her. I know she probably doesn't want our help Liv but… she's out there somewhere waiting to be found. And I'm failing her. Again."  
"You are not failing her Fin," Liv said and had to step up to him even though she figured he'd prefer some space. She grabbed his one arm and squeezed it with her hand.  
"You know how it is. We just need one break. One little clue and we got her. This is what we do Fin. We're detectives and we will find her. I am worried about her too but it is Amanda. She can fight her own battles. We know that, we just don't _want_ her to fight them alone any longer. So we'll find her and we'll help her with whatever it is she's gotten herself into. We will find her Fin. Trust me," Liv looked at him with such belief he couldn't do anything else than trust her. He gave her an appreciating nod.  
"We'll find her," Liv said for the fourth time and hoped she was getting through to him. She needed him to believe this cause there was no way in hell she'd give up on finding Amanda. No one went missing from her squad. From her family.

* * *

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (_Matt 11:28_)

* * *

As they walked back into the precinct Fin felt a little better. He'd needed that pep talk and he was grateful Liv had given it to him. They both said hi to Nick who was at his desk and Liv was about to ask if he had any leads on their missing victim when Cragen stepped out of his office pale as a sheet. He was pulling on his jacket. Everything about him told them he was agitated.

"What?" Fin said as Cragen stepped up to them. Cragen swallowed hard and looked at all three of them before he spoke. Nick was able to rise up before the elderly man managed to form a sentence.  
"They've found a body," Cragen said quietly. Liv immediately bit down hard on her lower lip, instantly fearing what he meant.  
"A body?" Fin had to ask though. Cragen focused on him as he spoke next.  
"It fits Amanda's description." Fin's face immediately crumbled.  
"Where?" Nick asked since he was the only one still able to talk, he'd been mentally preparing for this for some time now.

"In Brooklyn. Fits the Mayhem choker's MO but they've just brought her in. They want me to identify her before the autopsy." Nick turned on his heel to fetch his things. Fin and Liv had their things together already and got going immediately. Cragen knew there was no point trying to talk them into letting him do this alone. They took two cars. Fin drove Cragen and they took the lead. Nick drove the next car with him and Liv in it. Both cars were silent all the way over to the Brooklyn precinct where the body had been transferred. Cragen took lead ones there and the officer at the reception desk immediately got another uniform to walk them down to the morgue. Cragen shook hands with the MD Kevin James while the rest just gave him a quick nod.

"She's in here," Kevin said with a solemn voice and took them inside. The room was empty except for the autopsy table with a covered body on top of it. Everyone stared at it for a couple of seconds.  
"I have to warn you though, the body's in a bad shape," Kevin said as he approached the table.  
"Bad how?" Liv asked. Kevin gave her a look and she could tell he had a hard time telling her in case this was in fact their co-worker.  
"Severe body trauma such as burns and peeled skin," Kevin knew he still had to give them the facts though.  
"But her face..." Liv almost didn't dare to ask.  
"Face is... intact, she's still dirty though. The body was found buried."  
"But she might have been buried for long then? We saw... Amanda, or footage of her from like twelve days ago," Nick was grasping at straws.  
"I can't tell you just yet when she died but I would estimate she's been in the ground for about a week," Kevin let them know.  
"So..." It was all Nick was able to say as he couldn't come up with something that would make that body under that sheet to not be Amanda.  
Kevin gave him some time to finish his sentence though but when he realized nothing else was coming from him or any of the others he took a few steps closer to the table.  
"Are you ready?" he asked before he made any attempt to reach for the sheet. Cragen swallowed hard and then gave his detectives a look. No one looked ready for this but they had to know if this was Amanda or not. Cragen took a deep breath and then gave Kevin a nod. Just as he reached the sheet though a single word make everyone in the room jump.

"Stop," Fin said sharply and everyone's eyes went to him. It felt as though his heart was jumping out of this body, he wasn't ready. Liv reached out to touch his arm as she figured he might be about to fall apart.  
"Her arm..." he managed to stammer.  
"Her arm?" Kevin asked puzzled. He'd let go of the sheet.  
"Is her arm... intact?" Fin asked. Kevin gave him a nod as he got it.  
"Depends on which one?" Kevin looked uncomfortable but it was nothing close to how Fin was feeling. Kevin had seen the peeled skin on parts of her one hand and arm. Liv made a noise as she felt her throat burn with the notion what the killer might have put Amanda through.  
"Her left," Fin said with insecurely and just hoped Kevin wouldn't say it was missing. The thought of this being Amanda hurt so bad but the thought of her going through torment before she died hurt even more.  
"That one's intact," Kevin almost smiled and went around the gurney to fold the sheet to the side. Cragen, Nick and Liv all watched Fin as he stepped up next to Kevin. No one understood why he asked for this. Kevin was used to most things having worked the morgue for many years now and figured she had something that would identify her on her arm. Fin swallowed hard and stepped closer as the arm was exposed. It was dirty which wasn't surprisingly since they'd found her buried. He felt sick to his stomach as he grabbed the arm carefully and twisted it around so he could see the inside. He didn't see what he was looking for but he feared it was hiding somewhere underneath the dirt.  
"Can we… you have something to wipe with?" Fin asked and Kevin jumped to the task of getting him a cloth. He got some water on it and told Fin as he handed it to him to be careful. The body needed to go through an excessive examination to not miss any evidence. Fin nodded and then carefully swiped the exact spot he was looking for. Or more so not looking for.

"It's not her," Fin breathed hard once he knew for sure what he was looking for wasn't there.  
"You're sure?" Liv asked relived and stepped forward. Fin nodded.  
"She has a white tattoo with her name right there," Fin pointed to the arm of the still unknown female on the table.  
"It's not her," Fin said again with a relieved smile on his face. Cragen pulled a deep sigh with relief and Amaro took a walk around the room to get rid of some built up tension in his body.  
"Thank God," Liv smiled and again touched Fin's arm.

"But you're rather certain it's the Mayhem killer?" Liv asked the MD once she'd calmed down some. Kevin nodded.  
"I've had two of his other victims on my table before and I'm rather certain he's struck again. Same tools used, final death by choking judging by her whites," Kevin said.  
"Can we take a look?" Liv asked and again Kevin nodded. He pulled the sheet down and the detectives gathered around the female's head.  
"Isn't that…" Liv started.  
"Cassie Swinton," Fin filled in with a whisper.

"So Amanda was really on to something," Fin said and felt a bit angry that he hadn't believed her full on out.  
"So does that mean the Mayhem choker had something to do with Kim's death after all?" Nick asked confused not being able to link everything together. No one really could but this was clearly very suspicious.  
"I don't know," Cragen said, "but I do know we have to find Amanda asap. Let's hurry back to set up a more forceful strategy. We need to find her. Yesterday." Liv hurried to give Kevin the information about who the woman was and then hurried out after the men after she shot Kevin a quick bye and thank you.

**Having to go down to the morgue** to identify their colleague and friend was a situation they never wanted to be put in again. Ever. Cragen decided though that it was time to start thinking of Amanda as one of their victims. He had Liv go through her personal file, make a proper profile of Amanda to help them understand her better. Nick and Fin reached out to previous colleagues in the NYPD, asked them to keep an eye out. These were friends that worked a lot undercover and knew the meaning of concealment and privacy.

Cragen, Nick and Fin paid another visit to Sergeant Eli and asked for even more insight into the Mayhem choker case. Thankfully Eli was one of those cops that didn't mind help or input, his one mission was to bring this guy down so these heinous killings could stop. It was scary to know though that most victims were street workers, or at least former ones. Did this mean Amanda was out there on the streets somewhere baiting herself? Or was she so close to identifying him that she was trying to catch him in the act? Either scenario was scary.

Cragen decided to reach out to Munch and see if he could return to the squad for a while. Munch had been temporarily reassigned to cold case for a while. Once he got briefed on Amanda's absence though he was quickly on board. Cragen was thankful since he felt like he was caving under a little with the burden of running into walls when trying to find his missing detective and at the same time trying to uphold appearances and his duty to the crimes that kept coming in and needed solving.  
Munch was greeted with a big hug from his former partner as he walked into the squad room early next morning.  
"I've missed you," Fin said quietly as he hugged his friend and former partner.  
"Me too," Munch said and he grabbed Fin's neck as he let him go. Munch could see his former partner was run down even though he didn't know he'd spent the night cruising up and down the streets of Brooklyn. "We'll find her," he said with a straight face. Fin nodded even though he had doubts.

"My man," Nick said loudly as he spotted Munch and the older man let go off Fin so he could shake hands with the younger man.  
"Good to have you back," Nick said even though he knew the situation his return to was less than good.  
"Back to bring some order back to this squad room," Munch smiled knowing this was no time to bring the mood down even further. Cragen had been right behind him as they walked up but been stopped by a uniform with a case related question. Now that he entered though the three men greeting each other felt like at least a spark of something good happening. That spark vanished rather quickly though as Liv came walking out of the interview room looking as worn down as yesterday when he'd left her with Amanda's records that came in from various instances. Clearly Amanda's background wasn't the happiest read.

Liv managed a smile though as she hugged Munch. He patted her cheek in a fatherly way before he let go off her completely.  
"Are you done?" Cragen asked Liv and she nodded.  
"Okay, let's do this," Cragen said somberly to the rest of them and they all headed into the interview room with conviction but heavy feet.

The room had the shades down and the white board Liv had prepared was facing away from the squad room so no other eyes than theirs would see the sensitive material. Fin bit the inside of his cheek once he saw Amanda's photo up on that board. Her name and date of birth was circled just beneath her photo. To her right a photo of Kim, her name and birth date also circled, as was the date of her death. To Amanda's left another two photos. Emily Rollins and Michael Bure. Emily's photo were no more than a few years old while Michael's was a mug shot from at least 20 years ago. Fin walked over to the corner and leaned against the wall. Nick and Munch had a seat at the table and Cragen joined them as soon as he'd closed the door behind them. He gave Liv a nod where she stood beside the white board and she presented their subject, her age and place of birth. It was awkward for all of them to look at their co-worker as a subject, as a victim, but at least Liv knew what was coming. The rest wasn't enlighten just yet about the entire picture. Munch less than anyone and he had to really stern himself to maintain calm during the briefing.

Liv had written it all down in Amanda's case file but she spared them most of the grief that was Amanda's childhood and just gave them what they needed to know to get a fair picture. She took them through Amanda's time line that was drawn underneath her picture. From the premature birth that the doctors thought was a result of the mother's heavy use of pain medicine for an undetermined ache the mother claimed to have, through the hospitals visits over the following couple of years. She mentioned a concussion at age barely four, the dislocated shoulder the following year, a facial fracture at age six and the infection at age nine that was caused by an unattended wound on her leg that would need ten stitches when finally cleaned out properly.

Liv mentioned the fact that a nurse at the hospital found Amanda to be a little on the lethargic side when Emily was brought in for Kim's delivery. Kim had also been born premature but no mention of the mother's pain medication this time. After a doctor had looked Amanda over though, barely two years old, he'd ruled malnutrition and they'd even found it severe enough to prescribed dietary supplements while Emily was admitted. Emily had blamed Amanda's state on an absent father during a complicated pregnancy. Emily received some help from the social services after they got out and it was left with that.

The social services would pay quite a few visits to the family over the years though. It seemed Emily had a knack to talk herself, or more so her daughters out of placement outside of the home though. There seemed to be a lack of continuity as well, every time there was a new name of the child-welfare secretary in charge of the complaint that came from neighbors or the school. Most complaints concerned Amanda but Kim of course also got involved in the inquiry and sometimes bruises were found on the younger Rollins sister as well.

There were a few times though when the kids were removed from the home. Liv mentioned one of the all together five times they were placed. She chose the one time when police was called to the house after neighbors reported fighting and screaming coming from the house. Both adults, if you could call them that, were arrested on location, Emily for domestic assault and then the father for assaulting an officer. The kids, Amanda eight at the time and Kim six, were taken into foster care. It was right before Christmas and their maternal grandmother managed to get temporary custody after about a week and could bring the kids home with her for the holiday. In the beginning of the new year though Emily managed to get custody back and the kids were brought back home.

The four other times were just as bad but the times they let the kids stay in the home were actually worse. Liv could not keep herself from mentioning what the child-welfare secretary wrote in the valuation box on the paper for the inquiry that were done after Amanda came in with a facial fracture at age six. During further examinations they found more bruises on the girl's body but Emily claimed that they had been self-inflicted by the girl seeing how she was a 'wild one'. The child-welfare secretary wrote; "_Though I've seen no sign of what the mother calls a 'out of control behavior', Amanda actually seems like a very well-behaved child with much protectiveness towards her younger sibling, it is often a child can behave one way alone with their parents and another way when strangers are around. I've come to the understanding with the mother, Emily Rollins, that the children absolutely under no circumstances can be left unattended like they have been at times but will instead stay with their maternal grandmother when the mother has to be away from the home and the father, Michael Bure, is not present and this way prevent any injuries to the children. Case closed_." Liv looked up from the paper she'd read from.

"Unbelievable," Munch sighed. Liv went on to the parents and their rap sheets. Michael Bure had a couple of prison visits. Petty theft, break-ins, drunk and disorderly. He did a couple of months and ended up most often back at the Rollins household. The mother had a couple of drunk and disorderly on her record too but since it never turned out to be alcohol that caused it, again, Emily managed to get herself out of it. Liv said she suspected the mother had a pill addiction and it was mentioned in one of the police reports that they suspected just that.

At one point Emily crashed her car with the kids in it and she was found to be under the influence of drugs which she later claimed to be prescribed pain killers that she'd gotten from her doctor. No one was badly injured in the crash thankfully but the mother was sentenced to rehabilitation and would spend a month at a rehab centre. During her absent the father had custody of the children that were eight and six at the time.

As Amanda grew older the hospital visits stopped but the school still filed some complaints to child-welfare. Now that Amanda could talk for herself though she always claimed she was clumsy or that she'd sustained her injuries while playing sports. At times when there were obvious signs that the injuries had been caused by human hands she always blamed the father who, according to her own words, was a drunk and a thug. And since he was mostly absent from the home these days the cases were always dropped.

And then Kim seemed to become an even bigger problem for Amanda as she started to act out. She was failing school, getting caught shoplifting as young as age ten, got into fights with classmates and at eleven the school had enough and suspended her while they put her through some tests to determine if she perhaps needed some form of behavioral diagnosis and special aid in school. Over the years Kim got several diagnosis, from

There were quite a few 911 calls from the Bure/Rollins household. Emily overdosed on pain medication when Amanda was 12 and she called it in. After they'd moved into the grandmother's house and the father was gone the police didn't have to make that many house calls, the ones they made was concerning Kim and some trouble she's caused or was in. It seemed the mother, at least on the outside, behaved a bit more properly as they moved to a better area of Loganville.

After Amanda went away to go to college the rest of her life story went rather quick for Liv to go through. She'd started taking college classes already in high school so she was obviously smart and the teacher's thankfully saw it. She'd earned a scholarship which took her through college and she got a masters in forensic psychology. Right after college she applied for the police academy. She started with the APD and moved herself upward rather quickly. Seemed she was used rather often for sting operations, she had the ability to look young but as she also proved herself street-smart and intelligent she got noticed and popular within the department. It didn't take long until she became a detective with homicide but then transferred to the sex crimes unit rather quickly. She had excellent reports from higher rank. She did have some interaction with IAB but it had mostly been to clear a few shootings but Kim's name come up at times too.

Kim barely finished high school and then managed to get mixed up with some bad people and her name came up in many drug cases. Amanda got in trouble a couple of times when she bailed her sister out but since Amanda had friends in the department it seemed they in turn bailed her out of trouble.  
As for Amanda's private life, it was just that - private. She'd never been married, never registered at the same address with a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter. Fin couldn't mention one friend Amanda had in the city and they'd met the only one she had down in Atlanta.

Liv had also prepared a sheet with suspects in Kim's murder, from Amanda's point of view. She spread it out on the table and Fin got closer so he could weigh in on it too.  
"We had Jeff but we're clear on that we can rule him out right, and it seems Amanda ruled him out too," Liv crossed out his name once she got a nod from Fin.  
"We then have an unknown assailant, we have the Mayhem choker, who's more or less unknown too," she put rings around the two names on the sheet. "We know Amanda checked up on Cassie and on Cassie's boyfriend Bobby, detective Radnor ruled them out though. Do we know if Amanda did?" Liv looked to Fin but he tossed his shoulders.  
"You know if she talked to Cassie again after you two saw her?" Cragen asked and again Fin had to toss his shoulders. He had no idea.  
"Well Cassie is a victim now so we can rule her out which leaves us with her boyfriend. Robert 'Bobby' Ashbrook from upstate New York, multiple drug charges and one for soliciting."  
"Did Cassie have soliciting charges?" Nick asked and Cragen got her records out.  
"Sure did," he said as he found one.  
"But she told us she was a waitress," Fin said and looked over their captain's shoulder.

"Two soliciting charges and multiple drug charges," Cragen said with his eyes still on her rap sheet.  
"We should probably talk to the boyfriend," Liv said and Cragen looked up and gave her a nod.  
"This Mayhem choker, what do we know about him?" Munch asked since this was basically the first he heard of this guy. Cragen handed him Amanda's profile of him while Liv spoke.

"Six confirmed deaths in New York since year 2000. Well seven if or when Cassie gets confirmed. Victims are all female, from around 20 up to late 30's, blonde, blue eyed and linked to the sex industry in one way or another. He chokes them but holds them captive and puts them through great torture before he finally kills them. There are a lot of women missing that fits his criteria, this is just one of our cities serial killers that's running loose out there but he might be one of the deadliest. Amanda has him down for up to 20 missing women as you can see," Liv said and Munch finally looked down at the file handed to him.

"But how did she get a lead on this guy if it's him she's gone after?" Nick asked. "Surely she must know something that we don't know. Something that's not in that file of hers."  
"I think it must be Cassie," Fin thought out loud.  
"She got something from Cassie that got her a lead on him?" Liv asked and Fin nodded.  
"So the boyfriend then, can we go captain?" Liv asked. Cragen nodded. Fin headed out with Liv while Cragen and Nick stayed behind to brief Munch. Even though Cragen was hoping Munch would help out with the rest of their cases mostly, Munch would of course be informed on Amanda's case. He was her friend as well and deserved to get in on it.

Unfortunately Cassie's boyfriend Bobby was nowhere to be found. Police had been dispatched to his and Cassie's apartment once the identification had been made. He'd seemed sad but still collected one of the officers told Fin and Liv once they talked to him a little later after they'd made sure Bobby was not in the apartment any longer. They would in a couple of days find out that he'd taken an overdose that same night as he found out the love of his life was gone and he was kept alive on a ventilator. When he came around weeks later his help would no longer be needed.

**Several days would pass**. Nothing. No e-mail. Not a single trace or lead. It was devastating to them all and it got harder and harder for them to maintain a front that everything was okay. People around the squad room started to ask about Amanda and it got harder and harder to come up with reasons why she would be stuck in Atlanta.

**A week passed**. Nothing. Fin was getting the most run down. He was still cruising the streets searching for her, every night, like clockwork. Their missing assault victim would turn up voluntarily finally but not Amanda. Why not Amanda? Fin asked himself. Had she read his e-mails? Did she not know he would be searching for her? Did she not have bigger faith in him than that? What could he have done differently? His questions became unanswered but he would never give up. How could he give up on her? That's not what partners did.

The weekend was approaching. More than three weeks since Fin had any form of contact with Amanda. More than three weeks since they had proof she was alive and kicking. After this weekend it would be three weeks of unwarranted absence from his detective and Cragen was starting to realize he had to turn in her badge. As Friday came and went Cragen got ready to head home. He went out to his detectives. It was only Nick and Liv who were at their desks, Fin was probably out on the street looking for his partner even if the three of them tried to keep that hidden from their captain. Munch had been going through recently closed cases with Barba earlier today and Cragen had told him to head home afterwards. Call it a night.

Barba had gotten briefed a little, not the full extent since they didn't want to drag him into this semi-unlawful conduct by the squad. But since Amanda was needed as a witness in a trial that was coming up Cragen didn't see any other way to get Barba off his back. It was agreed Fin would take her place had she not showed up before the trial date. Cragen wasn't sure Fin would be able to pull it off though. Right now it was like he was missing two detectives in his squad. He put no blame on Fin for this though, Cragen got how devastating this was. He was right there with Fin.

They weren't suppose to work that weekend but they were all so behind on everything. Liv and Nick had decided to clear some paperwork and then help Fin search the streets for Amanda. Fin was sleeping in the bunks right now, Friday was a busy night out there and he probably didn't crash until a few hours ago so they let him sleep for a while.

Lunch was approaching when Cassidy suddenly stuck his head inside the squad room. The uniform at the gate gave him a suspicious look but thankfully Liv was at her desk and noticed him. She got up and came walking up towards him.

"Hey, what brings you here?" she asked with a smile hoping he wouldn't take offence. It was just the last time she'd seen him around the squad room was during the whole captain Cragen and dead hooker ordeal. She'd seen him from time to time and that kiss in the hospital always lingered in the back of her mind when she saw or thought of him. She wouldn't mind seeing more of him but she knew he preferred to stay away from the force and unfortunately that included her.

"You have a minute?" he asked. She noticed that he looked around the squad room over her shoulder.  
"Sure, outside or…"  
"Yeah let's go outside," he said and took the lead. She gave his back an odd look before she followed him towards the elevators. They stayed quiet during the ride down and kept quiet as Cassidy lead them around the corner. Liv had an uneasy feeling in her gut, she feared he'd gotten himself in some trouble again.

"Are you working some sting around Ganzel?" he asked once he turned to face her. Liv gave him a surprised look before she shook her head.  
"No," she added. Brian scanned her face to make sure she was being honest.  
"So not Ganzel but someone right?"  
"We're not working any sting right now, not one I'm involved in anyway," Liv assured him. He kept watching her with a suspicious eye though.

"What's going on Bri?" Liv asked.  
"Your blonde girl, the southern belle, she's working undercover right?" As soon as it dawn on her that he must have gotten eyes on Amanda she grabbed his arm.  
"Amanda? You've seen her?" she asked rapidly. He could see the eagerness in her eyes and feel the urgency in her hold on his arm. He was confused though. So why had Amanda been at that party if she wasn't undercover? Was he blowing her secret, private life? Was this some deep, dark side to the detective? Suddenly he felt like he was ratting her out.

"Brian, have you seen her?" Liv repeated and Cassidy almost had to take a step backwards as Liv was pressuring him literally.  
"What's going on here?" Brian asked confused. Liv shot a look over her shoulder, wanting to make sure they hadn't gained any unwanted attention with her voice so raised.  
"Have you seen her?" Liv asked seriously, piercing him with her eyes. He nodded.  
"When?"  
"Last night. What's going on here Liv?" Brian asked and gave her just as an intense stare as she was giving him. She shot another look over her shoulder, she was acting very agitated in his eyes. Liv was usually so calm, only every now and then blowing up on suspects.

"Okay," Liv said as she released her firm grip on his arm and she took a breath to collect herself. At least this meant Amanda was still alive and she could wait a minute or two to clue Brian in.  
"She's been missing," Liv started, "for quite some time. Not on a job." Liv saw his questionable look and figured that was his question.  
"Her sister died, we think it was an accident but Amanda wouldn't settle with that. Her sister meant the world to her. Anyway, she started to work the case or _a_ case at least. We're not sure if she's going after her sister's killer or this serial murderer that target women that looks like her and her sister."  
"She's off the grid?" Brian asked and Liv nodded.

"Now can you please tell me what you know?" Liv begged. Brian got stuck in her beautiful dark brown eyes for a bit but quickly pulled out.  
"Ganzel threw a party last night for a... well companion let's say. All out, girls on tables, food, open bar. Amanda showed up on this guy's arm. She wore a very…" he was thinking skimpy but managed to find another word, "…revealing outfit."  
"How revealing?" Liv asked carefully. Brian made a face that let her know it was quite revealing.

"Was she like an escort?" she raised her eyebrow at him.  
"Perhaps but I would think more like a girlfriend actually. I've seen the guy around." He had to add that.  
"Where?" Liv asked quickly.  
"Well he's a bartender at this strip joint, I think he's dabbled with escort service too but he's not a top dog." Brian gave her the address of the strip joint.

"I've seen him around before. He surrounds himself with beautiful women and he seemed to be hooking up with Amanda so I'd say she either works in or around that joint."  
"What do you mean with hooking up?" Liv had to ask since it was important to know as much as possible to be able to locate her.  
"Well they... made out. They came with some other girls but he seemed to really keep his eye on her. The way he held on to her…" he left it at that and Liv didn't need more to understand.

"Did you talk to her? Did she see you?" Liv asked fearing that might spook her into hiding.  
"I don't think she noticed me. They kept a little to themselves. She seemed to keep her distance from Ganzel though. I tried to keep away from her and ducked out off there early, I thought you guys were up to some sting, didn't want to get caught but then today I heard nothing happen so I figure I come down here to see what you were up to." Brian stopped talking and Liv remained silent for a bit as she tried to take all this new information in. Amanda was safe. Or at least alive. But what was she up to? Had she traced a killer to this strip joint? How could they get to her when she was on the inside?

"Liv?" Brian brought her back to the parking lot. She looked up at him and gave him a nod. She asked him to describe the bartender since he didn't even have a name on him. The bartender had some things that made him stand out hopefully.  
"Thanks Bri. This is good. Now we know where she's at, you don't know how we've been searching for her for weeks," Liv told him and leaned in to give him a hug.  
"Anytime," he said as he let her go after having answered her hug. "If there's anything you know where to find me."  
"Thanks Bri, I might have to take you up on that offer if we can't find her," Liv said.  
"Don't hesitate," he said quietly and stroke her cheek gently as he started walking off. Liv stayed put for a few seconds as she needed to collect her thoughts. She pulled a deep breath and then headed back inside quickly.

She found Nick at his desk once she got back upstairs and she told him immediately that they needed to talk. Nick gave her a curious look as he could tell her head where elsewhere.  
"Can you get Fin? Meet me in Cragen's office 'key?" she said and he knew by the look she gave him it was both urgent and important. He gave her a nod and immediately went to get Fin. They joined her in their captain's office just a minute later. She'd leaned back against his desk but got up as Nick closed the door behind him and Fin.

"What?" Fin asked as soon as the door was closed.  
"Cassidy stopped by. He saw her," she said quickly and her eyes had a sparkle to them none of the others had seen in weeks now.  
"Amanda?" Fin asked and she nodded.  
"She's okay?" Nick asked with worry in his voice. She swallowed as she gave him a look but then looked back at Fin.  
"It looks like she might be working at a strip club," she said carefully. Fin's face remained troubled but Nick couldn't hide his surprise as his eyes widen.

"He saw her there?" Fin asked but Liv shook her head.  
"She was at a party Ganzel held last night. She came with a guy that works the bar at the strip club, he's know to hook up with the girls that works there." Liv let that sink in for a few seconds.  
"What's the club?" Fin finally asked.  
"Bare Assets."  
"Queens?" Fin asked having a rather good knowledge on NYs strip clubs. Liv nodded.  
"How do we do this?" Nick asked knowing they were visiting a strip joint one way or another tonight.

They decided to not inform Cragen just yet. They knew they were taking a risk by not involving him, if they screwed it up they would be in a huge mess but then also Cragen couldn't be liable for anything so it was still better to keep him out until they knew for sure if they'd found Amanda or not. Fin and Nick would go in as just regular guests. Fin couldn't lie, he had experience of strip joints and quite honestly had to admit he liked them. It had been one of the perks working undercover at narcotics. Nick had also visited strip clubs while undercover but only once as a private person and he blamed a friend's bachelor party for that. He didn't share Fin's liberal opinion on strip joints, Nick found it was just another way of exploiting women who didn't have the means to support themselves any other way.

Liv would stay outside, keep a watch at the entrance and they would check in with her through phone every now and then. Fin knew some clubs had security checks, especially during the weekends, so they didn't want to get busted with any devices.

Fin wanted to head over as soon as possible if she perhaps worked as a waitress there and according to their website it opened at noon already. Liv urged him though to play it cool, they needed to have a plan on how to approach her if she was around. There were no telling how she would react. Fin said he knew it was important that they didn't blow her cover if she had one but Liv still feared he would act impulsive if he spotted her and that could put all three of them in danger.

Liv managed to convince him that they would order in lunch, use Cragen's office to work out a solid plan. Then Fin and Nick needed to dress their parts. Since Fin had experience he could tell from the website that it wasn't a big, fancy place. It was located in a bit of a shady area of Queens and on the map they found it was surrounded by a sex shop, some warehouses and some empty lots. Bare Assets claimed to be an all-american strip club, with all-american dancers. Fin had never been but he'd seen the term being used before and it wasn't necessarily true. Girls from east Europe and Russia, could look all-american as long as they didn't open their mouths.

They drove past the place at about four pm, it looked almost deserted but they knew the inside could look different. They'd taken Fin's car since it had lots of room and the back windows were tainted so Liv could hide out while they were inside. Fin stopped at a nearby gas station as he needed to refuel. He let them know he'd go inside to get some stuff for Liv. He asked her if she wanted something special but she said to just get her whatever. Liv could feel Nick was tense but didn't say anything since she didn't want to embarrass him or anything.

"So you think he'll be able to hold cover if we run into her?" Nick asked once Fin had disappeared inside the station.  
"He knows it's important," Liv just said as she didn't want to make him more tense by letting him know she figured it would be hard for Fin. Nick sat quiet for a while.  
"You don't think she's working the pole right?" he suddenly asked without looking back at Liv.  
"I think you need to be ready for anything," Liv said calmly. Nick stirred a little in his seat and fixed his jacket a little. He felt very uncomfortable in his clothes right now, everything seemed a little too snug.  
"We just need to find her," Liv said and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze before she leaned back again.

**A little later** Fin and Nick entered the strip club. There was a guard right inside the door, he said welcome and pointed to a sign that said 10 bucks. Fin covered them both and the guy let them walk by with just a nod. No pat down or anything. As they figured the place wasn't deserted at all even if the night was young. As soon as they'd passed the curtain that separated the actual club from the entrance and wardrobe area they were hit by a strobe light in bright pink and music blasting. Their eyes immediately went to the centre stage were a voluptuous black girl was swinging her hips to a song Fin knew very well. Candy shop with 50 cent.

Fin and Nick scanned the place quickly. The centre stage had a rather larger area at the beginning with dark red curtains around a mirror background. Three poles in front of the mirror wall so it was obviously used to hold more than one girl at the time. Then the stage stretched out about 33 feet with a pole at the end of it. Around the entire centre stage there were single seats with a thin shelf to put the drinks on.

Second wave had black, leather co-joint couches for either two or three people with a table in front of them. They had the bar to their right. They registered immediately that it wasn't the bartender they were looking for who was running it right now. This guy had a ponytail which was far from the bald headed man they were looking for. The bar had seats along it and there was a tinier, round stage with a pole right next to the bar. On the other side of the stage Fin spotted the room for lap dances, a curtain hid it partially. He also registered there was a red velvet door that had stairs leading up stairs. Fin figured that's where the champagne room was, or rooms that offered more than lap dances anyway. The place was far from packed but they estimated at least thirty heads around the room.

Furthers back from the stage, along the wall, were larger boxes that could hold larger companies and they had proper tables. Fin spotted a box in the corner that could hold only them though and he tapped Nick's arm and gestured with his head that he should follow. Other than the girl on stage and the bartender there was three waitress around. They all wore the same kind of skimpy outfit that showed more flesh than it hid. As soon as they had planted themselves one of the girls came up to them and flashed them a flirtatious smile.

"What can I get you?" she shouted over the music.  
"Rum and coke thanks," Fin answered with a smile. He knew it was important to keep management and waitress happy.  
"A beer thanks," Nick said next as he got the waitress eyes on him.  
"Planning to stay, want me to set up a tab for you?" she asked and Nick nodded.

"Thank you October," a female voice said as the music faded out and the black girl got up off the stage and exited with her top in hand. Fin had explained to Nick that this was most likely a topless club which meant not all nude girls and it seemed he'd been right since the girl still wore her bottoms even though Nick wouldn't quite agree they could be called bottoms but more a thread with a piece of fabric at the very front.  
"Get ready for the Florida twins gentlemen," the voice declared, "and while you're waiting please enjoy Temptress Tania over at the bar stage." Heads quickly spun around as a curvy brunette grabbed a hold of the pole by the bar. Cheers were heard as she immediately tore her top of and started swirling nipple tassels around. A guy quickly got down on the car right next to her and he got awarded a high heel on his chest as the Temptress kept swirling those tassels.

The waitress came back with their drinks and she bent forward as she spotted the dollar Fin had in his hand and he was able to insert in under her bra strap.  
"Thanks sweet cheeks," the girl mused.  
"Thank _you_. They'll keep coming if you keep serving," Fin winked. Nick couldn't help but smile as he was amused by Fin's polished behavior. He looked perhaps a little too familiar with the scene but Nick was thankful cause he felt very much out of place.

While the Temptress were still swirling her jugs the twins started their show on the main stage. They didn't really look like twins except for their outfits and wearing their hair the same way. One was inches taller than the other but they had a pretty good act Fin had to give them. But he didn't want to see twins, or a temptress or a girl named like a month. He wanted Amanda. Preferably not on stage but he would take her anyway she came.

They knew to drink slowly and the next round Fin made sure to order them each a glass of water so they could last the night if they had to. Nick called Liv up to make sure she was doing okay out in the car and also let her know there was no sign of the bartender or Amanda so far. As the hours passed the place started to get crowded and with that more working girls came around. Another bartender joined the first one as more drinks were ordered but again it wasn't the one they were searching for.

Fin and Nick turned down quite a few lap dances but Fin let them have dollars so they wouldn't get ticked off. The stage shows came neck to neck and at times involved up to three girls at the time. Drinks were going out steadily, men disappeared into the lap dance room only to come out looking rather satisfied and the room was literally boiling with excitement. A rather large group of young men came in at around 9 pm and it was obviously they were already rather wasted. The waitress had been joined by what looked like head waitress, they wore a little more fabric than the rest, and one of these approached the men. It looked like she gave them a warning since they almost immediately quiet down and seemed all apologetic. That wouldn't last for long though unfortunately.

But they lost Fin's attention when he finally saw something. The bald headed bartender they'd been looking for was behind the bar. He gave the very first bartender a squeeze as they seemed to swop places. It was no doubt this must be the one Cassidy was referring to. Nick had spotted him too and he told Fin he'd go refill their water glasses seeing how no waitress was around. Nick made sure he ended up at the side of the bar where their bald headed guy was serving. He didn't mind that a guy was placing a somewhat lengthy order in front of him cause that gave him the opportunity to snap a few shots of the bartender. Nick knew how to do it without getting caught. He found a flyer on the bar and grabbed it quickly.

"Sorry man but can I just get a refill on these waters?" Nick asked apologetic as he finally got the bartender's attention.  
"No worry man, need to stay dehydrated," the bartender smiled and brought up the hose and filled them right there at the bar.  
"You know if they have any good girls to hire?" Nick asked and held out the flyer hoping the guy would grab it for fingerprints. And of course he did, he seemed very service minded.  
"I don't know about good," he smiled a bit cheeky, "but I've heard they have girls." Nick chuckled and took the flyer back from the bartender, making sure he grabbed it by the bottom corner.  
"Thanks man," Nick shouted and managed to grab both glasses without getting the flyer stick to them. Once Nick was back at the table he carefully placed the flyer in his inner pocket on his jacket that was now lying next to him. He made sure the flyer didn't get bend more than necessary.

"You got him?" Fin asked as he leaned in. Nick nodded. He checked his phone and sent the best photos of the bartender to Liv and his personal e-mail before he wiped them from his phone. He did it just in case someone would look through it later on.  
"How was he?" Fin had to ask but Nick wasn't sure how to answer that one and Fin got it by the face Nick made. Fin just nodded and looked back down on the stage. He was just so curious at the man Amanda was apparently hooking up with.

The group of young men that had caused a bit of commotion earlier started acting up again and once they'd grabbed a few too many girls in all the wrong places the management seemed to have enough. Looked like they had a 'touch and go' policy that didn't stretch too much. They recognized the man from the door earlier but now he was accompanied by three just as muscled men and they swiftly and rather easily escorted the men out of there. It was rather surprising that it was that group that had caused most ruckus and after they left it was actually possible to have a conversation without shouting even with the loud music.

Fin was getting a bit restless and he leaned into Nick to ask if Liv had gotten back to him. Nick again shot him a strange face seeing how he'd sent her those photos like minutes ago and even though she had the laptop in the back of the car there wasn't really much she could do with them right now.

Fin tried to focus back at the stage but then of course the number was over and all he caught was a pair of butt cheeks leaving the stage. He thought about visiting the gents when the now male voice was heard over the music announcing the next act.

"Gentlemen get ready to get wowed. She'll literally blow your socks off. You know who I'm talking about. The ever alluring, please help me welcome to the stage, the enticing Shay." He let her name drag out as the crowd cheered, a few whistled, many obviously excited, moving to the front of their seats. Both Fin and Nick had their eyes on the stage. A light strobe hit their eyes, momentarily blinding them. All they could see was the shape of a slim figure that emerged from the side of the stage along with some smoke that made the figure even more vague to them. Another few cheers were heard as she took her stance with her back to the crowd in the center of the stage. The back light came on along with more smoke as the detectives were able to focus their eyes again. The music started pumping harder. She turned the same moment a strobe light hit her and Fin's eyes widen while Nick's jaw dropped a full inch.

The enticing Shay was no other than... Amanda.

* * *

**Whattcha think? Love or hate where I'm going with this? Pls let me know. And there's going to be a chapter, perhaps the next or at least soon, that will give Amanda's POV. So you won't miss what she's been up to while the others were 'seeking' her and even before that. I've been keeping a few things from you to keep some suspense but you'll get it in like a throw-back chapter. Stay awesome you guys!**


	6. The Dark Wood

**Sorry for the delay, I struggled & had to rewrite the part of this chapter that is Amanda's POV like three times since I wasn't pleased with it. Still not completely satisfied with it but it will pour into the next chapter so there will be time for penance. And this chapter is way long. Seems I'm trying to break my own record. Phew. **

**And I think I have to put a warning on this chapter and probably for the chapters to come. We're going dark (darker) just so you know. There will be flashbacks that will contain child abuse and since you'll also be getting Amanda's POV we're now entering an adult area so to speak. I tend to write very graphic and it feels wrong to sway from it even with gritty subjects. I tend to dwell on misery though so pls let me know if I take it too far, not too much in this chapter I think but in future there might be. I'll try and do my best to put warnings before upcoming chapters that might become very (very) dark. And after saying that... happy reading? ;)**

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Dark Wood**

* * *

The enticing Shay was no other than Amanda and even though they'd both been ready to find her in the club they hadn't been ready to find her quite like this.

"_Dirty, rotten, filthy, stinkin..._" a man's voice sang through the speakers. Fin couldn't recognize the song but he heard every vocal, every note, as Amanda swayed her hips to the beat. She was good. No she was amazing. She owned the stage from the very first second she entered it.

"_Tastes so good makes a grown man cry Sweet Cherry Pie,_" the man's voice sang out as Amanda strutted forward on the stage with a skirt so short any man would be tempted to see more. On top she wore a white shirt with folded up arms that made you think of Britney Spears in that first music video of hers. Amanda's hair was out though and went down below her shoulders in sultry waves. She wore high black heels with fine net stockings that were held up by a garter belt. She reached the first pole and clung on to it tilting her body to one side as the man sang "_Swingin' to the left_" and then made a spin with her leg hooked around the pole as he sang "_and swingin' to the right_". The crowd cheered and whistled as she took a step back only to launch herself forward and took a few spins around the pole. They cheered even louder though as she let go of the pole and strutted forward on stage at the same time as she ripped her white shirt open. Fin's eyes would have grown wider if it was humanly possible but it wasn't. She wore a corset underneath made of pink satin that pushed up her breasts and the white lace at the top barely covered up her nipples. She came up to the very front of the stage and slowly pulled the shirt completely off one arm at the time.

"_She wanted me to feed her_," the man sang and Amanda got her arms up in the air, swayed her body back and forth as she squatted down. She got down on her knees and hands and crawled towards a man on the side of the stage. The man looked very content as Amanda grabbed his arm and then licked the palm of his hand as the man sang "_And she licked the beater_". The crowd on that side of the stage whistled as she pushed the man's hand down to her breasts and then helped him to grab the sheer fabric and pull it down so her nipple got exposed.

Amaro had been mesmerized ever since Amanda first entered the stage but now it got a little too real and he managed to pull his eyes from her and over Fin's way. Fin did not manage to pull his eyes away though and Amaro's eyes wandered back too as he heard a disappointed sound from the crowd around the stage. Amanda had let the man's hand go and with that the fabric covered her nipple up again. She smiled in a sultry way as she got back on her feet and started to make her way back towards the pole again.

"_I scream, you scream, we all scream for her. Don't even try 'cause you can't ignore her_," the music played on as Amanda took a spin around the pole. She made a few limber moves around the pole that were really impressive. She got her skirt up a few times, exposing the tiny g-string she wore underneath. The men cheered like hungry wolves every time they got a glimpse. She rewarded men that leaned in to the stage with an extra glimpse and she seemed to enjoy the power she had up there. She came back forward on the stage again as the music pumped "_She's my cherry pie, cool drink of water such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie_."

Amaro shied his head down a little as Amanda started to pull the string in her corset. It felt like he was intruding but still couldn't tear his eyes away completely. Fin wasn't sure how he felt but now that he had eyes on his missing partner there was no way he would let her out of his sight.

She was stringing up her corset and then left it hanging open which exposed her breasts every now and then as she moved to the music; "_She's my cherry pie. Put a smile on your face ten miles wide. Looks so good bring a tear to your eye, sweet cherry pie_." She had obviously danced to this song before as she knew how to move to it. She was really getting down and dirty to the music as it seemed the act was coming to a close. At one point she was down on her knees and then laid down on her back with her legs folded underneath her. She was very limber. The corset slid off to the sides as she made a move that looked as her heart was pounding out of her chest. She made her way up to her feet again and then with one swift move she tore her skirt completely off as the speaker blasted "_Swing it!_" only to go completely silent and the lights went off as the crowd gave applauds.

Fin watched her hug the torn skirt to her chest and at the same time grabbed a few dollars off the stage as she left the stage through the smoke. He had expected her to make a round on the floor to collect tips but she left with only the dollars that were already tucked in her g-string. He rose to go after her but Amaro stopped him by lunging out his arm in front of him.  
"What are you doing?" he asked and Fin gave him a strange look.  
"I'm going to talk to her," he said and thought it was obvious.  
"You can't just walk back there," Amaro said and looked around a little to make sure no one was watching them. Fin looked back over at the stage but then sat back down as he realized Amaro had a point.

A waitress was nearby and Fin waved her over.  
"Sir?" she smiled as she got closer.  
"You have a champagne room right?" Fin asked and got an even wider smile from the girl.  
"Yes sir."  
"That girl who was just on stage, the blonde, can we get her?"  
"Shay? I think so, I'll send someone over 'key?" Fin stopped her before she could leave though.  
"She's new right?" he asked taking the opportunity to dig a little.  
"Depends on your definition of new. Like a month and a half I think," the girl smiled.  
"Yeah I thought so, haven't been around for a few weeks and I can't remember seeing her before. She's beautiful."  
"She sure is and you're not the only one who think so, so I better hurry to send the floor manager over if you wanna book her," the girl winked and headed back to the bar. Fin followed her with his eyes hoping to get a glimpse on how things were run around here but he lost her as she went inside the back room.

"One and a half month," Amaro whispered loud enough so only Fin could hear him. "That's before she even said she left for Atlanta." He was stating the obvious, Fin had already figured it out and it was spinning around his head. How had she managed to pull that one by him? A few pieces fell in place though. That glitter on her cheek that morning in the bunks, her new hair-do and her being tired all the time.

"Hey there, understand you're interested in Shay?" Fin got interrupted from his thoughts as a woman spoke. She had approached without him noticing. Amaro had seen her though and greeted her with a smile. She was a little bit older than the waitress and she carried a little book that told them she was in charge of the girls tonight.  
"Uhm yeah," Fin found himself rather quickly.  
"Okay, she's one of our popular ones as you might understand. Pure blondes tend to be," she winked at them before she looked down in her book.  
"She has an opening at 11.45 will that work for you?"  
"How long do we get her for?"  
"It's the both of you?" the woman asked and Fin nodded.  
"Well it's thirty minutes."  
"Can you book a double?"  
"I'm afraid she has to be on stage at a quarter after," the woman looked at them with a sympathetic face.  
"What if we pay extra?" Fin tried. The woman smiled again.  
"Eager," she whispered and had another look in her book. She flipped a few pages and then went back to the original page.  
"How about an extra fifteen and a whole bottle for 200?" the woman suggested and Fin immediately went for his wallet. He handed her five Franklins without hesitation and the woman said someone would be around to fetch them when it was time.  
"You have any preferences?" she asked before she left. Fin gave her a look.  
"Want her to dress a certain way?" she suggested. Fin shook his head.  
"We take her any way she comes," he smiled and she walked off.

"Visit strip clubs often?" Amaro had to ask seeing how Fin had known the normal price without asking.  
"I've been around," Fin just said and downed the rest of his drink. He checked his watch even though he'd just checked it. He was eager. Eager to ask Amanda straight up what the hell was going on.

Nick let him be and sent Liv a text letting her know they'd spotted Amanda. He'd hesitated how he should describe what they were up to and just wrote that they'd booked a meeting with her at 11.45 hoping that Liv would get it.

They had to sit through a rather large number of stage shows. Amanda made a brief appearance not long after her first but this time in the company of two other ladies. They took turns at the front pole but Fin kept his eyes on her wherever she went. He gritted his teeth whenever he saw a man stick a dollar down any of her remaining piece of clothing even though she didn't seem to have any problem with it. After the dance the ladies took a little walk around the stage to collect even more tips. They didn't need to fear exposition though since the girls only moved around the closest tables.

Fin had ordered another drink and Nick saw him down it a little too fast. Nick was just hoping that wouldn't be a problem later on. Last thing he needed was a drunk partner as they were confronting their sprung one. Fin seemed calm and collected though when a waitress came around to fetch them. She put a 'Reserved' sign on their table and then, with a bright smile on her face, told them to follow her.

They were passing the lap dance room as they headed towards the champagne room and Nick couldn't help but through a look inside. He'd never gotten a lap dance, couldn't say he was keen for one but was still curious to see one live and not just in a movie or something. He saw like four guys in there, all of them on a chair each and straddled by a female. There was a meaty guy at the entrance and he shot Nick a suspicious eye and Nick just shot him a nervous smile and then looked away. The waitress had grabbed a bucket with a bottle from a table below the staircase they were apparently walking up. She picked up another bottle and carried it with her in her free hand.

"This way gentlemen," she smiled over her shoulder as she walked through the velvet fabric that draped the entrance to the stairs. The entire staircase was painted red and it had a different smell. Where they came from there was a smell of testosterone but here it was all ladies perfume and there was a bit of a breeze coming from above. Nick felt anything but calm and collected once they approached an open door. He actually feared facing Amanda now, not knowing how she would react to their presence. She wasn't in the room they could both conclude rather quickly though. The waitress put the bucket on the table that stood in-between two cushioned chairs and asked them to take a seat. She went to fetch two glasses from a shelf on the wall. Fin took one chair and made it easy for Nick to slip down on the other one. The waitress came back with the glasses and started to pour champagne into them.

"So Shay will let you know when times running out. You have forty five minutes as you know," she said and handed Fin his glass. He gave her a nod and then tasted the champagne. She was saying something else but neither Fin nor Nick paid any attention as they'd heard a familiar laugh out in the hall and behind the waitress they saw someone with blonde hair enter. Nick met Amanda's eyes the moment before he had to turn his eyes away as he was fumbling when he reached for the glass that was handed to him.

Fin had her pinned down with his eyes though. He spotted the brief moment of shock and then he recognized that crossed look she got whenever she got angry. She kept a straight face though, said nothing.  
"Well enjoy your lady gentlemen," the waitress smiled and let her hand swipe over Amanda's stomach as she left, closing the door behind her. A few moments went by with a staring match that Nick wasn't involved in, Fin and Amanda had a corner each in this fight.

Nick couldn't help but swipe his eyes over her body meanwhile. She wore yet another outfit. This one was skimpy to start with. Black high heels that made her fishnet stocking clothed legs look longer than he'd ever seen. The stockings ended well below the short black skirt she had on and they were held up by a garter belt with red lace strings. Her midsection was bare and then came a black and deep red corset that barely covered her nipples. Her shoulders were bare but then she wore long, black gloves with a red cross seem for a pattern. Her hair was out, flowing blonde locks going down her back, pushed back by a black satin ribbon. Her face was covered with make-up but in a way that elevated her natural beauty. Her lips were deep red and Nick watched as her tongue made a brief visit to her lower lip and that made him, thankfully, look up just as her eyes swayed from Fin's over to his own. It seemed Fin had won the staring match.

No one had really noticed that music had started playing, something the waitress had seen to. Amanda took a bit of a wider stance which made her seem even more in control of the situation and she started to peel off her gloves as she looked down and shook her head a little.

"So there's a camera in the corner by the door," she said and both men knew better than to look straight at it.  
"Someone is watching us but they can't hear us. Management is too cheap for that. You can touch me but up to a point or someone will come in here," Amanda had gotten her gloves off and looked back up at them, letting her eyes wander between the two. She had her gloves in one hand and slapped them a little against her own thigh.

"So I'm going to have to give at least one of you a lap dance," she said looking less than thrilled. Nick looked a little stunned as he saw Fin point Nick's way. He had not signed up for that.

Amanda kept her eyes glued on Fin for a while, keeping that stern face of hers but then her eyes wandered over to Nick. Nick met her eyes and he saw a cheeky smile spread across her face. It made him nervous. He watched her swipe her tongue over her lips and he swallowed hard as she started to walk towards him with those legs of hers.

"Can I have some of that?" she asked once her knees were close enough to touch his. It took a while for him to register just exactly what she had asked for as he felt a bit light headed. Once he got it he nodded and handed her the glass. She looked Fin's way and then swept the entire glass at once. She then extended her hand towards Fin and said;

"You mind refilling it, I have a feeling your boy will need it once I'm done with him." Nick felt very much like a piece in battle here and wasn't sure how he felt about it. Fin took a few seconds but then took the glass from her. She pouted her lips a little at Fin and then turned her attention back to Nick. Nick couldn't help but swallow hard again, he regretted now that he hadn't had more to drink downstairs after all. He felt as though he needed that entire champagne bottle now that Amanda spread her legs and moved herself up above his lap.

"You think you're ready for me?" she asked in a very seductive way as she put her gloves around his neck. All he could do was stare at her and just try and keep his brain cool, and the rest of himself cool as well. She pulled at her gloves a little as she sat down which made his face come very close to her body and for a few second he found himself staring right down her cleavage. She started to move slowly to the music. He felt her thighs against his even though he tried to push his legs together to get away from her. Parts of him didn't feel like getting away oddly enough though and he felt very uncomfortable.

"What are you doing Amanda?" Fin finally asked and Nick felt a bit relieved as it immediately caught her attention and she turned her head towards Fin with a distressed look over her face.  
"Shay!" she said through greeted teeth. "You tryin' to kill me?" Fin put his glass to his lips but before he took a zip he asked;  
"Isn't that what you're already trying to accomplish?" She'd kept moving a little the entire time and now turned her attention back to Nick again. She got down closer to him, close enough he felt her breath on the side of his neck. It sent shivers down his body that he couldn't ignore. He took a deep breath.

"I'm just trying to make a living," she whispered as she came eye to eye with Nick. "I've heard I'm pretty good at it," she smiled at him and seemed to look for acknowledgment. He was unable to speak though and it got even harder to breath as he found his face more or less in her cleavage again. He tried to clear his throat a little but it still seemed something was stuck down there.

"C'mon... Shay," Fin decided to give her that at least, "we're here let us help you out."  
"I don't need help, I'm perfectly fine," she answered back quickly, "ain't I Nick, ain't I fine?" She placed a kiss right by Nick's ear as she sat back down. Nick found himself wishing he'd put on briefs and not boxers that morning and that fact got even more evident as she rubbed herself above him. He had to put his hands on her hips to try and get some distance between them. It had no affect though as she kept moving above him but now with a big grin on her face that she tried to control by biting down on her lip only adding to his attraction level to her at right this moment.

"Stop with the act will you," Fin begged her.  
"I'm not acting, this is who I am now," Amanda said and shot Fin a side glance before she turned her attention back to Nick.

"I bring pleasure to horny men," she said with a bit of a slur and the next moment Nick felt her hand on his manhood as she pushed herself up to stand. She gave him a face that told him she'd felt what he already was feeling. She turned her back to him as she started to dance again. Nick took the time to take a deep breath and reached out for Fin to give him his glass back. Fin was slow to respond and of course he hadn't refilled it so Nick reached over to do so. Amanda meanwhile was getting her hands up above her head lifting her hair off her neck and seductively moving her hips back and forth as she got down and dirty.

"We know exactly what you're up to," Fin said.  
"Well of course honey, you watching me do what I do right this minute," she said and twirl around. Nick almost put his drink in the wrong pipe as he felt her hands on his knees and he held on tight to his drink as she came up with her knees on his lap. He found himself grasping with his free hand around her so she wouldn't fall off him but it seemed she knew exactly what she was doing. She grabbed his hand with the glass and guided it to her own lips. Some champagne spilled and she licked it off the side of her mouth. He closed his own mouth as he saw her eyes wander down to it and again he felt like he was making a fool of himself as she smiled. She leaned even further in to him, she was so close he felt her breath against his own lips and he started to get cross-eyed as he tried to look at her.

"Stop toying with him," Fin muttered.  
"Jealous are we?" Amanda smiled without pulling back. Nick was now trying to go back through his chair to get away from her.  
"We're here to help you."  
"Do I look like I need help?" Amanda asked with some attitude and to Nick's relief turned her head towards Fin.  
"Yes you do," Fin said staring her down. Amanda's look of anger quickly went back to a smile again as her eyes wandered over Fin's body.  
"I think you're the one that needs help," she said and Nick felt even more relieved as she stepped down off him. Amanda pranced over to Fin and had to spread her legs widely as he made no attempt to help her get to his lap. Amanda had fun with it lifting her skirt up high and she bit down on her lower lip with a big smile on her face.

"Relieve some tension in that big, bad body of yours," she whispered as she let her lip go. She let her skirt go right in front of his face, she was so close the skirt brushed against his face as she did this. Fin didn't even blink, just kept staring at her with a stern looking face.  
"You just do what you have to, to try and push us away but we will still be here afterwards," Fin said and he could tell it got to her even if it was evident on her face just for a brief second. She'd gotten her arms up around his neck and she flipped her hair a little so it brushed up against his face.

"Oh c'mon detective, aren't I just your type. Pouty lips, big hair, slutty outfit. I'm just missing the rack right. You like 'em big don't you bad boy. But you know what," she said and blew some air right in his face, "with the money I'm making here I'll be able to buy 'em before summer ends. I can be just your type."  
"I like you just the way you are, or were," Fin said with a breeze and Nick couldn't figure out how he could play it so cool when he himself was like putty in her hands.

"But she was such a sad character don't you think," she said and got up off his lap and started to dance in front of him. "All work, no play. I like this person so much more." She let her hands move up and down her body, lifting her skirt ever so often. She approached Nick again and he pulled back in his chair a little and crossed his legs. Amanda giggled a little but didn't make an attempt for his lap again. Instead she danced around him a little. Nick felt her hair brush up against him every now and then. He could smell her too. She smelled like jasmine, it suited her.

"Why didn't you tell me what you were up to?" Fin asked once he got tired of her carrying on her game.  
"I didn't want to give you an opportunity to talk me out of it, I knew you wouldn't approve of my new career choice," she said as she came back to dancing in front of them.  
"We know you're going after the Mayhem choker," Fin said bluntly. He saw her eyes briefly go by the camera up in the corner, he figured she was nervous someone would find out what she was up to.  
"Have you traced him to this club?" Fin asked with his glass to his lip just in case someone was looking in closely.  
"I don't know what you're talking about," Amanda said a bit flippant.  
"There's another way to do this Am…," Fin quiet down before he finished saying her name.

"Oh you wanna see something else? Something more perhaps?" she said with a smile and again had her eyes set at Nick. He shook his head a little as her hands went up to the string in her corset. She crept closer to him as she undid the bow in her corset. She was about to get up on his lap again and Nick wasn't sure what to do with himself. Fin came to his rescue as he had enough. He rose up and grabbed a hold of her wrist. She gave him an angry stare but then tried to laugh at the same time.

"Stop. Playing. With. Us," Fin said straight into her face and very slowly hoping she would get it. Get that there was no way they would give up on her.  
"I'm not. Just get it will ya. Geesh," she said and tried to bend her wrist out of his grip but he held on tightly.  
"You're not fooling me with this act," Fin let her know.  
"It's not an act damn it, this is what I do now," she kept insisting and trying to get out of his hold on her. Nick was just sitting there feeling completely useless. Fin was about to say something when the door bust open.

"Let her go," a heavy set man said loudly as he came rushing in.  
"Justin it's okay," Amanda said quickly at the same time as Fin let her go. She took a step around and faced the recently arrived man. She gave him a smile and a nod to reassure him.  
"Really, I'm fine. It's just a case of rivalry between these blokes," she said and threw a glance over her shoulder.  
"My bad," Fin admitted and threw his hands in the air as he took a step back. Justin turned his eyes back to Amanda.  
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked and she gave him another nod.  
"I can finish, no problem," she said.  
"I want you in your seats, one more breach and your session is over," Justin said and directed it towards Fin. He sat down immediately and made sure Justin knew he'd heard him. Fin was actually happy to see they had her back. Reluctantly Justin left and closed the door behind him.

"Pour me another glass?" Amanda asked once she faced Fin again. He poured a glass for her and held it out towards her. She said thanks as she took it from him and she drank, this time a little slower.  
"You know I won't just leave you here," Fin said and for the first time looked more sad than angry. Amanda had a rather cocky stance with one arm around her stomach and the other one holding the glass right underneath her lip.

"I don't need saving Fin. I went through something traumatic and I realized I needed a change. This is my change and believe me, I'm having so much more fun these days," she had walked over to him and straddled him. Nick saw Fin's hands move up around her behind as she sat down.  
"I buy the traumatic but not the change," Fin answered.  
"Well I don't know what else to tell you, I can't give you more than the truth," she said and took another zip of her drink. Fin watched her closely, looked for signs of untruthfulness that he could bust her on. But she played her part to perfection. He tried another couple of ways to lure her, to get her to sell herself out but she had answers for everything he threw at her.

Meanwhile Nick was just watching them and how natural they looked. He couldn't imagine himself sitting there if the roles were reversed, if it had been his partner going of the deep end. Not that he could imagine Olivia pulling something like this but then again he'd never in a thousand years thought Rollins could go this far either.

"I have to leave you now," Amanda finally said and finished her drink. She handed Fin the glass as she got up off him.  
"Feel free to stay, I'll be on stage in a few minutes. It's a real show stopper I've been told," she gave Nick a wink. Fin didn't try to stop her from leaving. He looked a little defeated in Nick's eyes. Both remained in their chairs not really knowing where to go from here.

Amanda kept her smile as she left the room but the second she turned the corner she felt as though the air left her body. Justin stepped out from the surveillance room and she had to hold it together for a few seconds more as he asked her if everything had gone okay. She gave him a nod and the best smile she could achieve now as it felt as though she was about to implode. She hurried to pass him so she could let her face drop. She felt like dying.

She knew this had been a possibility, that her squad, at least her partner, might catch up to her. She'd done her best to hide her tracks but she also knew she worked with the best. They were known as an elite squad after all. But she had hoped that they would not find her, that they would let her work in peace. Maybe, just maybe, if they'd gotten here sooner. Then maybe she could have let them help her out but now it was too late. She was too deep, too far gone. There was no way she would let them know what she'd done to track this killer. How low she'd sunk. She bit her cheek so hard she drew blood as memories from last night flushed over her. Her insides were twisting with disgust when she thought of it and she had to rush into the bathroom to puke. But even after she'd emptied herself the filth and stains were left on the inside. She could never tell anyone what had happen and she'd do anything to protect herself and her secrets. The day after her sister had died and today were proof that a day really could make a whole lot of difference.

* * *

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (_Revelation 21:4_)

* * *

**Amandas POV**

Something severe broke inside of her that day on the pavement. A huge piece was missing inside and she knew she would never get it back. It was lost forever.

First it had hurt tremendously. She hadn't even been able to hold the pain inside. It was like nothing she'd ever experienced before. The loss of her sister was the most painful thing she'd ever experienced.

And it wasn't like she hadn't experienced pain before. Or that she'd been broken before. She grew up broken. Pieces broke in children every time a parent raised their hand to their child. Every time a father promised something but failed for the thousandth time. Every time an offensive word is shouted in a child's ear. She grew up feeling like she could shatter in pieces at any time. She tried to mend the pieces with band-aids, literally. But then she realized it was something else holding her together, some kind of magic glue. And that glue was her sister. She'd been the only reason to stick around. To fight. To stand up, or at least try to stand up, towards the pain and suffering brought to her. Having her sister and some kind of foolhardy pride took her through childhood and into adolescence.

The teenage years were if possible even worse. All the doubt and hormones that puberty rewarded you along with everything else. Rage she already had but also had learnt to contain. Not like her mother or sister. They contained nothing. No the teens were more about the brain maturing and realizing that what you felt growing up - the looks, feeling like an outsider, like a bad seed - was actually true. That was what everyone thought of you. She couldn't wait to get away from it all.

As her sister had spun out of control, she was just too much to handle even for Amanda, college was a way out. She stayed in state though so she was in driving distance just in case. It was weird living in a dorm room though. She learnt rather quickly she didn't have to walk on eggshells around there, she didn't really have to watch her back every second. She still did though but managed to feel free somehow anyway. Kim brought chaos to campus at times but Amanda took it and did her best to contain it as usual.

It wasn't until she entered the police academy that she actually felt like the pieces were starting to mend. The camaraderie gave her some sense of belonging and she realized she might not be such a bad person after all. She'd seen signs of that in college too. People didn't seem to find her so disgusting, so worthless as she'd grown up hearing she was. She realized the girls in her softball team in high school might actually had liked her too, it wasn't just something she'd imagined. It made her sad to think about though. It felt like such a waste. Maybe she could have felt a bit better if she'd realized this earlier. So she decided to just move on. Not think about the past. She would never think of herself as a victim. Not that it was anything wrong with being or becoming a victim. It could happen to anyone, just not her. Anyone else could cry but not her. Crying would make her look weak and weak she would never ever be again.

But she had cried that day on the pavement. The day when she broke completely and later when she managed to put herself together there was a huge piece missing. The piece that was her sister. She couldn't believe she'd let herself fall apart like that. And in front of the captain as well. And Fin. Olivia. Amaro. But she figured they would understand. Her sister had after all died. People were allowed to cry when someone died right. But then she started to tear up again as she ached for that part that was her sister. That missing part. So she bit down. Needed to focus on something else so she wouldn't break apart again. Loose her face in front of the others.

She had no idea why she'd suspected her sister had been murdered or why she'd been screaming about it at the site like a crazy person. But then she started to think about it. Maybe she was murdered. Kim always landed on her feet. She'd come out screaming and kicking out the most ridiculous situations. Someone must have done this to her. That gave her something to do, to occupy herself with so she wouldn't have to feel that pain of that missing piece. She clung on to that. She went on a mission.

At first she thought she might just be grasping at straws. Nothing really pointed to a murder and every suspect seemed to get cleared. Amanda had called Atlanta, asked some of her former squad mates to make sure Jeff had nothing to do with her sister's death. She trusted them when they said he didn't. Later she would still call him up herself though. She was angry at the time and needed to blow off steam. Even if he wasn't guilty this time around he'd been guilty in the past. He deserved whatever shit came flying his way and that's what she told him once she got a hold of him. She might have been a little intoxicated at the time and that might have made her come across a little too harsh but she still had no regrets.

Cassie and Bobby had been suspects of course but detective Radnor looked into it and Amanda saw the report. They had solid alibis and even though she wanted to she couldn't hold them guilty to her sister's death.

She had given Cassie her card but still got rather surprised when she actually called her up that Friday. She'd just wanted to check in she said at first, wanted to make sure Amanda was still doing okay. Amanda thought it was sweet of her but her detective instincts also told her something else was on Cassie's mind. When she tried to probe Cassie had asked if they could meet a little later. Amanda had driven her sister's body to the airport earlier and then spent the rest of the day just trying to keep her chin above the surface to get through the day. The thought of Cassie having something for her to grasp on to gave her a well needed boost to get through the day.

At first Cassie had just wanted to talk about Kim and how Amanda was handling her sister's loss. But Amanda didn't want to talk about that and quickly turned the table on her and asked how she was doing with her death and then Cassie had crumbled in an instance. And then she'd started talking. Opened up about everything. She wasn't directly responsible for Kim's death but she feared she had been the intended target. It seemed Cassie was holding a lot of secrets and Amanda was willing to listen to them all. Cassie wasn't just a waitress, that was mostly a front for what she actually did. She was an escort and a stripper. She worked at a strip joint in Queens called Bare Assets and had been for several years. One of the owners also ran an escort service and she'd been a part of his stable for years too.

Cassie told Amanda she came to New York in her early 20's to get away from her drunk mother and, of course, also with dreams to become famous. But she'd soon found out it was hard and that big dreams along with a little talent wouldn't take her anywhere in the business. She'd tried dance auditions on Broadway but struck out over and over again. When someone finally had spotted her though and told her she was very pretty and that she should try modeling she jumped at the idea as she was in desperate need of money by then. A few months later she was starring in porn flicks and it went even more downhill from there even if Bare Assets was one of the best joints she worked at.

She'd lost all hopes of ever living a normal life away from the sex industry when she met Bobby three years ago and fell head over heels in love. She started to have dreams again, they started to have dreams together. A house somewhere away from New York, normal jobs and maybe even kids. Bobby was also in the business. He was doing porn, gay porn, and other things that involved selling his body. They were unable to carry normal jobs for longer periods since they both had drug habits that cost more than they earn doing any nine to five jobs. So they did what they had to do to be able to save some money so they one day could get out of this rotten business.

It was really sad for Amanda to hear Cassie's story but she wasn't surprised. She'd heard this same story plenty of times now, both in New York and back home in Atlanta. But then she learnt something new.

Cassie had started to get threats. And not just the usual, almost every day kind from odd customers, it wasn't a safe business but this was something different. Something that felt much more real and scary. It had started with a simple note given to her in her dressing room at Bare Assets. It simply read _'BE MY VICTIM'_. She'd felt it was odd but thought nothing more of it and just thrown it away. Then she'd gotten another one, this time stuck under her door at home. Same message but this time in cut out letters like those ransom letters you saw in movies or on TV. She'd shown Bobby and they'd talked about going to the police but since neither of them really trusted the police they had in the end done nothing more than be a little more on guard. Then she'd gotten attacked outside the club. A man jumped her and dragged her further in to the alley. He pulled her into this empty lot behind the club. He'd worn a mask and gloves but she'd seen a part of his arm and knew he was white. And he had no accent when he spoke. He'd said _'you are my victim'_. She'd tried to fight him off as he pulled at her clothes. She thought she'd seen a second man standing around but she wasn't completely sure since she'd been under such distress.

A homeless man had saved her. She'd seen him around the club a few times, pushing his trolley in front of him. He'd started shouting and the man had let her go and run away. She wasn't sure what happen to the second man if there even were one. She'd picked her things up and ran out of there quickly. She had of course told Bobby what happen, but again they'd decided to not tell anyone figuring the police wouldn't believe a stripper anyway. They would just say she was asking for it. This had happen less than a week before Kim died.

Amanda had been in complete detective mode by now. She recognized some of the things Cassie were telling her from a specific serial killer's MO. Amanda had knowledge about almost any open case in the city of New York, and even some out there in the rest of the country. She had plenty of spare time since she didn't have many hobbies, and she loved her job, so she spent free time reading up on the police logs and open case files. She often brought work home with her and being tech savvy she'd fixed so she could get access to her work computer from home and that way get into the system whenever she wanted to follow a lead or look up a suspect. She might be a little over ambitious but she didn't see any harm in this, work calmed her down so what harm could it do.

After meeting Cassie she didn't head home though, she drove back to the station and got on the computer. She quickly found the case she was looking for. One of this specific killer's victims had received a threat just like Cassie's. Be my victim. And two of the victims had reported assaults just a few days prior to their disappearance. And, most importantly, his victims had all been blonde and blue eyed.

Soon her desk became too small of an area to work on so she moved her things into one of the interrogation rooms. That way she could also get away from the curious eyes in the squad room, she could feel them throwing looks her way but not really daring to approach her.

Soon though the table in the interrogation room became too small as well and she started on the floor. Once she got tired of crawling around on her hands and knees she started taping things up on the walls. She'd hardly slept, crashed in the bunks at times and all she could remember eating was a couple of stale donuts left behind by the coffee machine. When Amaro walked in that Monday morning she'd been going at it for several straight hours already. And she'd been very eager to tell anyone so she immediately started filling him in on the Mayhem choker case. Amaro didn't seem to pay that much attention to what she was saying though and she got somewhat irritated that he wouldn't listen. It was just like him to not take her serious. She'd followed him out into the squad room, talking rapidly and gesturing wildly. She knew how she could get when she got a bit too excited or engaged but she couldn't tone it down just now even if she wanted to. But she didn't want to either. She wanted them to catch this guy. This guy that wasn't just the slayer of at least five women, probably up to twenty, but also the man who killed her sister. She was dead certain of this now.

Liv and Cragen had walked in and Amanda wasn't sure if it was her or Nick that managed to get them to walk down to the interrogation room again. Amanda went around the room quickly, pointing to the case reports, the missing posters and trying to fill them in as quickly as possible. No more time could be wasted. This guy needed to be stopped.

When, yet again, no one seemed to listen to her she got agitated but her captain's hand in the air had silenced her quickly. He'd told her to take a breath, to breathe, to calm down. And with that she knew he wasn't seeing it. He didn't see what she saw. But in fairness she hadn't been able to tell him what Cassie had told him either so he might not see the connection. But then when she tried to tell him that hand went up again and he wouldn't let her finish her sentence. He wouldn't let her tell him what was so important. And then Fin walked in. Not until then did she register the look in everyone's eyes. They all thought she was crazy. She'd seen it before. She heard the echoes in her head; "_The crazy Rollins sisters. Look at them. Crazy like their mother. Wasted like their dad. Cuckoo crazy. Why don't you just go and die already_." For a moment she saw those kids amongst her co-workers. They were all over the room but then the little people vaporized into mist and she realized her tired mind was just playing tricks on her. Fin said something to her, she couldn't really register what though. She just let him take her out of there and the next time she registered anything she was sitting in the car next to him.

He'd told her to play it smarter and she knew he was right. Why hadn't she? Why did she give the rest a chance to think she was going crazy? She knew she had to be smarter, faster, better than everyone else. No she would play it smarter from now. Get definite proof and not until then would she bring it up again. She got in touch with the sergeant in charge of the Mayhem case. She thread lightly with him too and whenever she felt she was getting a head of herself she dug her nail down into her own wrist or whatever piece of flesh that was close to her finger and it got her to sober up quickly.

Fin of course helped her get back to work, talked to their captain for her and then she had to make up a story on why she wasn't going back home to Atlanta just yet. She had no idea why she'd brought up her father, that was such a stupid thing since it would be rather easy for anyone to pick a hole at that lie. But it worked well on her captain at least, she could see the shift in his eyes and knew he wouldn't probe more. The plan was still to fill him in, as well as the rest of the squad. She would just get proof and then she'd bring them on. But everything just piled up so quickly and she got sucked in so rapidly it was hard for her to grasp it all. And once she was in, there was just no way back out.

She'd taken a few more days to go through everything and Sergeant Eli Hetfield gave her some insight that wasn't in the records. They had no real suspect for the murders. Men had been questioned but they'd been ruled out one by one. She still kept their images etched in her mind though and she was fully on guard that first time she walked up to the strip club. It was early and the place was closed though. She tried the door even though she could read they weren't open yet. She'd lingered a bit and that's when she noticed the sign by the door. Auditions. They were holding auditions in just two days. She was tracing the words with her finger when she suddenly got interrupted by a man's voice. She jumped and felt her cheeks flush immediately as she caught the man's smiling face.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," he said. Amanda shook her head quickly and nervously swiped a lose strand of hair behind her ear.  
"Don't worry about it, my fault," she said.  
"You thinking of auditioning?" he asked and leaned against the wall as he took a drag of his cigarette. He had a very urbane look about him. She threw a glance at the poster and then back at him again.

"I was looking for a waitress job, not sure I have the right assets for that," her eyes went down to her own chest. Growing up she'd never seen a problem with small breasts, it was actually a benefit when you were into sports. But then growing older she'd always wished she just had a little more to show upstairs. Not that she paid that much attention to it but the thought had crossed her mind at times. And when she thought of a stripper she definitely thought of a good rack.

She caught the guy checking her chest out and felt embarrassed that she'd directed his attention there.  
"Oh I think what you got is plenty enough," he smiled as his eyes came back up to meet hers. She'd never been good with compliments, wasn't even sure that's what he'd given her but it did make her smile a little awkwardly as she felt her cheeks burn slightly.  
"You're cute," he said as she managed to look at him again, "but I'm sure you hear that all the time." Amanda had to look away again and she probably shook her head a little without registering it.

"Men are just cowards, and jerks. Believe me you would be perfect for it. You like dancing?" he asked and Amanda flipped her shoulders casually.  
"I guess," she said.  
"You can't be shy though, and with your body you shouldn't be," he gave her a smile and then a wink as she peeked at him a little. He was rather cute. Very much her type. That strong, manly type. He definitely worked out and she liked what he had on. Jeans and a washed out brand tee. His head was shaved and it suited him. He had a tribal tattoo up his arm and she could see the end of it just by his neck. She caught herself wondering if he had any more tattoos. 'Get a grip Amanda' she thought to herself and put her hands in her back pockets to straighten up a little.

"You should totally do it, pays better than waitressing too," he said as he got off the wall and looked as though he was leaving. But he just faced out towards the street and took a drag of his cigarette. She peeked at him a little from underneath her bangs. Yeah he looked like he had plenty of self-confidence and it was very attractive.

"I hope I see you around," he said without looking at her. "My name's Scott. I'm one of the bartenders." Amanda swallowed and tried to hide her excitement. Cassie had told her about him. He was the go-to-guy at the club. He knew everyone and what was going on. Apparently he liked blondes too and Amanda had just found this out for herself.

"You have a name?" he asked and looked at her again.  
"Shay," she said after just a slight hesitation. He held her eyes with his for a couple of long seconds. Amanda felt flustered under his intense look.  
"Shay," he then repeated and nodded a little, "well I hope I'll see you again Shay. I think you'd be magnificent up there in the spotlight." She caught his eyes going down and then back up her body quickly before he shot her a smile and then walked away towards the side of the building. He shot her a look before he turned the corner though and back was that cute smile of his.

She took a breath and then took another look at that poster. Stripping. Could she really pull that one off? Cassie had been stripping, guess it made most sense she would too. She'd tried pole dancing once as they were trying out new classes at her gym. It had been harder than Amanda thought it would be, definitely more straining than it looked. She wasn't sure if they still had classes and try-outs were in only two days. She didn't have much time to prepare herself. She rushed back to the station and checked the computer. She found a class later that night not far from where she lived and she made sure she caught it. She came in early and went in a head of everyone just to start to get a feel of the pole. She picked up as much as she could from the instructor.

Once she was home, had showered and slipped into some casual clothes she tried putting on some… well sexy music. She had a CD that Fin had made for her as he tried to get her into rap music. When he put it on in the car she'd actually blushed because the lyrics were so offensive.

"You have to listen beyond that, get into the rhythm," Fin had said and then added with a cheeky smile; "The lyrics are just the filthy bonus." She tried to forget that now as she wasn't sure what Fin would think of this idea of hers. She would try it out she thought to herself and then she would tell him. But of course that 'then' never came.

She felt a bit silly as she tried moving around her living room and being all sexy. She'd just never thought of herself as sexy or seductive. She didn't have any serious body issues though. Growing up it hadn't been much about the external, the crazy was on the inside and that's what she worried about. She knew she had a good, functional body because she took care of it. She ate food that was good for her and she exercised. Her job demanded being fit. And she didn't mind using her body to get the job done. If it was tackling someone to the ground or flaunting it a bit to lure a perp, she didn't mind. Whatever it took getting the job done. This had of course put her at risk at times but when she was right in it, it was like it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was closing the case.

And this case was no different. So she kept practicing. Danced around her flat in high heels and tried to get down and dirty like the girls on some you-tube clips she found. She tried removing pieces of clothing and look sexy doing it. She wasn't really selling it to herself but still hope she could fool someone. Maybe if they thought she was a terrible stripper they'd still hire her as a waitress? She had to get in there somehow. Failing wasn't an option in Amanda Rollin's book.

She would use Shay as her undercover name. Shay Williams. It was a name she'd used back home in Atlanta. She even had her identity card left, kept it just for fun and it would become useful. She just hoped she still could get away with acting younger. The first time she'd used the name she was just a rookie. A honey trap for pedophiles that tried to hook up with underage girls through a website. It was very much like the TV show 'To catch a predator'. Someone else had baited them on the net for days, sometimes weeks and then one night she sent a photo with herself in a tiny shirt and a short skirt with the text; "_Home alone, can we meet? XO_." It never failed.

She looked very young back then but those men saw what they wanted to see as well and most of the time they were too horny to see straight. She had to admit she sometimes clocked them in the nut just for the fun of it. Everyone would buy is as self-defense but she knew she enjoyed it. No need to tell anyone that.

So that was the first time she used Shay as a cover. She'd gained a last name a couple of years later as Amanda had to go a little deeper undercover. This time it was for a drug bust. She got to come up with a backstory for Shay. She was a runaway, hooked on drugs early, had a kid young, he was in the foster care system and she tried to get him back but couldn't get off drugs. She was a sad and pathetic person. Amanda didn't mind playing her.

That backstory worked out brilliantly for another case later on. She was with the sex unit in Atlanta then and they were taking down a really slimy guy that preyed on young women and that used them viciously once he'd hooked them in his prostitution ring. Shay needed money to get her kid back. She was a perfect mark for this guy. It had been hard, and straining, work to get something on him. He was smart, she had to give him that. Luckily she wasn't undercover on her own. She had her partner with her. He played her boyfriend slash pimp and it was rather fun to role play with him. They were so good friends as well as partners, she trusted him with her life. Which was good as she one night had to snort drugs up her nose to get them out of a sticky situation.

All she could remember that night was bright colors, a lot of laughter, strange voices inside her head and feeling the need to constantly keep moving. She'd woken up in a hospital bed with an intravenous bag hooked to her arm. No one was angry or upset though, just happy she was awake again. Bryce, her partner, had gotten her out of there after a few hours of her constantly dancing. She'd felt embarrassed but Bryce had told her she'd just been over-energetic and hilarious all night, just as her usual self he'd added and gotten a slap on the arm for that. But she was grateful that he'd been there and he was grateful she'd taken that kind of bullet for them.

In the end they'd brought the guy down hard and that's what was important. That's what counted. And that's what counted now. She would bring this Mayhem choker down and she would do is as Shay Williams.

When auditioning day came though it was hard to get in character for her. She had to take time off work and only knew how to do it by lying. And what did you wear to a strip club audition? She'd googled it but for once Google hadn't been that informative. She figured it was a little like a dance audition and she'd ended up wearing black tights and an oversized shirt over one of her regular but finer bras. She left her car a couple of blocks from the club and then tied a scarf around her hip just to cover herself up a little. She'd brought a pair of high heels in her sports bag in case she would need it.

Walking those blocks from where she left her car… she couldn't remember when she'd been that nervous last. Maybe that first day walking in at SVU in NY? No, that was nerves but with excitement, this was more like nerves that could kill you. She stopped thinking though and headed straight for the building and then right for the door without thinking about anything. There had been like 20 girls there. Some had strippers written on their forehead but some looked just like Amanda, or Shay. A girl had greeted her and given her a number and she'd been told to sit down until it was her time. She'd soon realized she'd missed one rather important thing though.

The woman sitting next to the guy clearly in charge suddenly stood up as she clapped her hands to get everyone's attention.  
"Okay its nine now and the auditions will start. We're going to call your number and you'll hand me your music. You will get one song to wow us with. It can go one of two ways. Either its thanks but no thanks or we'll ask you to stay. When everyone's gotten their turn on the stage we're going to discuss things, by things I mean you, and then we'll let you know our final decision. There are five spots up for grabs but we're always in need of fillers so we might put you on a call-back sheet if we see potential in you." The woman sat back down right after she'd called up number one.

Music. Shit. Why hadn't she brought Fin's CD? The rest of the girls auditioning looked a little snippy and she guessed it was because it was a bit of competition between them for the spots. The woman who had greeted her had seemed kind though. Amanda wasn't sure what role she had but it seemed she had a bit of floor duty since she'd fetched the man by the end of the stage a drink earlier.

Amanda kept her eye on her and figured she would try and catch her the next time she passed by. Meanwhile she kept throwing anxious looks up at the stage. Damn she was good and the rest probably were too. How could she ever have thought this was a good idea? She spotted the woman down by the bar and Amanda tried to slip up unnoticeable.

"Sorry, miss?" Amanda tried whispering but she didn't think the woman heard her. But she did see her. The woman's smile got brighter in an instance.  
"You need anything?" she asked without raising her voice too much.  
"It's… really embarrassing and all but…," Amanda hadn't come up with a plan and it was obvious now that she stuttered and acted like a complete idiot. The woman suddenly took a step closer though and put one hand on Amanda's arm and the other one behind her back.

"Just take a deep breathe," she smiled and when Amanda did it she could see the nice woman taking it with her.  
"Now tell me," the woman said when Amanda was done.  
"I'm new at this and I forgot to bring my music," Amanda admitted. The woman stroke her back a little and looked completely understanding.  
"It has happen to all of us. Promise," the woman smiled. She seemed to look around a little and then she got an idea.  
"Come with me," she said and didn't give Amanda much choice as she pulled her with her.

"We don't want to go in and steal one of the dancers music cause then we'll set you off to a bad start," the woman said as she dove behind a counter by the bar and came up with a box, "but these are old CDs that girls left behind. Maybe you can find something you recognize?" she said as she flipped the box open and pushed it towards Amanda. Amanda shot her a thankful smile and then dove right in. She had trouble reading some of the scribble on the discs and the ones she could read she didn't recognized. But then she finally spotted one she did recognize, and very well too.

"You found one?" the woman said and looked very happy. Amanda nodded.  
"Awesome," she smiled and brought the box back down again.  
"Thank you so very much," Amanda said and grabbed her arm.  
"You're welcome," she said, "we girls need to stick together." Cassie hadn't lied when she said this was one of the better clubs she'd worked at. Not much catfights or rivalry and most times Cassie really enjoyed working here.

The woman put her hand above Amanda's and looked her straight in the eyes;  
"Just relax and have fun. You don't need to take your clothes off. Not today. Jim actually prefers more of the old school striptease. He likes the tease. So tease. Have fun with it."

Amanda was so grateful to the woman who she'd later get to know as Tefani, she was one of the waitresses. And now she also knew it was Jim O'Loughlin that was at the center of the stage. He was the man who ran the club up front. There was another man behind it too, Gordon. Cassie didn't have a last name for him even though she'd worked for him for years. Amanda figured it was Jim's girlfriend Trina who sat next to him and had spoken earlier. She was one of the three head-waitresses, and the one to stay very friendly with since she was Jim's girlfriend. But according to Cassie it wasn't hard to be friendly with Trina. She was a former escort and stripper and as long as you didn't fool around with her man she would have your back.

Amanda went to sit back down and she got her high heels on, she'd noticed everyone was wearing them. She was really grateful for Tefani's tip and she felt relieved that she didn't have to throw her clothes off right here and now. She would focus on dancing, and teasing.

Jim and Trina were cutting girls viciously. Amanda tried to spot what they were looking for or more specific not looking for but to Amanda it looked as though they were cutting out some of the best ones. Some of the more heavily built girls seemed to get chopped because of their size.

Just one girl had come in after Amanda so they were 24 altogether Amanda had figured out by the number on her slip. When it was getting closer to her turn she felt ready to barf and hoped she wouldn't do that on stage. She tried taking deep breaths as her turn was coming up but as they called her number, number 23, she felt her legs tremble as she walked up to the table.

"Name?" the man asked without looking at her.  
"Shay. Shay Williams," Amanda said. She saw the man start at her feet and then slowly let his eyes move upwards her body. She had always had a hard time being scrutinized, it was even harder when you felt fragile and she had to really fight hard to keep her composure. Once his eyes finally reached hers she had trouble reading him. At least he didn't look all together disappointed.

"Age?" he asked.  
"25," she answered and hoped he would by it.  
"Music," he asked for and she handed him the CD case. He looked at the title on it and then gave her another look before he handed the case over to Trina. Seemed he liked her choice in music.

"Please," he said and gestured to the stage. She managed to almost slip at the first step and heard some of the other dancers' chuckle. She took a deep breath once she got up on the stage. Once she faced outwards she realized she had a spotlight straight in her eyes even though the room was lit. It actually helped though cause that made it hard for her to see the faces of the people watching her. The people who would judge her. And once the music started she couldn't help but smile. The song brought back memories.

There was a reason she'd picked this song. She had a childhood memory of it. A memory both filled with fun and laughter as well as pain and tears but the bad she'd learnt to repress over the years. It was Warrant's "Cherry Pie". She'd been seven the year that song was released and the very first time she heard it it was actually in a strip club. A little less fancy strip club than this one though, most things in Loganville was just a little less fancy than in New York.

Amanda started moving to the music just as she'd seen the women do up on that stage. She remembered giggling with Kim. What on earth were a seven and a five year old doing at a strip club you might rightfully wonder? It's a rather easy question to answer. Their father was babysitting. Not that Amanda wasn't used already to take care of herself and her sister but for some reason their mother had insisted he'd stay with them. Might have had something to do with one of those tight skirt ladies that visited the week before. One of those strict looking ladies that kept asking you questions how you were feeling and if your mommy and daddy took good care of you. How could you answer that when you had no idea what 'good care' meant.

So that day they'd been stuck with their dad but their dad decided he didn't want to be stuck in that house all day. And believe it or not this strip club wasn't the strangest place he'd taken them to over the years. No they'd seen worse places with him. For a kid this was exotic and a little bit crazy. Grown women strutting around almost naked on a stage with drunk and goofy men putting money down their panties every now and then. Amanda and Kim found it both hilarious and weird at the same time and all they did was giggle and Kim kept pointing at the naked ladies boobs.

This fond memory with her sister kept moving around her head as she closed her eyes and just let the song take her away. Followed its moves and imagine herself up on that stage with her sister sitting there below the stage and giggling. She had the sweetest giggle and it was as vivid to her right now as the music was. Maybe the alcohol and smoke in the air in there had gotten to them because Amanda remembered feeling a bit delirious and Kim was surely acting like it.

She wasn't sure how they'd gotten home, perhaps someone drove all of them because then they were back at the house. Dad had some of his friends there and they kept drinking. Amanda and Kim, still feeling giddy, decided to go through their mother's lingerie drawer even though they knew they were forbidden in her room. But she wasn't expected back home for hours yet so they dared to. Fully equipped in only their mother's see-through garments and dragging their feet in her too big for them high heels they came back out to their father and his friends in the living room. They all laughed and both Amanda and Kim beamed at the attention since they weren't used to getting any.

Someone put music on, not Cherry Pie this time though but Amanda remembered how she'd still pretended it was that song playing and how she pretended to move like those ladies they'd seen earlier. And then someone had lifted her up on the kitchen counter, she remember her shoes falling off as she went through the air. She thought she remembered her dad protesting a bit about that but she couldn't remember that he'd ever left his spot on the couch so he couldn't have put much effort behind it. She'd been left up there and some of her dad's friends had shouted at her to dance.

"Well will you give me money then," she remembered asking cheekily and someone had waved a dollar in the air just like she'd seen at that strip club. So she'd danced. Danced her little heart out. She thought she could remember her father's face looking a little bothered but again he hadn't moved. And his so-called friends had cheered and Kim had run back and forth between her and the men a few times and gathered dollar bills from them that she put on the counter. Of course, thinking back, it had all been very inappropriate but it couldn't hide the fact Amanda had felt good up there. She'd been on top of the world. She had not just one but several people paying attention to her and they seemed to like it when she pulled up her lingerie and when she tried to shake her non-existing breasts like those ladies did making their breasts bounce back and forth. It had looked so funny when they did that and Amanda figured that's why the men liked it when she did it now.

But best of all was hearing her sister's laughter as she ran back and forth below the counter. The look in her eyes when she looked up and admired her sister. It was the best feeling in the world and Amanda could feel her sister present now. When Amanda opened her eyes a little she thought she saw her on the side of the stage and Amanda danced for her as much as for the men. Whatever would cheer up her sister, make her day just a little brighter.

Suddenly the music stopped and Amanda stopped dancing. She wasn't really sure what she'd done up there. How could she have spaced out like this?  
"Thank you," she heard Jim say though. "Please come down here." She carefully got off the stage and walked up to the table. Both Jim and Trina was watching her a bit suspiciously with their eyes a little narrow.

"There's something..." he started saying but never finished the sentence and instead just studied her face. Amanda still wasn't sure if she'd done something right or totally made a fool of herself up there just now.

"Just have a seat for a while okay?" Trina said once Jim seemed stuck and Amanda nodded quickly and hurried over to the other side of the stage. She felt the rest of the girls stare at her but she had a seat quickly and instead paid attention to the last girl taking the stage next.

She kept praying silently she hadn't blown it. Like that day had blown up back then with the strip club and dancing on the kitchen counter. One minute she had been up there having fun, getting cheers and money thrown at her and the next minute her mother had walked in. Amanda swallowed hard and let the memories go down her throat as well. She was after all good at repressing bad memories.

* * *

**Loganville, Georgia 1990**

Emily Rollin's face turned from that usual stern one to furious in a single heartbeat as she laid eyes on her daughter up there on the counter. And in her lingerie on top of it. Amanda instantly froze, feeling like she just wanted to go invisible and that it was possible if she just wished it hard enough. But then her mother aimed straight for her and she knew she had it coming.

"Turn that devilish music off this instant," Emily screamed of the top of her lungs. She grabbed her daughter's wrist, flung her off the counter and for a few seconds Amanda was flying through the air. To Amanda everything went in slow motion and she was able to think that it would hurt so much when she hit the floor but she hadn't counted on the fact her mother was still holding on to her wrist. The jerk that occurred when she was just inches from the floor saved her from hitting it hard but dislocated her shoulder. Amanda wasn't even able to scream as the pain radiated from her shoulder out through her body and made her feel paralyzed. But then she felt a crack as her mother pulled her upwards again and the relief came instantly. New pain came though as her mom directed smacks to her back and behind along with violent screaming close to her ear.

"A whore. Is that what you want to become? Flaunting yourself at men. You want to be a child bride you bastard? I'll show you, you sick little girl."

From the couch Amanda's father, Michael, tried to plea and asked Emily to ease up.  
"You just wait you sick bastard, you'll get yours too," Emily screamed at him and it immediately got him quiet. He smiled awkwardly at his buddies and took a swipe of his beer to water his throat and at the same time try and swallow down some of the embarrassment he felt.

The smacking suddenly stopped and Amanda hurried to take a few deep breaths knowing she needed to once her mom started again. She felt the pain in her shoulder again as her mother dragged her with her around the counter as she went to fetch Kim who had been hiding behind it. Amanda was dragged along like a rag doll as her mother picked up a crying Kim under her other arm.

"You get the fuck out of here you sick bastards," Emily screamed at Michael's drinking buddies as she dragged her daughters down the hall. Once she got them into her bedroom she tossed them both on the bed and screamed at them to take her clothes off instantly. Kim was crying loudly but started to peel her mother's garments off. Amanda felt numb and unable to move. Her mother lost patient quickly and started to tear the clothes off her. In the frenzy Emily managed to rip the sheer fabric and of course she blamed Amanda for it.

"Look what you did you little bitch," she screamed and more slaps landed on the side of Amanda's head and over her already aching shoulder.  
"Please," Amanda begged.  
"Please what? You want to be a whore? You want to dance for money, you want to have men drooling after you like out there just now?" Emily felt her blood boil and kept screaming until she was out of breath. Hadn't she raised her daughters better than this? She walked across the room to get some distance from her brats and she tossed the garments down in the still pulled out drawer. She watched other pieces of her clothes spread out on the floor underneath the drawer and she growled.

"What have a done to deserve such evil and rotten children?" she screamed.  
"I'm sorry mama," Amanda tried now that she could talk again. Kim was sitting naked beside her, clinging to her arm and she knew she had to protect the little girl.

"Yeah I bet you're sorry. Sorry that you were caught," Emily said and walked back over to the bed. Amanda kept her eyes on her every second to be ready for the blow that could come any minute and if the blow was aimed at Kim she would need to protect her. But no palm or fist came, no object aimed at either of them. Instead her mother got that vicious look in her eyes and then that smile that made Amanda feel actual shivers go down her back.

"You want to flaunt yourself little girls? I'm going to let you flaunt yourself," she said through gritted teeth and she grabbed a hold of Amanda's wrist again and starting pulling her with her. She knew Kim would cling on to Amanda so there was no need to grab her, she would come willingly, following her sister like the little sick puppy she was. Amanda tried to dig her heels down, pull out of her mother's grasp but the pain in her shoulder made it too hurtful to try. Emily dragged them back out to the living room. The living room was empty now but Amanda spotted her father in the kitchen getting another beer out of the fridge. He looked sad when he saw her and it made Amanda hate him even more. He was such a weak man. Such a coward. She was ashamed to call him her father and she decided then and there that she wouldn't ever again. He would just be Michael from now on. She didn't have a father any longer.

The next second she found herself being thrown out the door and she landed hard on the cracked stone path outside. Emily pushed Kim out after her but she managed to remain on her feet.

"You want to flaunt yourself? Walk the streets? Well go ahead. Get out of here. I don't want to see you. You disgust me," Emily said and then slammed the door shut so hard it almost finally fell out of its hinges. Amanda and Kim were left outside completely naked. Amanda managed to get up on her feet with a little help from her sister. Her shoulder hurt so badly and she'd scraped her knees and palms a little as she landed on the hard surface. But that was nothing, the pain in her shoulder she couldn't really ignore though. Amanda looked up and down the street hoping no one was watching them. She wasn't sure what to do and just held her still crying sister tight.

"It will be okay Kim," she said and stroke her hair. "Don't worry. We're okay right?" She gave her sister a smile and helped her wipe away some of her tears. Amanda wasn't sure what to do though. She knew trying to get back inside wasn't an option, it would just bring more pain if they were caught. Most of all she wanted to go to her grandmother's house but there was no way to get there without being spotted by someone. And she didn't want anyone to see them like this. Not that she minded being naked or cared what others thought of them but last week she'd learnt something. It was when that strict lady was coming over. Her mother had warned her to tell the lady anything stupid cause then she would lose her sister. The lady would take them from their home and separate them. Amanda would never see her sister again. Staying would mean putting up with her mother's temperament and the fists and kicks and everything. But if the alternative was losing her sister than the choice was easy. Nothing would come between her and her sister. Ever.

* * *

The last girl had finished on stage and she was asked to leave. That left eight girls, all waiting impatiently to know if they had a job or not. Jim and Trina went over to the bar for a while and meanwhile Tefani came around with some water bottles for anyone who wanted one. Amanda accepted one with a smile and got a wink from Tefani. "You did good," she mouthed and Amanda was very grateful for that as it did calm her a bit.

Jim came back over to them and he called out two girl's names, Shay wasn't one of them. He told them to work a little at their dance, not over do it so much, and then asked them to come back for another audition if they wanted to. That left six girls left and Amanda couldn't believe she was almost in.

"I want to ask the rest of you to come back for a trial period okay? Come in next week and we'll see how things go. If you go over to the lovely Trina at the bar she will book you in and we'll take it from there okay?" The girls all nodded and rushed a little to get over to the bar. Amanda was left a little stunned and got left behind.

"Shay," Jim said as Amanda finally started to walk over to the rest.  
"Yes sir?" she asked quickly and Jim smiled.  
"Jim," he said and touched her cheek just slightly.  
"I don't know what it is about you... but I like what I see. You have a bit of sadness over you. Are you feeling okay?" he asked and sounded sincerely concerned.  
"I'm sorry si... Jim, I was just very nervous, I have to admit I haven't been doing this for long."  
"We all have to start somewhere. And you were fine up there. A lot of men will like that mystique you'll find out. But you will be able to undress a little though right?" he asked and she nodded convincingly.  
"Good," he smiled, "I have a feeling you can become one of my best." She was truly surprised by this flattery but tried not to show it, she did thank him though, figured it wouldn't hurt to show appreciation.  
"And..." he said and reached backwards to grab something from the table. He turned back with her CD case in his hand. He held it up and gestured a little with it.  
"Keep this song, work out a routine. This song fits you very well," he said and handed it to her.

When she grabbed the case she noticed something on his wrist. He had a cross tattooed right over his veins. She felt a chill inside as she remembered why she was here and that the man in front of her fitted her profile of the Mayhem choker rather well. She swallowed hard but then hurried to give him a smile. Did him showing her special attention mean he had a preference for blonds? Trina was after all blond but she had brown eyes. Two of the other dancers had blonde hair too but Amanda hadn't been able to see what color their eyes were. Perhaps she was the only one who fitted the choker's victims and he had already targeted her?

She'd looked Jim up in the records since Cassie had already given her his full name. He had only minor charges on his record, non sexual, along with a lot of unpaid parking tickets. Amanda felt a sting of fear in her gut but honestly also felt excitement. This was why she was here, she was baiting herself for the murderer and she had to play her part well from here on. She would blow his socks off. She would be the best and baddest stripper he'd ever laid eyes on she decided. She would change outfit and go back into the station but then she would go home and practice her routine. She would work her shift at SVU Saturday but she had to get off that night so she could work her first shift at the club.

Jim wanted her back on his busiest day of the week, didn't want to waste any time getting her up there. He wanted to flaunt her for the rest of the world as he put it. If only her mother could see her now. The thought actually made Amanda smile. All those years of abuse and here she was still standing. Her mother hadn't been able to beat her down, keep her from succeeding in everything she took on. And she would succeed in catching, or at least exposing the Mayhem choker. She would do whatever it took even if it would kill her. She had nothing to go back to anyway.

* * *

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (_1 John 1:9_)

* * *

He was feeling a bit down but he knew the memento of it all by now. He knew these feelings would come. Sometimes it was just a case of a minute long sense of guilt that he was able to swallow with a short, silent prayer but at times it would take a visit or two at an actual church when his own house of prayer wasn't sufficient enough. Perhaps he would even visit the confession both. He would bring up his sister then, the angels were after all an extension of her. It had all started with his sister. And in the confession he would pray for salvation for having to punish her for her past sins. He would ask for understanding for being a bit too harsh on her and he asked for forgiveness since in the end all he wanted for her was peace and happiness. Usually it would result in a couple of Hail Marys and he leave with God's blessing to keep up his good work. He already knew this though of course but it still felt good to hear now that his mother couldn't tell him this.

He picked up a frame from his home made alter and took a closer look at his then sixteen year old sister. Happier times he thought to himself and felt a bit of melancholy in his heart.

"Sleeping with the angels," he whispered as he let his finger trace the outline of his sister. She had been so precious. Perhaps not the best big sister but she'd been beautiful and he'd made sure she stayed beautiful. The real problems had started right after this photo was taken. She had been raped. That time had been confusing for him. He didn't fully grasp what was going on, he was just too young to get it. He remembered his sister crying a lot and his mother praying more than usual. His father had been gone for a year or two. He blamed him at times. He knew his sister had missed him, that she had a bit of a father complex and it was probably a father she seeked in those boys she swoon around. And all that hair flipping and giggling and making a spectacle of herself. Their mother had warned her, it would get you in trouble girl, she'd told her. But had she listen? Of course not.

And then she went and got herself raped and of course no one believed that it was actually what happen. The boy claimed it was consensual and of course everyone believed him and not his sister. She was after all from the wrong side of the tracks and she had clearly been putting herself out there for more than one boy. And it was revealed she hadn't been a virgin. That was when his mother had lost it for real. It had devastated her and she'd stayed in bed for days. His sister had brought so much shame to her family and it didn't stop there. It got worse. If she hadn't put herself out there before she was certainly doing so from now on. She started doing drugs and she didn't come back home for days. She dropped out of school and rumors were floating around she was hooking herself out. He heard she'd been seen around the gas station, flirting with truck drivers and taking off with them. He took his bike there, saw it with his own eyes and he knew he had to do something. He had to stop it. He tried reaching her with prayers and asking her to come back home or at least come to church. She'd laughed in his face. "Me? In church? You really are bonkers aren't you lil' bro."

She just wouldn't listen. If only he had been older then, able to do what he did now. Perhaps then he could have saved her before she was too far gone. His mother was suffering. Their father wanted nothing to do with them, too busy with his new family and too embarrassed by his old one to even recognize them. It was up to him now. He was after all touched by God. He would be able to do wonders wasn't he? His mother had said so his entire life. He was special and now he would prove it. He would cleanse her he thought. He would purge his sister from sin. He would bring her back to God their almighty. And what better way to do so then to bring her back to where it had all begun, to the holy water. Maybe another baptizing would open her eyes and ask for repentance.

He caught her stepping down from another truck. He hated trucks and truckers. They could all go to hell for all he cared. Many years later he would find it so very amusing when he read about an I-90 killer who they suspected was a trucker. That had actually made him leave his angels more open, easier to find, in more shallow graves. He liked the idea of truckers being questioning and brought in to the police stations. They all deserved what was coming to them. Every time he read about an accident involving a truck he knew it was God's way of cleansing out this world. Get rid of the vermin that walked this earth amongst us.

His sister had spotted him as he hollered to her from across the street. He'd been hiding in the bushes for a very long time. It had gotten late and very dark. But the darkness only made him feel safe, he could hide in the darkness. At first she didn't even want to talk to him, she lit a cigarette and tried to ignore him. But his begging had got to her finally and she'd walked across to him.

"What you want you little pest? Did mama send you?" He'd shook his head.  
"I need your help. I ran my bike down into the river. Mama is going to punish me so bad. You know how she gets. Please you gotta help me sis," he pleaded and figured he'd come up with the best plan. He would get her to help him find his bike in the water. Of course it was nowhere near the water but it was a way to get her there. He would baptize him and she would be enlightened. It was that simple. Getting her to help her would be the hardest part he knew that but he kept begging. He even cried a little and was impressed at how easily it came to him. You have to help me find my bike or mom will punish me so bad. It had taken a while but then she'd agreed. While in knee high water she'd moaned and asked how stupid he must have been for driven his bike down into the water.

"I can't see it. Maybe it washed away already," she said.  
"No it's here, just a little further out," he said standing right next to her. She said she didn't want to get her skirt wet but then when it got a little wet she just laughed a little and for a moment he felt as though they were back to how things have been when they were kids. Carefree and embraced by God. Everything had been so much better then.

He'd shoved her suddenly. Made her lose footing and she just barely managed to keep her head above water.  
"What the hell," she'd shouted and he tried to silence her by letting her know his plan. When he had rambled on for minutes she just looked like him with weird eyes.  
"Are you nuts? You truly are as crazy as mom aren't you?" she said and just shook her head at him. She rolled her eyes and started to walk out of the water.

"No," he yelled and grabbed her by the hair to get her back down into the water. She still hadn't been under. She still hadn't felt the power of God's christening. He found strength from somewhere, from God most probably, and he dragged her out a little to deeper water. She kept trying to pull out of his grip but then she stumbled and she was underneath. He watched her arms flopping around a little as she tried to find her footing and then she got up spitting out water. She cleared her face from water and pulled back her hair a little. He smiled. She looked funny. Her make-up was running, she could need another dip but it looked as she was getting cleaner. But then he'd seen her eyes and she'd looked furious.

"Crazy," she screamed and then she'd tried to smack him in the face but he'd seen it coming and hindered her. He couldn't understand why she didn't get that he was just trying to save her. To save their family from the shame and the threat of hell. He got angry. He had enough. He would have to open her eyes for her. He'd grabbed her around the neck, forced her back down. There had been a struggle. She'd tried to hit him, to scratch him but it seemed he was invincible. Her tries were futile, he was protected by God. He managed to get her back underneath the surface every time she managed to pop back up. She would soon be clean he thought as he fought to hold her under.

He squeezed his hands a little harder and even in the dark and with the water between them he could see straight down into her blue eyes. They started to shimmer and soon they started to glow. He found it so amazing. So beautiful. Her eyes became blue streams of light and they shinned straight up at him. And then she'd stopped fighting him. She'd finally given in, she'd let him cleanse her. She was free. She was beautiful and her eyes stayed open as he let her go. It was just a bit sad she had to die to become free. But she was with the angels now. And he was giving her more angels to be with as the years went on. He knew his sister was up there greeting them and taking good care of them.

"You all sleep with the angels," he whispered and then put the frame back on the altar. It was time for him to go out and look at his new angel. He had another angel that needed him right now and he couldn't wait for the time when he could finally get his hands on her. To save her too.

* * *

Since she was working that same weekend it didn't give Amanda much time to prepare but she wanted this so badly she would be ready. She'd been able to meet up with Cassie again and told her what she was up to. Cassie had been a bit stunned and even tried to talk her out of it. She didn't want to see Amanda get hurt. It was enough she might have killed one sister but to kill the other one too. Amanda had reassured her she knew what she was doing though. Cassie hadn't been back to the club since she was attacked in the alley but she said she missed most of the girls. Cassie was tremendous help to Amanda. She gave her the name of everyone who worked at or around the club and the name of some of the steady customers that were a little on the creepy side. Amanda tried to get the name of some of the regular customers instead since she figured the Mayhem choker would blend in. She figured he was more the lurking in the corner type of guy if he was even inside the club at all. If he was religious, as Amanda thought was a high probability with his almost ritual torture methods, he probably saw strip clubs as sinful and wouldn't place his foot inside of them. She knew she had to be ready for anything though and she took everything in that Cassie told her.

She asked Cassie to tell her a little more about the boss Jim. Cassie said he was a good boss. Sure he could grab your ass, want you to sit in his lap when he talked serious with you but he would never take it further. Amanda had seen the cross though and she wasn't ready to rule him out as a brutal slayer of women just yet. Only thing was that he'd lived in New York his entire life so she wasn't sure how he fitted in with the killings in North and South Dakota that she'd found. But there could be more than one killer, Amanda just had a hard time believing it since the killings had several similarities.

Cassie would also be very useful for Amanda when it came to the actual stripping. She helped her out with new routines and gave her both compliments and constructive critic what she could do better. Cassie had a knack for finding Amanda's strengths as a dancer and worked on what she was good at. Cassie would spend a few nights at Amanda's place over the next few weeks as she said she felt safe there and they developed some kind of friendship. Unfortunately Amanda wasn't at a stage where she could nurture a new friendship, the only thing she could focus on was finding the killer and bring him down.

Again Amanda felt very nervous that Saturday as she walked up to the club. Tonight many eyes would watch her and she would have to undress in front of them all. And she'd get money pushed down God knows where. She was a bit apprehensive about how she'd be able to just take it. Have men invade her private sphere. She tried to push the thoughts out of her head, she just had to do it.

Jim wanted her to work the night shift but still wanted her to come in rather early to get the feel of the club. This meant she needed to come up with an excuse to get away from work. She told Fin she wasn't feeling all that well. She felt bad when she saw the concern on his face. He asked her what was up and she said she felt a bit feverish. Nothing that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. He'd pushed to take her home, get her some soup and make sure she got to bed. She had to be a bit harsh to get him to back off and she felt bad again about it but it couldn't be helped. She'd brought everything she needed with her in the car this morning. Trina had said they had clothes for her to borrow to begin with but she still needed to change out of her work clothes since she feared they screamed a little too much 'cop'. She brought her shoes, make-up and music as she'd also been told.

When she got to the club that first proper working day it was already pumping. She ran into some hassle right inside the door since apparently dancers weren't supposed to use that entrance. She made sure he knew she was sorry for the mistake and she thought he got it since he smiled and said 'no problem'. He was too young to fit the profile for the Mayhem choker but she couldn't rule out anyone at this point.

She'd been to strip clubs before but then in her capacity as a cop and not really when the club was in full bloom so to speak. She spotted two girls working the main stage and Amanda gulped a little as she realized she too would soon be up there. She didn't see Scott behind the bar but a bit of a younger guy with a whole lot of more hair. She did see Trina though and aimed for her. A guy sitting at the bar checked her out and she felt her eyes shy down a little. How would she ever be able to do this she thought to herself?

"Shay," Trina smiled as she saw her coming. The two hugged after Trina had initialized it.  
"Feeling okay?" she asked and rubbed Amanda's arm a little. Amanda nodded with a smile.  
"Okay then let's get you acclimatized. That's Marc," Trina said as the bartender approached. Amanda gave him a nod and a smile and he rewarded her one back.  
"He works mostly days but jumps in later if we need him. Scott runs the bar, you'll see him later. And then there's Garreth. Okay let's have a look around shall we," Trina said and turned outwards.

"I saw you came in through the main entrance, I'll make sure someone shows you the side entrance so you don't have to endure the hungry eyes right off the bat. Or the pat down at the door, although we do have some yummy looking bouncers," Trina smiled and put her elbow a little in Amanda's side. She then went ahead and pointed to the main stage where there supposedly always was a show running. Shows came a bit sparser during the daytime and then there might be a minor act up on the little stage and Trina pointed over her shoulder. The little stage was just a circle with a pole in the middle and it was located right by the bar. Trina went ahead and pointed across the room and told her that was for lap dances. There was no problem if she did a little of that out in the main area but if she wanted the full 20 she should bring the guy in there. Amanda asked if that was a fixed rate and Trina told her yes.

"And that money along with any tip you make either on stage or working the room is all yours sweetie. Songs are around 3 to 4 minutes and it's a no touch policy. That means you can touch them but they can't touch you. There's always a bouncer or another girl in there keeping an eye out so you don't have to worry. I'll take you through the routine for the champagne room when that day comes okay but the stairs are over there," Trina pointed to a draped door in the corner beside the room for lap dances. Amanda had very little knowledge of what went on in a champagne room and right now she hoped she wouldn't have to learn.

"You will not be using that stair though. That's where the waitress takes the clients up. We call them clients or customers by the way. Come with me," Trina said and started to walk towards the back. She showed her the small kitchen area and then they headed to the changing rooms. She assigned Amanda, or Shay rather, a locker and told her to bring a lock for next time. The girls could mostly be trusted but Trina said there were always bad seeds around so keep a little on guard with your belongings. She offered to take Amanda's valuables for the night but Amanda let her know she had non to speak off anyway. Her shoes were the most expensive item and she would be wearing them so.

"Ah Sierra just the girl I was hoping we'd run into," Trina said as a girl walked in. Amanda recognized the name. Cassie had put her on the good list. Someone Amanda should stick to. Sierra was gorgeous. She was barefoot at the time but it looked as though she was almost walking on her toes anyway. And she had super long and super trimmed legs. Her skin was dark with a lovely gold tint to it which probably was make-up. She wore very short shorts in black leather and on top a studded bra in the same material as her shorts. She had a black snake tattoo around one of her arms which almost disappeared into her dark skin. Her black hair was straighten and slicked back. She wore heavy make-up in black and some metallic tone. She was very beautiful even in the somewhat scary outfit.

"Shay meet Sierra, Sierra meet Shay one of our new girls," Trina said and gestured between the two.  
"Nice to meet you," Amanda smiled and extended her hand. Sierra went right through the hand though and hugged Amanda.  
"Welcome Shay, I hope you'll like it here," she said as she let her go.  
"So I was hoping you could show Shay around back here?" Trina said and Sierra nodded immediately.  
"I've shown her the front and let her know some of the routines but just run them by her again. It's hard to take in everything at first so it doesn't hurt to hear them twice to up the chances they'll stick. Oh and she'll need an outfit or two for tonight. Jim wants her on stage once he gets here, it will be in about an hour I'd think." Amanda got a little nervous again knowing Jim would be there to judge her very first appearance.

"I'll leave you in the best hands Shay. Sierra should really be a designer or a personal shopper or something, she puts together the best outfits and she sees just what color that fits you. She got me out of pinks and in to greens believe it or not," Trina smiled and grabbed a hold of her own tiny skirt that was indeed green.  
"Oh keep it coming. A girl can never get enough flattery," Sierra sang and Trina chuckled as she left them.

"You wanna put your bag down. Did Trina give you a locker?" Sierra asked. Amanda had been carrying her bag over her shoulder the entire time and it would feel nice to put it down. Amanda pointed to the locker Trina had assigned her and Sierra made it hers by getting a role of masking tape of the top of the lockers and put a piece of it on the locker. She'd found a pen as well and spelled her name with large letters.

"Is that right?" Sierra asked and Amanda said yes as she saw the letter Y. Yes that was her name now.  
"Well here's your locker Shay," Sierra said and held the door open. Amanda shoved her bag in there with a smile and then she got the backstage tour. There were at least ten girls in the changing room. Sierra introduced her to everyone and Amanda found it almost funny that Cassie had been so on spot. Fantasia was clearly a bitch and almost didn't even look at Amanda. Raven and Quendra hugged her just like Sierra had. And while most seemed friendly some did obviously not like the competition.

Amanda quickly learnt that the girls shared desks and mirrors and she also learnt which ones she was welcomed at. Amanda tried hard to focus on the face of the girl in front of her that was talking to her and not on the tassels on her nipples. All these girls seemed so comfortable in their skin, they walked around in barely anything but then could have the most lavish feather arrangement on their head. It was just such a weird environment and Amanda couldn't even compare it with the girl's locker room in school.

Sierra showed her the way to the champagne room, the dancers always took this way up and let the customers take the red stair as they called it. Sierra added that it would probably be weeks until they let her up here though. They took the way through wardrobe and Sierra told her she could use anything in here but that Jim would probably get her some of her own stuff when she became a regular. He liked to dress his dolls apparently. Sierra showed her some garments and asked what she liked. Amanda really had no idea and since everything looked rather inappropriate it was hard for her to say anything. She tried to think like Shay, what would Shay like? In the end Sierra picked out two outfits for her and had ruled that Amanda's skin tone let her wear almost anything color wise. Sierra was quite surprised because usually such light complexions didn't work with everything but for some reason Amanda did.

"So you change in here, and do your make-up if you haven't already," Sierra said as they passed the changing room again and then they headed down a passage that was rather steep.

"Keep right at all times, and be a bit careful in heels," Sierra smiled. Amanda could see the stage as they got further down. There were a few steps to get up to the stage. A string curtain was sorta like the gate out onto the actual stage. Amanda peeked through the strings from below the stairs and could see the girl on the stage dancing around one of the poles. The lights were bright and it was hard to see anything beyond the stage. There was probably a different view from the stage though than from back here.

Sierra let her know that busy days and at nights they had an announcer. The schedule for the stage was posted right by the stage and the full schedule, the one with who was working the main room as well as the small stage, was hanging in the changing room. You gave the announcer your music for the night when you got there and if there were none you had to work your own music and Sierra showed her how that worked.

"You know what you're doing tonight?" Sierra asked.  
"Well I have my music but I don't know when I'm on," Amanda told her.  
"We'll check with Trina" she's usually in charge of the schedule and if she's not here its Lola or Ann Beth. And check the schedule, Trina hates tardiness, so does Jim." Sierra said that was about it and then brought Amanda backstage again so they could go through some minor tricks and treats as Sierra called it. Trina walked by and Sierra asked her when Shay was going up. Trina gave her two different times when she'd be on stage, and that they would take it from there.

"Okay let's get you dressed so I can show you how to get undressed, I've worn this corset, it's a bit tricky," Sierra said and held up the corset to check something on it. Amanda couldn't remember a time when she'd undressed and dressed so close, and so openly, in front of… well anyone really. Sure as a kid with Kim, they'd been inseparable even in the bathroom, to sometimes Amanda's disapproval. But Sierra was so casual about it and didn't seem bothered at all. She might have picked up on some vibes from Amanda though as she asked if she was nervous. Amanda tried to act a little more confident than she felt but still admitted she was afraid to screw up and that she just really needed this job.

"You're going to be fine I'm sure. Just dance your tight, little ass off and don't forget to have fun. And always keep your panties on," Sierra said.  
"But the rest goes?" Amanda asked carefully. Sierra gave her a quick look before she went back to straightening her skirt out after having pulled it around a little.

"They like to see titties, men who visits these places tend to do. Some breastfeeding issue when they were kids I guess. And the more you show the higher the tip, in regular any way. But if you feel uncomfortable just do it at the very end of the song, as the grande finale sorta and then you can cover yourself up as soon as the lights go out. It usually shows if you're comfortable or not up there so just pretend you're someone else for a while. I pretend to be Billie Holiday sometimes."

"Billie Holiday?" Amanda asked curiously.  
"Yes. She was fierce on stage. Came from scrap but she was unique and special. She's my spirit animal. But I tell you drugs won't drag me under." Amanda was glad to hear that but it didn't take long until Sierra offered her some to relax a little. And it was quite obvious it was drugs she was talking about. Amanda said she was trying to stay clean of that nowadays. Sierra shot her a suspicious look, probably thought 'good luck with that' but then said okay and asked her if she wanted some liquid courage instead. Amanda took her up on that. She needed something to help with her nerves.

Sierra was going on stage right before Amanda and the two went down the passage together. Sierra gave her some last minutes tips. Smile and make eye contact was most important apparently, that would make you the most money always. Amanda feared the eye contact part and she feared she wouldn't be able to smile. Sierra also told her to check the men out and to choose her targets for later. The one who looks at you the most, those are the one to target later on for paid conversation or lap dances. That worked to Amanda's favor seeing how she was here to lure out the Mayhem choker. She was searching for a man that liked women just like her.

Amanda watched Sierra on stage from below the stairs. She was awesome. She was fierce and not only because she had a whip as attribute. Amanda took a few deep breaths and then tried to think of the reason why she was here. Thinking about her sister made her sad so she had to push Kim out of her mind for a while. Focus on the killer. This was a means to an end. She had to do this and she had to succeed doing it. Failure wasn't an option. She felt herself go in combat mode like she had before a softball game or gearing up for a bust. She would do this. She was getting so pumped she almost didn't notice Sierra's music fading out. Amanda watched as Sierra made her way down from the stage and around the stage to collect her tips from the men who weren't drooling right by the stage.

Amanda had left her CD with the announcer earlier. She'd asked what name she wanted to be introduced by and since Amanda hadn't thought about it she answered 'just Shay'. And that's what she got a few seconds later. She got the sign it was time to go up, a green light flashed below the stairs. She felt wobbly as she made it up the steps and she cursed herself for being such a chicken shit. It usually helped when she scolded herself and she could only hope it would work this time too.

"Making her debut here at the Bare Assets stage tonight please help me welcome... just Shay," the announcer said and Amanda walked out along with some smoke that somehow appeared from the entrance. The music hadn't started yet but she got a rather loud welcome by the audience, hopefully they wouldn't boo in a minute or two. There were only two spotlights on her to start with and she had no problem seeing the crowd. Unfortunately. Boy there were a lot of eyes on her right now but then she spotted Sierra out there. She saw her draw a smile with her fingers in front of her own face and it had the aimed effect seeing how Amanda instantly got a smile on her face. Without Sierra she wasn't sure she could have done this and she was really grateful to her.

The music started and she started moving a little. She got a few whistles at her very first dip and she caught on early what the crowd enjoyed. She hadn't seen him but figured Jim must be out there somewhere watching, he'd requested she did Cherry Pie again and she was after all there for a trial period. She remembered what Tefani had said; tease. So she tried that. She didn't dare to approach any of the men but she knew how to tease from a far and with Cassie's pointers in mind she used the skills she had. She had a fit and muscular body and she could move. It worked to her favor. She couldn't really focus on everything though so she just reminded herself of two things; smile and tease. She would pick her targets and find her Mayhem choker a little later.

And it wasn't so bad. Maybe. She managed to leave the nerves behind and she tried to appreciate the attention she got. She tried to focus on that she had the power at this very moment but the fact she was just a piece of ass undressing in front of hungry eyes kept creeping in inside her mind. She didn't approve of this behavior. It was so not okay for a guy she saw down by the stage that touched his crotch as he stuck his tongue out and yelled something to her that she was grateful she couldn't pick up over the music. She focused on smiling and tried to hold her head up as her inside screamed that this was so wrong on so many levels. She made it through by thinking she would catch a vicious killer in the end, this was the way to put an end to the Mayhem choker even if it right now was just a stage at a strip club in Queens.

She'd somehow made it through that stage debut and left it in just her g-string and her corset hanging from her shoulders exposing her breasts. She felt a little out of breath and very relieved as she heard the applause and the whistles. She hooked up her corset just a little as she took her exit but she sneaked back backstage instead of 'making her round', as Sierra had put it. The round you made around the stage to get more tips. She just couldn't bare that right now as she already felt very exposed. She feared she would break if she did that right now and got groped or something like Sierra had warned that the customers could do.

One of the nicer girls caught her coming back to the dressing room and asked her kindly how it went. Amanda just smiled and said okay but that she had a lot to learn from the rest of them. She knew it was better to stay humble and blend in now in the beginning. Better to get liked than get enemies that might hinder her from what she was here to do.

She realized fleeing might not have been the best idea since it didn't take long until Trina came backstage and was concerned about her. Amanda apologized and just said she'd been on such a rush she forgot to walk around the stage. It seemed to be a sufficient answer since Trina smiled and gave her another hug. At that same time Jim walked in. When he approached her she could see on his entire face he'd liked what he'd seen on stage.  
"I knew you had potential," he said and hugged her tight. She felt his hand go down her back and grab a hold of her ass right before he let her go.

"I could see you worked on your routine, good girl. This will be your catch song. Always good to be known for a certain number and this one's yours. What you doing next?" he asked as he caressed her cheek with one of his hands. His other hand rested on her hip.

She was prepared. She'd googled last night, found some useful sites and then used her iPhone to listen to the songs. She found many of them sounded just like the music her partner listen to but she just found those songs so hard to dance to. She couldn't find any steady rhythm to them. She did find some other tunes though and now she told Jim which songs she was choosing from and that she would really appreciate his input. Cassie had told her he liked to get involved and help out. Jim seemed to think about the song choices and then told her which one he would choose and of course she said she'd go with that one.

"I'm proud of you," he said before he let her go and of course he added a slap on her ass before he left.

She redressed for her second number, bit down doing it and this time made her round around the room. It was as hideous as she'd imagined it would be. There was just something so demeaning having that many men stroke their fingers against your skin as they pushed a dollar down your panties. She didn't get how women could make a living like this and it hurt to know many women felt forced to do this.

Once she was done Trina told her to jump into a short skirt and a bra and then work the floor for a bit. That apparently meant trying to get men to buy lap dances for her or to sit down at their table for paid conversation. If they weren't willing to pay for her company though she had to keep moving. She found this harder than being on stage but just a tad bit easier than 'making your round' since at least she felt just a little bit more covered up this time around. There were just no boundaries though. She felt like a piece of meat that everyone seemed to think they could cop a field off. And her feet were hurting like crazy prancing around in the high heels. She'd hoped she could stay out of the lap dance area but soon she was approached instead of the other way around and he asked her if she could give him one. Walking in to that area was almost more nerve wrecking than getting up on that stage for the first time. It was just much more personal and she had no idea what to do. She quickly picked up what the rest of the girls were doing and hoped she didn't disappoint the customer. He tipped though even after having paid for the lap dance in advance so she figured she'd at least done something right.

She passed the bar a little later and heard someone call out for Shay. She spotted Scott behind the bar and stepped over to him. He handed her a dripping cold water bottle with a smile.

"Told you you would be good," he smiled, "I think I'll need that ice more than you do." She gave him a cheeky smile and added a thank you for good manners before she kept working.

As they were closing the club down the girl's changing area got a little like a frat party. Girls were giggling and talking. There was some alcohol going around but mostly just water bottles. The bouncers got in there too once they'd closed up and it didn't hinder the girls from prancing around in just their underwear. And the bouncers didn't seem to mind having one or two girls in their laps either. Amanda kept a low profile, took it all in with her eyes and listen in on everything going on. Jim had already talked to her privately and told her he would love to have her there on a regular basis and that she should sit down with Trina and make a schedule for the rest of the month. Amanda felt great hearing this even though she thought it was a very short trial period and he also wondered how she would be able to pull it off while working SVU at the same time. Apparently they were closed on Mondays so at least she had one day she didn't have to worry about.

It was apparently important to not walk out alone and Amanda couldn't help but wonder if it had anything to do with Cassie's assault but Cassie did say she had not told anyone but Bobby about it. But Trina had told her first that it was important to walk out at least two and two, and to never get in a car outside the club, not even a cab. If she needed a lift she should tell Trina or Jim and they would fix a car for her. Sierra brought it up as well as the night was coming to an end. She said customers often lurked outside so she should get herself some pepper spray or something if she hadn't already.

Sierra fixed so one of the bouncers, Mike, drove four of them home. This was really sweet of her but it also put Amanda in some trouble seeing how she had her car parked a few blocks away and she couldn't really tell them where she lived. She gave them an address a few blocks from her real one and told them she was staying at a friend's couch for now. Seemed the rest of the girls lived in Bronx so they would drop off Amanda first. Mike actually drove past Amanda's car. Once Amanda had waved her bye, saw them drive off she stayed put for a while to make sure no one had followed them from the club.

She started thinking on everything she'd seen and experienced tonight. She'd really met some awesome people tonight and it had gone better than expected even if some parts of the job was less thrilling. She was still left with a worried gut feeling though. Had she really thought this through properly? How would she be able to pull this off?

The street was completely silent and no cars were in sight so she started walking up the street hoping to find a cab that could take her back to her car. She had loads of cash in her pocket.

With the cash she'd made tonight she could easily see how girls got hooked quickly. You got money rather easily, at least quickly and at first glance it was all very glamorous. Amanda knew she could've easily been one of those girls she met tonight. Not that she knew where every single one of them came from and she knew better than to put them all in one category but had Amanda not got a scholarship to college and been able to earn a degree things would've looked that much different today.

She came from scraps really. None of her parents went to college, her dad didn't even finish high school. Whenever he could hold down a job for more than a week he would spend his paycheck on booze and gambling faster than he could spell those two words. Her mother worked crappy jobs to support the entire family. They had no money for their kids' education, they could barely feed them at times. Amanda knew that scholarship was her way out and that she just as likely could have ended up like Cassie, or Kim.

Amanda finally found a cab and guided him to the block where she'd parked. She paid the driver in mostly ones and then swopped cars. It was almost 4 am so she figured she'd drive in to work instead of home. She could shower there and hopefully get some shut eye before shift.

She tried to stay focus at work the following days but often she found herself spacing out as she was thinking of things that went on at the club and who could be potential suspects. She collected as many names as she could whenever she worked and looked them up in the police files as soon as possible. Of course she hid her tracks though, there were ways around getting your name in their logs if you were savvy enough. She traced the bouncer through his license plate and found his record with some interesting previous arrests.

Scott had just a few minor charges while the other bartender, Garreth, apparently had spent some time in jail. She found some of the girls in the records too, Sierra's was the most upsetting to find. She had recent arrests for assaults, drug charges and one for prostitution when she was only 15 years old. She was charged as a minor and the records were sealed so Amanda stayed away from them to not raise any red flags in the system. Amanda realized she had to focus on the suspects and not get involved with the girl's lives. She wasn't there to make any long-term friends.

Every chance she got she danced. She managed to catch another pole dancing class and this time dared to try out some of the stunts she'd seen the other girls do. She managed to almost land on her head a few times and realized it was harder than it looked. Maybe Sierra would work with her if she asked?

She worked at the club as much as she was able to which was basically whenever she didn't have a shift at SVU. Day time it looked a little bit different. There were fewer customers but you could always count on customers to be around. During days you mostly did a 3 song arc, which meant you got to keep your clothes on for the first, start to take some off during the second one and then dance the third one mostly topless. She got used to the exposure faster than she'd thought she would and she was constantly scanning the crowd and started to remember familiar faces. She took notes, drew sketches of them and started her own register of customers.

She'd always been a fast learner and stripping was no exception. She learnt that leather and wood heels put a lot of stress on your knees and back and soon bought herself a pair of plastic one-piece instead. And they had the minimum heel which was 3 inches. She learnt the hard way that a no-slip rubber pad on the bottom of the shoe was a good idea and so was also body make-up. Pole and floor dancing did cause a lot of leg bruising even when done properly.

She learnt all hair from the neck down was best to get rid of. And the sad truth was that the slimmer you were the more money you made. This wasn't a problem since eating wasn't a high priority in the busy routine she held, neither was sleeping. Many of the girls did yoga and weight training to get, what the girls called, the ideal look that men like. Amanda tried to squeeze in a few yoga classes with Sierra and some of the other girls that she started to really befriend.

Jim told her to visit Mona at a beauty salon near the club. He told her to get her nails done properly and also tell Mona, the girl in charge at the salon, to do something with Amanda's hair. She would just tell Mona that Jim sent her and he would take care of the bill. He wanted his girls to look top notch. Amanda said thank you very much and just hoped her looks wouldn't change dramatically so anyone at SVU would notice.

Liv would notice but Amanda managed to derail her. She'd noticed that all she had to do was mention her sister and people backed off a little. She knew it was bad of her to use that but it was the only way she knew how to get left alone.

Early on she started to realize she couldn't stay at her apartment. Most girls who worked at the club didn't own an apartment and since Amanda was playing someone who was in need of money it didn't make sense to have her own place either. The sleeping on the couch worked as a cover story for now but Amanda actually wanted someone to stalk her and she had to make it easier for them to do so.

She started to look for another place. It was quite easy to find rooms on Craig's list but it was time consuming and she started to think that staying at a motel was probably easier. That way she could move easily if she had to. She started to get ready to move. She sold things of, got rid of her car and closed some saving accounts. Not admitting it completely to herself but she was settling things in case she wouldn't live through this. It was like it didn't matter how it ended if only the Mayhem choker was caught in the end.

She had focused on the people that worked at the bar so far and she had a few suspects among them. Jim the owner was among them, so was three of the bouncers - Justin, Chris and Mike. Almost two weeks in she'd still not met the co-owner Gordon but kept him on the list since he seemed to be a major player with multiple shady businesses. The bartender Garreth had to be on the list too even though he was too young for Amanda's profile of the killer. And she had the bartender Scott on her list too.

He was probably the easiest one for her to get close to cause he did pay her a lot of attention. She caught him looking at her often and he seemed to come sit close by her whenever they had a bit of a party backstage. He did talk to her some but mostly he just gave her looks and smiles, put a hand on her thigh, asked her if she wanted a drink or something.

Even though she thought of herself as a good cop with good instincts she'd never been good with guys and picking up their signals. She knew she had some intimacy issues. And the whole relationship business and being exclusive to one person and having to open up to them completely freaked her out a little. But she didn't dwell on it or think she needed to talk to someone about it. She knew it probably had to do something with not having good role models growing up but whatever, she'd moved on. It wasn't like she felt the need to be in a relationship any way.

She had some, well relations, back in Atlanta. A boyfriend in college for a couple of months and then she dated a guy while in the police academy. When he'd suddenly brought out an engagement ring at dinner one night though she'd been clueless. She'd totally missed that he'd been planning their future for a couple of months already while she'd just enjoyed good sex and the only thing she planned was becoming a cop and then aim for detective. Let's just say that relationship had ended a few days after she'd turn his proposal down.

After that she'd been even more on guard cause she did hate hurting people. Sometimes she hurt them unconsciously, it just seemed to happen when she let her lip run a little freely or whenever she felt threaten which seemed to happen quite often actually.

So since solid relationships weren't for her a girl had to get her some other ways. And being a cop, especially a SVU detective and knowing what could happen, wasn't really helpful in that department. But she did have one night stands. She made sure she didn't get too drunk but the guy could be a little more so since that meant she could probably fend them off if she would have to. She picked the place, rarely going to his place if she didn't feel she could trust him completely which of course wasn't the case most times. So her place then even if that meant letting them into her personal space. If they lingered too long the next day though she made sure they knew she wasn't interested in more than sex.

She did feel drawn to Scott. He was charming, had a bit of a bad boy attitude and he was very good looking. And since Cassie had told her he was the biggest source for information in that club Amanda figured it would be good to stay close to him. Problem was how to stay close but not get too close. Just two weeks after she'd met him outside the club that day, when he told her she should audition, he asked her if she wanted to grab a drink somewhere afterwards. It was a week day and that rarely meant after parties backstage. She felt a bit apprehensive about being alone with him but she felt as though she couldn't turn the opportunity down to get to know him better.

He told her to come out to the bar to meet him once she'd changed after her last routine. It felt a little odd to leave the club before it closed but Scott told her he'd checked with Lola, who was the floor manager tonight, and she'd cleared it. He told her Garreth said he'd cover for him behind the bar so they were dismissed from class and he gave her a wink. She said okay then and once she was off the stage and changed she walked out to meet him. They slipped past the bouncer Chris at the door and Amanda felt as though he gave her a bit of an evil eye but she wasn't sure if that had been the case or if it was her own guilty conscious that imagined it.

Scott had grabbed on to her hand once they were out on the street and then quickly flagged down a cab for them. One of the other strippers had taken a bit of tumble on the stage tonight and they laughed a little about it in the cab. Amanda had missed what location Scott had given the cab driver but they were heading towards Brooklyn.

"Where are we going?" she asked when their laughter had toned down a little.

"I know this comfy little place in Cypress Hill," he said and gave her a quick smile before he asked the driver if it was okay if he smoked. The driver let him as long as he rolled down the window. She bit her lip a little and looked out the other window. He offered her a drag of his cig and she accepted since smoking usually calmed her nerves a little. This time though it didn't do much to calm her down. They were coming up towards Forrest Park and she didn't know the area enough to know any 'comfy' places around there but it seemed unlikely to her. The cab driver took a street down from the park though and then suddenly came to a stop. Scott paid the driver as Amanda looked around a little. The street look rather vacant but she still jumped out when he told her to.

"Doesn't look like there are many comfy places around here," she tried to joke but he told her he knew _the_ comfiest of them all. He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards a building and she started to realize this was where he actually lived. She felt like pulling back but she still just went with him. She let him lead her up two stairs and then waited behind him as he got his door open. He hadn't said a word since they left the street and neither had she. Everything in her screamed this was stupid and reckless but it was also something Shay would do. He went in a head and left the door open for her so it was up to her to enter or not. Slowly she made her way inside and found him in the living room tossing things from the couch down behind it.

"Told you it was comfy right?" he said as he noticed her, "not the tidiest but still comfy. What can I get you?"  
"Whatcha got?" she asked.  
"Beer and," he said as he made his way over to the small kitchen area and had a look in the refrigerator, "and more beer."  
"Well I think I'll go with a beer," she said and she heard him chuckle.

"Have a seat," he shouted and she made her way over to the couch. She only found one word to describe his place - bachelor pad. The living room didn't have much more than a TV, a couch and a lounge chair. On the wall hung a few posters with names of obscure bands she'd never heard off. Amongst them hung one poster with a rabbit wearing glasses and it said 'Just too hip to hop' and it made her smile. Scott caught the smile as he came back carrying two beers and he checked what she'd looked at. He handed her the beer and plumped down beside her.

"You like the rabbit?" he asked before he took a swig. She nodded and copied him.  
"He's my favorite too," Scott said and leaned back on the couch.  
"How do you know it's a he?" she asked and moved up a little on the couch, placing a leg underneath her even though she still had her high heels on. Scott gave her a look as he smiled.  
"You're right, too hip, must be a lady," he said.  
"Oh I dunno about a lady," she smiled and tried to avoid his intense stare as it made her even more nervous.  
"You're funny," he said and touched her knee but then let his hand rest there. She took another mouthful of her beer and tried to ignore his hand but when he remained silent she finally had to look his way. He was still staring at her but his face broke into a smile and she felt his fingers move down just a little.

"I like you," he said.  
"Well lucky me," she said quickly. He chuckled, shook his head a little and then took a long swig of his beer. When he was done he sat up suddenly and he must have caught her shy away a little as she saw his hesitation. He then kept moving though and apparently he was just putting his beer on the table. She felt a bit stupid and drank some more beer. He reached for something underneath the table and she tried to stay calm as she saw what was on the plate he brought out. It was definitely a crack pipe along with a lighter and some substance wrapped in some plastic.

"You want some?" he asked and she swallowed hard. She didn't immediately shake her head as she knew she had to play it cool.  
"I'm... well, I'm trying... to stay away from... that," she said a bit hesitant.

"You mind if I?" he asked and she shook her head even though she did mind. She tried to keep her eyes off him as he got the pipe ready and instead she leaned back with her beer and looked out the window behind her. She tried to think back to what she'd learnt about crack even though she wasn't a 100% that's what it was. She was kind of hoping he would smoke himself to sleep but from what she could recall crack, at least initially, increased energy. She really had no idea what effect it would have on him.

She heard the lighter and then it didn't take long until she smelled a strong odor of burnt plastic and something that almost smelled like urine. She tried to keep her nose from crinkling.

"So you like working at Assets?" she heard him ask and she looked back over at him. His voice had been slightly more hoarse than before he smoked. He'd lit the lighter again and took another hit. Some smoke leaked through his nose as he kept his mouth shut.  
"Yeah," she said, "yeah I do. Jim's okay, and Trina. Sierra's been really good to me."  
"Sierra is cool," Scott agreed, "not as pretty as you but she's cool." She tried to ignore the last thing he said. He put the pipe down on the plate on his knee and he reached for his beer.

"So how long have you worked there?" she asked to dig a little. He leaned back his head and seemed to think about it.  
"Well it's been like... ages now. Guess like six years," he tilted his head and looked at her again.  
"So you must like it too then?" she said and he nodded.  
"It's cool."  
"Sierra said you're like the one who knows everyone and everything about everyone," Amanda tried to sound like she was impressed.  
"Well I don't know much about you," he said and then added; "yet," as he reached out and touched her knee again.  
"Whatcha wanna know? I'm not that interesting, really," she said and took a swig of her beer. He kept staring at her for a while, she felt his fingers move around a little over her knee.

"Oh I think you're very interesting," he said and sat up, coming closer to her. His hand went up her leg a little, staying just by the hem of her skirt. She tried to remain still and anticipate his next move. She could see his eyes go down to her lips and she tried to keep from biting her lip. He started to move in even closer and she held his breath as his hand went up underneath her skirt a little. She was way too sober for this she realized and when he was about four inches from her face she smiled and turned her head and put the bottle to her lips. He kept watching her closely. She tried to prolong the drinking so he would move away but he stayed put and then she felt his other hand come up between them and his fingers landed right underneath her throat. His fingers slid one way up her collarbone and his eyes followed his fingers.

"You have amazing skin," he whispered. She brought her bottle down but wasn't sure what to say to that. He pushed her top a little up on her shoulder so he could trace her collarbone to the very end. He let his fingers play a little with her bra strap.

"Amazing skin," he repeated and let his fingers go up the other collarbone and again he pushed her top a little to the side. He leaned in and placed a kiss on her collarbone and she held her breath. His other hand squeezed her thigh a little. He traced kisses up to her shoulder and pushed her top all the way over her shoulder. His shaved head came right underneath her nose and there was this odd smell with a mix of burnt plastic and a very manly after shave. His hand went up the side of her neck and came up to the back of her head and his fingers dug into her scalp a little. She felt torn. It was like one voice told, or more screamed at, her to get out of there but the other one told her she needed to stay on his good side to help her catch Mayhem.

She didn't get much chance to think as his eyes came up to meet hers. He let her thigh go, grabbed her beer bottle and placed it on the table. His hand quickly found its way up underneath her skirt again and this time got all the way up the side of her hip. His face was just about two inches from her, so close she felt his breath, and his eyes went from hers down to her lips and then up again. He made an attempt to come closer but she might have shied back or maybe he felt her stiffness, she wasn't sure, but he stopped.

"You need something to loosen you up," he whispered. His other hand had massaged the side of her neck but now he let her go and he grabbed his pipe that was still on his lap.

"Shotgun," he suggested and she wet her lips nervously. She knew what it meant, knew what he offered and again her inside told her two different versions on how to play this. But she knew the likelihood of her getting out of this apartment without him getting what he wanted was slim, he seemed like a man who usually got what he wanted and she had after all gone with him willingly. She knew she would need something more than beer to get through this. So she gave him a slight nod and then watched him light up his pipe.

He took his time, made sure there was a lot of smoke in there and then he inhaled deeply. He leaned in and she felt his hand come around her neck so he could hold her to him. She opened up her mouth when he was less than an inch from her and with her eyes locked with his she felt the smoke fill her mouth as he exhaled. She'd held her breath so long she needed to inhale and she felt the smoke go down her pipe as she did. It burnt a little but there was this instant sense of relief. It was like her entire head felt lighter all of a sudden. She'd lost his eyes for a second but found them again and could see he was smiling at her reaction.

"Again?" he asked and this time she nodded without hesitation. He repeated the procedure and this time she inhaled the moment he exhaled. This time she didn't just feel relief but an almost euphoric sensation that felt like it lifted her entire body off the couch. He didn't pull back this time though, instead closed the small gap between them and she registered his tongue in her mouth even before she felt his lips on hers. He pinned her mouth to his with the help of his hand behind her neck and the other one quickly found its way around her waist so he could pull her closer. Her hands landed on his chest and she grabbed a hold of his tee as she felt a strange but pleasurable sensation radiate from her stomach and upwards.

She moaned into his mouth as he sucked on her tongue. His hand briefly left her ass so he could get rid of the things in his lap. Once that was done he grabbed a hold of her again and pushed her up on top of him even further. She found herself sitting on his strong, muscular thigh and it left a slightly odd but good feeling in her core. He let go off her mouth and started to work his way down her neck. He'd let go of her neck and his hand went down her back, slipped down her skirt and she gulped as she felt his fingers in-between her butt cheeks. She swallowed more air as he bit down right beside her collarbone and she felt herself trying to get even closer to him.

She lost tracks of his hands for a while as they seemed to move quickly over her entire body and all she felt was those big lips of his as they came back up to the side of her neck and then seemed to drown her entire ear. His mouth came up to attach to hers again and his tongue quickly found hers. She suddenly got track of one of his hands again as it squeezed in between his thigh and her core. His fingers worked her on the outside of her panties but soon slipped underneath the thin fabric. She sucked air from him as she felt his fingers penetrate her. But they left her just as quickly as they'd entered and she felt his arm come up around her as he grabbed a hold so he could lift her off the couch. She shut her mind off as he carried her towards the bedroom.

**With a little help** from the drugs she'd managed to enjoy last night's session of wild and steamy sex. He'd been just as rough and forceful as she'd imagined a guy like him being. And that was all good. Had he left her with options to opt out it would have been harder for her. Now it had just been the option of going with it and she had been able to enjoy it and even orgasm for real even though it was often hard for her to climax.

The morning after though she wasn't feeling all that hot. She woke up sparsely wrapped in twined linen with sunlight burning through her eyelids. She lifted up her hand to shield her eyes from the bright light but it didn't help to ease the pain as she managed to open her eyes. The sun was shining straight in over her since the window wasn't draped. She slumped back down with a grown not only directed at the sun but also the heinous thought that someone could have been watching them last night. She started to really come to as all the memory from last night came flooding back to her and just what whoever that might have watched had seen them do. The thought was horrible and she tried to shake it off but the shaking part went badly since it felt as pieces were scrambling inside her brain when she did that.

She still managed to twist her head around to search for the person who she expected to find next to her. Instead of a face she found feet though and she soon realized she was the one who lay upside down. She felt his arm right next to her leg and she managed to rise up a little so she could make sure he was still sleeping. She turned her head back around and searched the night stand for a clock or something. She couldn't find one and her one eye, the other one squeezed shut to give her some ease from the sun, searched the room for something that could tell her what time it was. She found what she was looking for on the wall and she would've reacted more animated if her body had allowed her to do so. There was no way she would make it in time to her shift this morning and her phone and everything was still at home so she couldn't call in. She managed to pull her body together a little but it woke Scott up and she felt his hand on her calf.

"Good morning," he mumbled after some groaning.  
"Morning," she whispered as she tried to locate her clothes, suddenly feeling, and rightfully so, very naked. She found her panties partially under Scott's leg and she tried pulling them out without waking him even more. She preferred if he went back to sleep. Her top was hanging off the side of the bed and she pulled it over her head quickly as she sat up. She saw her skirt on the floor further from the bed and was about to step down as she felt him grab a hold of her ankle.

"Where you goin'?" he mumbled trying to get his eyes open without much luck.  
"Well, hm, I gotta be somewhere," she tried feeling her mind blank of reliable excuses. She tried getting her panties on since she didn't want to uncover without them on. She felt him searching for her with his hand and he grabbed a hold of her arm when he did.

"Can you do me a favor?" he mumbled.  
"What?" she asked.  
"Can you take care of that?" he asked and she couldn't pretend she didn't see what he gestured at. With only the thin sheet covering him his morning boner was quite evident.  
"I have to…" she tried but he cut her off.  
"C'mon," he urged and his grip on her arm harden. He lifted the sheet a little to give her access and at that moment she felt like the smallest person in the world. He still had his eyes closed so she didn't worry about her face crumbling as she slowly reached in with her free hand.  
"No," he said, "use your mouth."

**Once she finally** got home she found two missed calls on her work phone. Both from Fin. She didn't even have time to shower and she felt horrible to switch straight into a regular pair of jeans and a top. She checked out her arms and torso before she put on her top making sure she didn't have any bruises from last night's rough treatment. While checking herself out in the mirror she made sure to avoid her own eyes. She felt as though she might crumble if she did. She didn't have time to shower but she took the time to brush her teeth and use mouth wash.

She called Fin back as she rushed down the stairs at her flat. She apologized before he even got a chance to say hi but he told her it was no problem that she'd over slept and that she should just meet them at this crime scene they'd just picked up. Once she got there the three detectives were already there. She shot them all a quick sorry and asked what they got. Liv filled her in while Nick and Fin entered the apartment again. Liv asked her if she was up to coming with her to the hospital to take the victims statement. Of course Amanda said yes even though she felt scattered and completely useless. Liv let the guys know they would take off and then they took Amanda's car to the hospital. Liv couldn't know it would be the very last drive she took in that car since Amanda was selling it the following day.

On the way to the hospital Liv asked Amanda if she was okay and of course Amanda said she was. Liv told her she looked a little worn down and Amanda told her thanks but added that she forgot to set her watch and she didn't have time to take a shower or anything this morning. Liv told her she should have taken the time, they would have covered for her. Amanda knew, deep down, that Liv meant well but because of the situation, or perhaps because of the bad taste Amanda still had in her mouth after what she did this morning, she made a bitchy comment to let Liv know she didn't need special treatment. Amanda could tell on Liv's face after the quick glance she shot her that she'd hurt her and it made Amanda feel if possible even worse. Amanda said a quick sorry before she jumped out of the car and didn't give Liv a chance to reply or ask any more questions.

Liv, as usual, took lead as they questioned the victim. Amanda felt unfocused and after a while she started to feel really sick to her stomach. She had to interrupt the questioning abruptly but then didn't even make it out of the room before she heaved, thankfully though in a garbage can right by the door. Liv excused herself to the victim and walked outside to where Amanda had managed to retreat with the garbage can in a tight grip close to her face. A nurse had walked by and reached Amanda about the same time as Liv did.

"I'm fine, really," Amanda tried as she spit some residue down the garbage can.  
"I'll get you a wet towel and some water, have a seat meanwhile," the nurse said and rushed off. Amanda felt pitiful as Liv guided her to the bench by the wall.  
"I'm so sorry," Amanda said as she sat down.  
"Don't worry about it," Liv said as she kept stroking her back. Amanda just wished she could stop that but then her focus went elsewhere as she felt cold sweat all over as a new wave of nausea came over her. She couldn't stop whatever it was coming up her throat but she turned herself and the garbage can away from Liv right before she hurled again.

Liv would have gathered her hair if it wasn't already bundled and instead got up from her seat next to Amanda so she could keep moving her hand up and down her spine. Amanda tried saying something that sounded like sorry as her body pulsated in short cramps as her body tried to heave even though there was nothing left to toss up. Liv kept saying it was okay over and over again until she finally could feel Amanda's body calming down under her touch.

"Oh my goodness," the nurse pampered as she came back. Liv took one of the wet cloths from her and stroke it around Amanda's neck since the nurse went for her forehead. Amanda couldn't lie that the cloths felt really good against her flushed and clammy skin.  
"There is some stomach bug going around, perhaps you caught it?" the nurse suggested and changed glances with Liv since Amanda was still folded over.  
"Perhaps," Amanda said silently while still gasping a little. A stomach bug sounded better than what she'd really been up to. She didn't know though that Liv's skillful nose had picked up the slight smell of alcohol evaporating from the garbage can and she had of course noticed that Amanda wore more make-up than she usually did. Thankfully Amanda neither picked up Liv's concern as she'd spotted the small bruises at the back of her neck that looked very much man made.

Nick and Fin joined them at the hospital a little later and of course Liv had to tell them Amanda had come down with something suddenly. Fin insisted he would drive her home and Liv rode back to the station with Nick meanwhile. Amanda stayed quiet in the car as Fin drove her home and kept nagging her about taking it easier, being nicer to herself and yada yada yada. She knew he meant well but right now all she wanted was to physically manhandle a perp or bust down a door or something even though she felt weak and fragile. The last thing she wanted was being forced to stay alone in her apartment with only her thoughts as company.

He wouldn't let her talk her out of coming upstairs with her either. Thankfully she hadn't sold any of her heavier pieces yet and could just hope he wouldn't look inside any of them to find them completely empty. She managed to snag a few pieces of clothing off the floor before he spotted them. Clothing that wasn't really part of the wardrobe he was used to seeing her in.

"I'll be right back," she said as she sneaked into her bedroom and shuffled more clothes and the suitcase they came from into her closet. She went into the bathroom to rinse out her mouth yet again and then flushed the toilet just for show. She found him coming out of her kitchen and he looked somewhat angry so she got a bit worried before she knew what it was he was steaming about.

"You have nothing in your fridge or cupboard, you have to eat Manda," he said angrily.  
"That's why there's take-out, I haven't felt like cooking anyway," she said and sank down on her couch. He came walking over and sat down as she struggled a little to get her shoes off.

"How are you doin'?" he asked her seriously as she finally leaned back on the couch.  
"I have a stomach bug, how do you think I feel?" she said with a hint of a smile on her face but then rolled her eyes a little and turned her head outwards. She'd taken down her curtains but they still lay below the windows so it looked more like she was switching them.

"Shouldn't you head out of here before you catch it by the way," she asked and turned her head back towards him. He looked troubled, she knew it wasn't from her question though.  
"Are you sure you're doin' okay?" he asked and even though she knew he was just being concerned it made her feel even worse.  
"I'm fine Fin, promise," she tried to convince him but could see she was failing. He still knew better than to nag though.

"Can I get you anything before I head back?"  
"I can't even think of food right now Fin," she complained and covered her eyes with her hand.  
"Fluids then, can I get you an iced tea?"  
"That sounds good but I'll make one myself later. Just go Fin. I'll be fine," she said without uncovering her eyes. She just couldn't face him.

"Okay then but you rest, watch some TV… what the fuck happen to your TV?" he said and she looked up. She'd cancelled her cable so she'd pulled the cords.  
"Oh it was just some malfunction with the cable, they told me to yank everything out and I just couldn't be bothered," she tried as an explanation and he seemed to buy it.  
"You want me to hook it all in?" he offered kindly.  
"No, thanks but no. I don't want to watch anything right now any way, I just want to go to sleep," she let him know and she was being honest.

When he left just a few minutes later she headed straight to the shower and then straight to bed. She got more sleep than she'd gotten in weeks now and she did feel at least a little better once she woke up. She was working Assets that night so it was good since she had to be on alert. She'd started really scanning the crowd now. She was good at the find your target method now and she tried to talk to every customer that paid her the slightest interest. She started writing names down and she tried to get finger prints of the customers she felt extra fishy. It was too bad the dollar bills had so many prints on them already but she managed to snatch their finger prints of smaller objects sometimes and even off her own body.

Working SVU simultaneous helped since she could use their equipment and get access to police files and stuff. But she started to feel really bad for the rest of the cases she should be working. And she felt bad for her partner, her squad and her captain. Seemed all she did was lie these days and it was tiring. She knew she had to end the double life and commit to Assets full out. She would buy some time with the funeral she figured. Cragen had no problem giving her some extra time to help her mom settle things back home. She felt like hugging him that last day in the squad room since she knew it would be the last time she'd see him but of course she didn't.

She couldn't help but hug her partner as she left him that last shift though. She would miss him the most. He'd been an amazing partner and he deserved more than her. During that beer they shared that last evening she'd been caught up in her own thoughts a lot. She wondered how she'd managed to pull everything off, even if not perfect, she didn't feel as though her partner or her squad had caught on to what she was up to. And she wondered if she'd handled it all wrong. The plan had been to fill them in further once she had some proof. She had Cassie's story but she didn't feel as she had much else really. All she had was her own down fall really.

She'd slept with the bartender to be able to get information off him. She'd used drugs, more than once now. And she'd dirtied herself down in the champagne room for the first time that weekend. Trina had told her Jim thought she was ready and there had been many demands for her. Especially one that seemed very interested in her and was even willing to pay more to get her in there. Amanda couldn't help but get curious of him. Could he be the killer? She'd told Trina she was ready for it and she'd learnt the rules of the room. Dancing, undressing but topless was still the limit, some touching were okay but absolutely under no circumstances was sex allowed. Trina told her that meant no oral, no hand jobs, nothing where his penis was exposed. Jim was apparently very strict about this. Nothing illegal could happen, so stay at just bending the rules Trina told her which left Amanda a little confounded.

The guy had turned out not to be her killer. He was just a guy in his 30s with a small head and a big ego. She managed to snatch his business card and found nothing in his records that made him her killer. She was disappointed and decided then it would take longer than she thought to wash out her killer. So she told the captain the funeral was finally taking place. And now here she was out on the street saying good bye to her partner. He thought she would be back in three weeks but she knew she wouldn't be and that knowledge weight heavy on her shoulders. She held on hard for a long moment and felt like clinging on forever. She smelled him, felt him under her palms and hoped she could carry some of him with her as she let him go. Everything inside her told her she was doing something stupid. That she should just tell him. He would understand right? He would understand why she'd done what she'd done? That it was all for a purpose, he would understand and help her? But she couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk everything being for nothing. So she said good bye. He said bye too but he didn't know that hers were forever.

* * *

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. (_Ecclesiastes 3:1-8_)


End file.
